Catatonic: Mallorca and celebrity

Kerry Katona has been in Mallorca. Lucky old Mallorca. Natasha Hamilton has also been in Mallorca. Lucky old Mallorca twice over. It is not known if Kerry and Natasha met up to compare reality-show notes whilst on the island, though it is doubtful; Kerry wasn't invited to Natasha's wedding, and one imagines that Natasha hasn't been invited to Kerry's various nuptials and divorce celebrations.

If you have no idea who either of these ladies are, then you clearly do not spend your entire lives attached to a television reality show, dissecting the celebrity pages of magazines and newspapers or having old Atomic Kitten CDs on endless play in the car. They would actually have to be very old CDs where Kerry was concerned. The remarkable thing about her, and there is much that is remarkable, is that she left before the girl group achieved real success; the single most remarkable thing about Kerry is that she acquired celebrityhood through having done absolutely nothing of any note.

Mallorca is especially lucky as Kerry has been saying how much she liked the island. On the principle that all publicity is good publicity, then one supposes this is positive. And as Kerry has been a sage to a generation, then it has to be. Indeed, given Kerry's attributes as a role model, it would be surprising were the tourism ministry not inclined to rope her in as a promotional face of Mallorca. Forget the clean-cut sideburns of an Olympic and Tour de France champion, get someone with four children, two failed marriages, a bankruptcy, a bipolar disorder, a drug and drink habit (no longer of course), and you have almost the perfect image for just the sort of tourist Mallorca craves.

Kerry's one of those easy targets. When you have a surname such as hers and a previous drug habit, then it is a simple leap to arrive at Kerry Catatonic. Less simple, because you have to have made the original leap, is to think that Catatonic is some form of hair restorer for young pussies, by which I do of course mean kittens. Atomic or otherwise.

Kerry may be an easy target, but I have a lot of admiration for her. It's not her fault that she is a product of times that elevate someone to celebrity status for all the wrong reasons. It is also not her fault that, in the pursuit of celebritist vacuity, the local media (and others) should attach themselves to her moments on Mallorca.You go for it, girl. Play it for all it's worth.

It is getting worse, the Mallorcan addiction to celebrity. It has long been an affliction, but it has become an epidemic. Summer brings out the worst of this disease, as there are more names around who can be dropped, but the superficiality of Mallorca's celebritism is now spreading even thinner than it used to. The island is no longer founded on limestone but on the shallow shale of the celebrity, and as such it is an appropriate reflection of much of the shallowness that passes for everyday life.

My old idea of a "Celebritarium" attraction/theme park does need revisiting. I quite overlooked (how could I have?) Kerry's place alongside Lempit Öpik as a regular in the Celebritarium, the concept for which is that celebrities are released back into their natural habitats - well-known clubs and shows on the island, Portals Nous (for the very good reason that Louise Redknapp once considered it "authentic"), various yachts and yacht clubs, anything with five stars appended to it, something for charity naturally enough - while Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughbooby provide an endless, running commentary and conduct interviews regarding their latest books/drug addiction/new video/Twitter trolling/run with the Olympic torch/charitable foundation, or all of these.

I'm convinced that the Celebritarium would be a huge success. And where better to locate it than on Celebrity Island, home to the vacuous. Indeed, given that that other theme park idea  - you'll remember the one - seems to have dropped off the publicity agenda (tourism minister Delgado has suggested that it isn't a dead duck, but there is a distinct lack of quacking going on, which suggests otherwise), then the Celebritarium would fill the void perfectly. And it would be a major boost to winter tourism, too.

Such a good idea is it that people need to move quickly before somewhere else nicks the idea. Somewhere like, for example, Catalonia. Which sounds remarkably similar to catatonia.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.