It is a day back in April. The place is an office at 10 Downing Street. On the door to the office is a notice announcing the meeting that is taking place: "Project - The Prime Minister's Summer Holiday". Gathered in the office are a number of the PM's special advisors. Their task, to decide where the PM will be going on holiday.
"Right, everyone, first things first. We can dispense with the idea that the PM will be taking his summer holiday anywhere in Britain. I am well aware of the campaign to encourage the electorate to stay at home this summer, but the PM has made it perfectly clear that he has no wish to be traipsing across the Scilly Isles with a pipe in his mouth or doing a Brown and wandering about in a suit in Kirkcaldy. Besides which, he can afford to go abroad. So, the question is where. I suggest we begin by brainstorming some of the requirements."
"A happening sort of place, but not too happening. Shouldn't be overly trendy or chic." "Popular with the British. Good for showing he's in touch." "Family oriented. Reinforces the PM's family values." "Can't be too far away. You know, in case he has to dash back. The Queen pegging it or something."
"Good points. Sounds like it'll have to Europe then. The PM will just have to lump it." "Not France. Bloody Sarkozy. He probably won't be around come August, but it would be toadying to go there." "How about Turkey? Supportive of Turkey's wishes to join the EU." "Do we have a policy on Turkey and the EU anymore? It was Straw who used to bang on about that. No political capital in going to Turkey. Plus the Muslim thing. "The Mail" wouldn't like it." "Greece then." "You're joking. PM's holiday bails out Greeks. Another "Mail" headline disaster." "Italy?" "Not bloody likely. Blair. Tuscany." "It doesn't leave much else then. Looks like it has to be Spain. Again." "Again?" "Yep. The PM went to Ibiza last year." "Ibiza! Whose idea was that? The PM in Drugs Central. No, no, no, we can't let him go there again." "I think it would come down to either Benidorm or Mallorca then." "The PM can't go to Benidorm. Who do you think he is? Johnny Vegas?" "All right, so it's Mallorca."
"Can't be Magalluf. Don't want the PM falling off a balcony." "Good God no. There's being in touch and there's being in touch. It has to be somewhere with a degree of refinement. The north is meant to be the part to go to. What do the Foreign Office's reports of resorts in northern Mallorca tell us?" "Erm, ok, there's a place called Alcúdia. Blah, blah, blah. Popular with Brits. Good. Oh, also popular with Germans. Sometimes compared with Blackpool." "Heavens, that's no good. What's this place? Puerto Poll-en-sa." "It's pronounced Poy-en-sa. Popular with British expatriates. Profile of these expatriates, average age 75, 98% Conservative voters (where permitted). Plus, it goes on, popular also with British families who wish to avoid Germans and riff-raff. Bingo. I think we've found our holiday. Bit of snob appeal. It'll play well with "The Telegraph" at any rate."
"This thing with its name. It's also called Port de Poy-en-ça. Looks French to me with this cedilla business. Are we sure it's ok?" "Yea, there's a sort of Welsh thing going on there apparently." "What? Port de Pollença is Welsh? There are two l's." "No, no, everything has to be in two languages. This one, it's, what do you call it? The one that isn't Spanish?" "Catalan?" "That's the kiddy." "Hmm, should the PM have a view on this then?" "I doubt it would crop up. But to be safe, we can always dig out a Catalan CD with a few key phrases for the PM to learn. Hello, how are you? I'm the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Could I have two pints of lager and a bag of crisps, please? That sort of thing." "Might it not be simpler for the PM to avoid both Spanish and Catalan. We don't want him offending anyone. Much better that he speaks English. More in touch with British tourists as well, as none of them speak the lingo." "Absolutely. Right then, all that remains is booking the flights." "Er, might I remind you? The low-cost flight thing." "Oh God, I forgot all about that. Come on then, someone volunteer to ring O'Leary and sort the excess luggage out with him. How much is this going to cost us? I wish the PM wouldn't insist on taking a holiday abroad."
Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.
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2 comments:
Spot on!
We saw Dave and his family in Pollenca on Sunday morning and then he joined us again later in a bar on the sea front. I was tempted to ask him if he was following us! My son who has done over twenty years in the army air cor had great fun spotting the protection team pretending to be on holiday with their shoulder bags containing...well protection stuff
Great fun Andrew! But why don't the family just rent a villa somewhere and have a proper holiday? We really don't need the photo op of them pretending to 'relax'.
Still, this should be good for local tourism.
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