Bandanarama

Dock. Dock. Dock.

I am searching for the best onomatopoiea. You may have better. But you'll know to what I refer. Lie back on a beach, close your eyes, think of nothing in particular, and within seconds your personal bit of tranquility will be invaded by the sound of wooden-racket beach paddle tennis. Dock. Dock. Dock.

There is little that is more irritating. Piers Morgan perhaps, but at least he doesn't generally speaking plonk himself down next to you on a beach and annoy the hell out of you with his supercilious smugness. I have a theory that Morgan was bullied at school, and that he is now taking it out on the world. I digress though.

The irritants of holidays. Some aren't irritants as such, more why in God's name is someone doing thats, such as walking barefoot the ten minutes or so back from the beach. Given, as previously mentioned, the propensity of the local Rovers to scatter their messages from a bottom hither and thither, it is preferable to soil the sole of a flip-flop than the sole of a foot.

Others are genuine irritants. Like the I'm completely ignoring the sign at the entrance to the local Eroksi which asks that I don't enter minus a top (presuming I'm a man, that is) and minus footwear (with or without whatever might have been trod in en route).

Let's say, for sake of argument, that you come from Luton. Do you go to the local Tesco wearing only a pair of shorts? As a rule, you don't. Do you walk the ten minutes to Tesco's in bare feet? Normally, not. And do you, either on a work day or at the weekend, wear a bandana?

In Luton there are, even now, building workers, plumbers, chartered accountants thinking to themselves, "you know what, when I go on holiday I'm going to get me a bandana." Or get the whole family bandanas. And a Jeep convertible. A family of bandanas, all black paisley affairs, rode into town the other day, with his and her matching bandanas and those for the kids as well. A statement of bandana-ism is clearly best made when everyone can see it. Wearing bandanas whilst concealed by a Ford Focus would be pretty stupid.

According to the website coolbandanas.com, a cool bandana is "great for heat-related health problems". I can accept that there may be a health benefit to the bandana, but so there also is to the hat or even the hair. A further advantage of the bandana, so says another website, is that it keeps hair out of your face, which it would if the person wearing one had any.

The typical bandana-wearer (male) has usually gone the full Phil Mitchell. It's the double whammy of fashion victim-ism: a number one covered in a square piece of fabric with connotations of gangstas. The number one (or lower) is hugely impractical in hot climes. Just ask former England cricketer Chris Lewis, for instance. He shaved his hair off during a match in the West Indies and promptly got heat stroke. The bandana might have helped stave it off, but then why opt for two fashion statements when you can do without either?

That's the thing with the bandana. It is a fashion statement. No more, no less. But, in addition to its association with American gang culture, it is also has an association with gay culture. I'm not about to explain how this works, but suffice it to say that some wearers, giving their heads a relief, might wish to avoid putting the bandana into a back pocket.

Nevertheless, one could excuse the bandana on the grounds of metrosexuality. New men wear bandanas. Unfortunately, they are also inclined to wear something else: the sarong. This does at least, and mercifully, seem to be declining in popularity, which can be put down to Luton metro man having had a rare rush of common sense and realised that he looked a complete pillock.

But of course, there is more to it than just a fashion statement. It is about doing things, and wearing things, that you wouldn't dream of doing when not on holiday. The bandana is about letting your hair down, not that most wearers have any. We should in fact praise the bandanarama on display in a Jeep convertible or strutting along a prom; praise it as a symbol of being on holiday and really not caring a stuff. Because back in Luton, you really would look daft with a bandana and would probably be arrested if you went into Tesco's only wearing shorts.

But if bandana it is, please, please don't dock, dock, dock and please, please, put something on your feet because ... watch out! Oops, too late.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.