The Ultimate Question Of Mallorcan Life: Celebrities

How many celebrities are there in the UK? Tricky question, huh? One of the more astute answers to the question would be 42. As the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42, and as celebrities are - or appear to be - the ultimate meaning of life, then 42 it has to be. And if 42 is correct, then the ultimate question, which Deep Thought said required an even more powerful computer in order to arrive at the question that would make the answer meaningful, would have to be the one I have asked above.

However, I'm not convinced by my own argument. There are surely more than 42 celebrities. What, therefore, does Google have to say on the subject? Not very much. Someone has had a go at the bigger question of how many celebrities there are in the world, admitting that "it is very difficult to count how many celebrities exist in the world". Nevertheless, he or she has had a go: "If I had to guess, I would say (conservative estimate) that there are literally tens of thousands of celebrities around the world".

Why this guess required the use of "literally" I have no idea, but be that as it may. It's not a particularly good guess, as it is somewhat vague, but one should still applaud this contributor to Wiki Answers for at least making an attempt. Not that this helps with the number of celebrities in the UK. Or perhaps it does. Maybe there are (literally) ten thousand celebrities in the UK. Hmm. I'm still not convinced. There are probably more. It does all rather depend of course.

One difficulty in arriving at an answer, as the Wiki Answers contributor was so incisive in pointing out, lies with how one defines a celebrity. Piers Morgan is at least clear when it comes to the British celebrities who really matter. We can be, as we should always be, immensely grateful to anything Piers offers by way of advancing a body of knowledge, and in the "Daily Mail" a couple of years ago, he identified the 100 celebrities who really matter who aren't Piers Morgan. (Incidentally, what was Piers doing writing in the "Mail"? Has this one-time "Mirror" editor no scruples?)

Two years are a long time in the celebrity world. I doubt that Lily Allen would still be at number 30 on the list, and Amy Winehouse would no longer feature at all. But Piers' fortune 100 list is instructive in providing clues to a question that is even more ultimate than that to do with the number of celebrities in the UK. This is the question as to how many celebrities from the UK have a Mallorcan connection and it is a question which deals with the ultimate meaning of Mallorcan life. There is no other.

So, who have we got? Catherine Zeta-Jones, number 78; Andrew Lloyd Webber (61); Robbie Williams (45); Frank Lampard (39); Jeremy Clarkson (14); Richard Branson (13); Kate Moss (8). And at number one, which is where he will be for now and all eternity, Simon Cowell, who only merits a Mallorcan connection because his sister lives on the island and he once gave ESRA some money for some reason, or something like that.

I daresay that there are others from this invaluable Morgan resource who have graced Mallorca with their celebrity, but of ones I know anything about (and knowing about and caring about are two very different things), the ratio of UK celebrities to Mallorca is 8 in 99 (adjusted because of death) or 7.5 in 99, if one discounts Simon Cowell by 50%. On this basis, and given a total number of UK tourists per annum in the region of two million, there are 150,000 UK celebrities who have a Mallorcan connection. Which is an awful lot of celebrities - literally tens of thousands of them. Can't be right.

The 150,000 might though be the answer to the question about the total number of UK celebrities. Other than those who really matter, there are literally tens of thousands of those who don't: one-time "Grange Hill" child actors; a bloke who once stood in on drums for a Showaddywaddy gig; former British prime ministers and so on. Lord alone knows how many of them make it to Mallorca each year. Though I feel we really ought to be told. Like all the aliens from the galaxy who are wandering around, you just never know when you will stumble across someone  in a bar who used to pull the strings for Pinky and Perky. And if he tells you the answer is 42, then he's pulling your leg.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.


Index for August 2012

Abandoned houses - 11 August 2012
All-inclusives - 2 August 2012
Attractions: problems they face - 8 August 2012
August madness - 16 August 2012
British seaside resorts and Mallorca - 23 August 2012
Celebrities - 3 August 2012, 31 August 2012
David Cameron's holiday - 15 August 2012, 26 August 2012
Diversity of British tourism - 17 August 2012
Fiesta posters - 1 August 2012
Gran Scala and Mallorcan projects - 12 August 2012
Holiday let debate - 29 August 2012, 30 August 2012
Hotel conversion - 24 August 2012
Hotel occupancy figures are misleading - 27 August 2012
IVA rise and problems to follow - 10 August 2012
Iván Ramis transfer to Wigan - 5 August 2012
Kitesurfing - 19 August 2012
Presstrips and promotion - 22 August 2012
Problem at Pollensa Bay - 7 August 2012
Rapper and death threats - 14 August 2012
Regatta in Alcúdia - 4 August 2012
Russian tourism - 13 August 2012
Spain and the Olympics - 6 August 2012
Spanish tourism overseas - 20 August 2012
Tourism, marketing and illegal lets - 9 August 2012
Tourism: press treatment - 28 August 2012
Town halls and spending on facilities - 21 August 2012
Trip Advisor and tourist malevolence - 18 August 2012
Waiters - 25 August 2012