Widening The Umbrella: Beaches

I must have told you the story of the javelin-throwing nudists of Cap d'Agde. Surely I have. But if not ... To set the scene, and just to add that they weren't in fact javelins, the mayor of Agde, some time in the mid-90s, decreed that "pornographic" activity on the nudist beach had to stop. This meant, of course, that the order was mostly ignored. Things came to a head one summer when certain nudists, numbering several hundred, or so it seemed from a safe distance, were confronted by riot police on horseback during the early evening shag-in that used to occur at the far end of the beach. It was at this point, point being apt, that the nudists retaliated. The poles from beach umbrellas rained down on the police.

I tell this story, not because beach-umbrella poles are commonly used on Mallorcan beaches as offensive weapons, but because these poles could theoretically cause harm. And they are most likely to when the wind suddenly gets up.

Umbrellas are becoming, like balcony diving, the theme of this summer. The main theme has to do with the companies providing the umbrellas, the reed or grass-made ones, as opposed to the multi-coloured ones with a pole that fly into the air at the merest hint of a breeze. The kerfuffle in Puerto Pollensa over provision of umbrellas and other services appears to have died down, only for it re-emerge in Can Picafort.

There is a connection between the two. F&A Beach, the Puerto Pollensa operator, has had concessions on Playa de Muro beach, as has Bernat Riutort. They have not exactly seen eye to eye in the past. Anyway, Riutort is running the Can Picafort concession this year, and a familiar story has cropped up, one familiar to anyone who was aware of the over-provision of beach umbrellas in Playa de Muro in the past.

The mayor of Santa Margalida, Miguel Cifre (always a Miguel Cifre), said that there were too many umbrellas and sunbeds. Way too many in fact. Oh no, there weren't, came the Riutort retort. Plod was duly despatched, unmolested and not attacked by beach umbrella poles, as would be the practice in the south of France, and found that an order for the removal of the excessive numbers of umbrellas had been complied with. "For now," mayor Cifre has observed cryptically.

The over-proliferation of umbrellas on Can Picafort's beach had one big advantage. Sorry, two big advantages. One was that the umbrella sunbedsraum of the beach meant that more beachside businesses had umbrellas in front of them. Now that they have been taken away, businesses are complaining and demanding that they be put back. The other big advantage was that by making it impossible to find any space that wasn't occupied by a static umbrella meant that umbrellas on poles couldn't be planted. And the big advantage with this was that the likelihood of death by beach-umbrella pole was lessened considerably.

I have wondered, especially as a beach umbrella hurtles past me or crashes into me in mid-snooze, whether any litigation has resulted from flying poles. They are normally the result of negligence. Off go the owners into the water or to the beach bar, leave the umbrella up, wind suddenly gets up and off goes the umbrella. And what about the harm to the environment? Wind in the right direction and the umbrella makes a dash for France, assuming it has come from a beach in the north of Mallorca. Might be useful of course if it makes its way as far as Cap d'Agde, but otherwise it will eventually come to rest and clog up the Med.

The beach umbrella, offensive though it is, is not the worst beach offender. Other items of beach furniture, though less likely to cause injury, could be said to contravene certain regulations. The beaches are public spaces, and one reason why a concessionaire putting too many umbrellas out falls foul of a town hall is that he is occupying too much of that public space.

The same could be said, however, for the beach tent. They take that much time to erect that by the time they are put up it is time to go home, and they offend in the sheer amount of space they demand. They are also offensive in reinforcing the fact that, whereas going to the beach used once to be a straightforward enough procedure, it now requires a removals van, and this includes the dog, which shouldn't be there at all, but which is then hidden from view of the beach plod inside the tent.

No, rather than tents, rather than life-threatening umbrellas and poles, let the concessionaires put out as many of their umbrellas as they like. After all, the town halls should worry. All those lovely fines.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.