Five Go Mad In Alcúdia

"Now look, one of you girls is going to have to be a boy. There are four boys in our Famous Five. And I vote that it's George."

"I agree with Julian. After all, you've always wanted to be a boy, George," said Dick.

"But if I'm a boy then what about Timmy? He's not a boy, he's a dog," said George.

"Well of course Timmy's a boy, and he is so licky, aren't you, Timmy," said Anne.

"Right. that's settled. I vote we all have a cold swim and then go to a secret bar, that we must not under any circumstances identify, for a slap-up meal with lashings of Magners, er, I mean ginger beer," suggested Julian.

"Yes, to reveal the identity of any bar would mean the destruction of our British empire and civilisation and an invasion of foreign ideologies," added Dick.

"You'll make a wonderful far-right politician one day, Dick. And first-rate idea, Julian. You boys are so clever." "Hoorah!" shouted Anne.

"And afterwards we can go back to Casa Kirrin and plan our next adventure. Finding our dear kidnapped Uncle Quentin, sorry, Johnny," added Julian.

"Yes, it's all very queer. Why would an ageing scientist be kidnapped in Alcúdia of all places?" asked Dick. "Anne, why are you looking as though you know something? You will make a splendid housewife one day, but come on, spill the beans, old stick."

"It's because ..." Anne started to sob.

"Oh don't be such a girl, Anne," said George.

"It's because Uncle Johnny revealed the secrets of the best bars of Alcúdia."

"He did WHAT!" exclaimed Julian. "Are you suggesting that Uncle Johnny frequents bars and drinks alcohol, unlike us, the Famous Five, who only deign to go to such establishments to satisfy our incredible gluttony, but who are also, secretly, the five best bar people in Alcúdia."

"Poor Uncle Johnny," said George. "But who could have kidnapped him?"

"I'll bet that it was a foreigner," suggested Julian. "I've seen rather a lot of them lately."

"I agree with Julian. A foreigner said something to me the other day. 'Hijo de tu puta madre' I think it was. It was all very queer and very foreign," Dick remarked.

"What could it have meant? But he was obviously foreign. We must call the police," recommended Julian.

"Yes, and they can round up all the foreigners and torture them using wild goats and some salt," added George. "And then we will have our dear, dear Uncle Johnny back, and he can write all those spiffing stories about what old ladies say at airports. Not any of this nasty stuff about bars, and drinking and horrid things like that."

"What a wizard idea," said Dick. "Lick the truth out of them." "Anne, are those aniseed balls you've got in your lap? Share them around, old thing. But why is Timmy being more licky than ever?"

"Yuck! That's so yucky, Anne. I'm glad I'm a boy, after all," said George.


(To be continued, or hopefully not. With due acknowledgement to Enid Blyton but more obviously The Comic Strip. "Five Go Mad In Dorset": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_TiqoEw4sQ.)





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