From Morecambe To Mallorca

Morecambe, Eastbourne, Minehead, Southend. I have been to each of them, though of the four I am most familiar with Morecambe. I lived there while I was at university, and during this time, I almost froze to death, was blown off my feet by a gale and used to head for the hills when Scottish Fortnight descended on the resort.

Paul Theroux, writing in "The Kingdom By The Sea" in 1983, said of Morecambe that he was astonished "that anyone would come here for a vacation and to have fun, since it seemed the sort of place that would fill even the cheeriest visitor with thoughts of woe". Theroux, an American, admitted, however, that he was "incapable of surmounting" the cultural barrier that enabled holidaymakers to enjoy themselves even in the drizzle, of which there was a great deal if my memory serves. 

Morecambe and the other aforementioned British seaside resorts were listed recently among ten old-fashioned seaside towns by "The Guardian". It is difficult to know when Morecambe wasn't old-fashioned, as it was antediluvian even back in the seventies. There again, all British seaside resorts were, with the exception of Brighton.

Southend I can remember only vaguely, but it holds a place in my family history as it was the seaside town that East Enders would go to. I have a photo from the 1920s in which my grandmother and another young woman were done up in Roaring Twenties-style finery, parading on Southend pier, arms linked with a short, fat bloke with a boater who looked as though he was a music-hall turn but who was in fact a butcher from East Ham.

The pier is significant, as the pier was also significant in other seaside resorts. It was the centre of entertainment; indeed, it was the centrepoint of these towns. The pier and the British seaside resort have of course never been the same, ever since the sixties and seventies saw the traditional holidaymaker being taken away from the traditional seaside holiday in order to found a new tradition - the Mallorcan seaside holiday.

There is a misconception, and always has been a misconception, that some of Mallorca's resorts were merely traditional British seaside resorts exported to the Mediterranean and given the one thing that the British seaside couldn't usually offer - the sun. There is an element of truth to this, but only an element. Yes, there were and are fish and chips, but what of the traditions and characteristics of the British seaside? Where is there a pier, for example? One with bingo and slot machines and dire comedians. Where are the fish stalls of a Southend or a Hastings with their whelks and their jellied eels? Where are the bandstands in the parks and their rows of deckchairs for OAPs to fall asleep in? Where are the Punch and Judy shows on the beaches? Where is the all-pervasive aroma of beef lard and rotting seaweed? And where, oh where, is the rain?

Even if it does rain in Mallorca, and God knows I wish it would, the British holidaymaker will always battle through, determined to make the most of the holiday whatever the weather might bring. This stoicism is in-bred. It is hard-wired holiday culturalism, an instinct developed over a hundred years and more of holidaymaking. It is precisely the point that Theroux was making when he had been expecting day-trippers to Morecambe to get off the train, take one look and burst into tears, but when he had failed to appreciate this instinctive holiday culturalism.

More than the physical trappings of the seaside holiday, what British holidaymakers exported to Mallorca was the concept of holiday as fun, come what may. It is a concept that the British invented, as the British also pretty much invented the idea of the holiday - full stop - and both were immune to whatever foulness the weather could throw at them. It is a concept the Mallorcans have never really understood and still don't, just as the Mallorcans don't understand the British capacity to take a joke. It should be easy to understand when people come from a country with a rubbish climate and head to a seaside town where the sea is absent for much of the day (Morecambe), so making them appreciate that the joke is on them and they had better make the most of it.

Theroux referred to a cultural barrier. This barrier has always existed in Mallorca, because the Mallorcans don't get the British culture. After all these years, you would have thought that they would have done, but they still don't understand the formula H = F. Holidays equal fun.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.