PSYCHO-X: Categorising expats

Psychographics are the study of personality, values, attitudes, interests and lifestyles. Psychographics as a concept was invented in order to turn the dross of the bleeding obvious into the gold of a marketing man's dreams. It is one that has spawned new words and new terms - yuppie, baby boomer, Generation X, they are all the product of psychographics.

There are also psychographics which have no particular end-product in mind. They exist in order to categorise and are a staple for magazines and other forms of media as they allow readers or users to score where they stand according to whatever they are attempting to measure or define. To add to this wholly pointless body of work, I present my own contribution. I have yet to flesh out the detail of the survey that would be required, but the results (as and when I get round to the survey) will allow you to see where you rank according to my patented new system of psychographics called PSYCHO-X.

This revolutionary methodology classifies, for the first time, styles of expatriate in Mallorca. PSYCHO-X stands for psychographics of expatriates, and it will enable you to fully understand where you rank in your local community. Are you, for example, extraordinarily important (usually in your own opinion) or are you a complete and utter nobody?

Some key categories are:

Stairway To Heaven. You are the ultimate social climber. Life exists for one purpose and one purpose alone, to have your photo in the "Bulletin" at least once a week. And if it isn't in at least once a week, you fire off an indignant letter to the editor insisting that one is inserted immediately.

All Publicity Is Good Publicity. Really, there is no bad publicity, it is all good because you make it so. Similar to the STH, the APIGP is constantly reminding his or her network to remind everyone else how interesting he or she is. You are, because self-publicity is all you are interested in, inclined to refer to yourself by means of glowing nouns - mover and shaker, award-winner, leading member of the community - just in case anyone has failed to appreciate that you are one of these. As with the STH, the rest of the community considers you to be a complete nob (those who have actually heard of you, and there are far fewer than you might hope).

Girls Around. You aren't necessarily a girl, as you could very much be a woman. In fact you are more likely to be mature, but "boogying" - a word no one under the age of 30 would dream of using - to the latest house music sensation, something which you do at least twice a week, instantly makes you 21. You also aren't necessarily either an STH or APIGP, but you probably have ambitions to be one or the other. You spend your days and nights having lunch or dinner, being invited to all the best functions, spraying yourself with fake tan if the sun hasn't been out for a couple of days and are a regular visitor to the teeth-whitening clinic.

Comfortably Numb. You are well-off, live in a gated paradise and spend all day getting pissed.

Uncomfortably Numb. You aren't well-off, live in a small studio apartment and spend all day getting pissed.

Go Wild In The Country. You have gone totally native. You live on a run-down finca with goats roaming in and out of the house, eat only tumbet and tell anyone you encounter that they should only eat it as well (with some trampo). You speak Mallorquín badly and habitually drop Mallorquín words into conversation with your ignorant, English-newspaper-reading British friends (the few that you still have, if any).

Nowhere Man (Or Woman). No one has the faintest idea who you are. You drift on the periphery of the expat community, never being invited to anything.

The Old Colonial. You appreciate - just - that Empire has gone but you are prone to drone on and on about how great the old country is, the one you no longer live in.

The Couldn't Care Less. You just carry on your life not in completely blissful ignorance of anything to do with Mallorca but with little interest in anything to do with Mallorca, except that the sun shines, the Sky card is working ok and they haven't totally stopped all winter flights. You have certainly never heard of anyone in the STH, APIGP and GA categories and have no interest in hearing about them.

Well, there we are. In fact, these are just a few of the PSYCHO-X categories. There are many more, and you can probably think of your own. So please let me know and I'll gladly nick your ideas.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.