Rubbish Weather

"It has gone beyond the joke stage to one where it is now a bit serious. The fifth weekend in succession that has been washed out."

"This is getting to be a nightmare. This morning, another storm, another deluge. No end in sight."

"And so, after all the rubbish weather comes the hot stuff."

These are quotes from what I wrote on 9 June, 11 June and 23 June, 2008. The weather had been awful for most of May and for three weeks into June. It can happen.

And when it happens, there are always the questions raised as to what the hell anyone can do to pass the time. Even if you can find something, it doesn't compensate. There is nothing more miserable than being on holiday, in a place where the sun is always meant to shine, and the sun does anything but.

"Sun and beach." "Sol y playa." What Mallorca built its reputation on. Not on rain and no beach. When the weather is as naff as it can be, there are other inevitabilities, in addition to the questions as to what can be done. One such is that people feel sorry for tourists who have to put up with the lousy weather, an experience made worse if they happen to listen into Test Match Special and hear Aggers describing a perfect and warm summer's afternoon at Lord's and the sound of leather on willow.

It is this feeling sorry, however, that is the lie to another inevitability, that of "ah, but it's still better than being in England". No, it isn't. It is many times worse, and the simple expression of sorrow on behalf of benighted tourists emphasises firstly how much worse it is and how much visitors do only come for one thing. The sun. And for a second thing. The beach.

The fact that there isn't anything to do also emphasises the whole ethos of Mallorca, its whole purpose. Because the weather is not normally naff, there is no real point in creating alternatives to the sun and beach. This, in itself, says all you need to know about how pointless all the talk of "alternative" tourism really is. Get a bad spell of weather, and the whole point of Mallorca goes out of the window, or down a drain, assuming it isn't blocked by sheer volume of water.

And the degree to which visitors, either already arrived or about to, consult every available weather internet site to try and seek some reassurance tells you all you need to know about why they are in Mallorca or on their way. Sun. Sun and beach.

While bad experiences at a hotel can deter a tourist coming to Mallorca again in the future, so also can the weather. One can be controlled, the other can't be. But in truth, there is probably only one month of the year that you can be reasonably certain about. And that's July. Even in July, however, it can misbehave; it did for a while last year. To decide to not come again, because the weather was rubbish, is, therefore, somewhat irrational. You can't predict it. You can consult all you like the previous years' records and they could still steer you in the wrong direction. I could, for example, say that January is one of the best months of the year, because it often is, but then it could turn out to be freezing cold and chucking it down.

There is nothing so certain as the uncertain, and that is the weather.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.