Tourism Made Simple For Politicians

Amazing. Rajoy speaks! He has left it late, but with just a couple weeks remaining before the general election it is about time that he proved that he hadn't permanently lost his voice. He has been speaking, and what words of wisdom have been pouring out of the Partido Popular's prime ministerial candidate. Words of tourism wisdom.

Somewhere in the bowels of PP HQ is a room where candidates are taken to be given their primers on subjects they have no knowledge of, like tourism for instance. Various strategists, PR people and speech-writers sit the candidates down and open the "Juanita y Juan" book of tourism made simple for politicians.

"Right now, Mariano, repeat after me. Quality tourism." "Quality tourism." "Good. Do you know what it means?" "Erm ..." "Not to worry because it doesn't mean anything. Now, listen carefully, I will read out a list of things that will overcome seasonality and I want you to then repeat them. Understood?" "Seasonality. Yes, good, it's a bit of problem for tourism. Isn't it?" "It is, so it's very important that you know what you're talking about. Here goes. Culture, nature, nautical, sport, film, gastronomy, bird-watching and golf." "Ah, golf! Yes. Seve Ballesteros. Fore!" "Yes, Mariano, unfortunately he is in fact dead."

Rajoy has certainly been taking his lessons seriously. He has come up with a cunning plan. He's going to tackle structural problems of the tourism sector, such as there being too many obsolete resorts. Gosh, what an original thought. Where have we heard this before? Ah yes, Playa de Palma. How long has it taken for its redevelopment not to occur? Only about seven years. So far.

What is actually meant by obsolete? Given that Spanish and Mallorcan resorts grew up in the sixties and seventies, it probably means they're all obsolete. The sort of investment that would be required to make them un-obsolete will mean they remain obsolete for a further 40 or 50 years, by which time they will probably have fallen down anyway.

But then, investment has been available. Or was. Supposedly. Go back to 2008 and you may recall that 500 million euros were going to be pumped into updating tourism resorts. What do you mean, you don't recall? They most certainly were. Something got in the way, though.

Also back in 2008 there was another little scheme, not a million miles away from what Rajoy has in mind for combating seasonality. Come on, you must remember the Winter in Spain campaign. Nope? Well, you wouldn't be the only one, as it was quietly forgotten about not long after it was announced. Yet this was all part of the drive to get those high-spending European oldsters beating a winter path to the Balearics and elsewhere; the same European oldsters who will now not be coming this winter because there's no money to subsidise their trips.

Despite having done his tourism homework, learnt his lines and acquired a status as the new guru of tourism, Rajoy is being pressurised by the tourism industry into giving them back their national tourism minister. There used to be one, the Mallorcan Joan Mesquida, before he got downgraded and became a mere secretary, or whatever it was he became. And he certainly knows a thing or two about tourism. As former finance minister for the Balearics, he was co-author of the eco-tax, that spectacular disaster of tourism PR that was jettisoned when the first Antich administration was turfed out of office.

There again, and as with the non-forthcoming 500 million investment and Winter in Spain campaign, this was all the fault of socialists. Haven't got a clue when it comes to tourism. Not like Rajoy, good old capitalist right-winger that he is. Mariano's going to have tourists flocking to Mallorca (and Spain) in winter, looking at birds and tucking into bowls of tumbet. No one's ever thought of that before. He's going to change the image of Spain and make it a tourist destination of quality with the quality tourists to match; none of the bloody riff-raff that's coming in at present on their easyJets.

Yep, tourism has a bright future under Mariano, as he is clearly a quick learner, and he doesn't always need the strategists to tell him what to say. The environment? No problem. Climate change doesn't exist, as his cousin told him it didn't. The economy? Well, he can probably a find a bloke in a pub to tell him how to fix that. And you wonder why, as Wikileaks proved, former premier Aznar has always had his doubts about him.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.