Language Rules: Don't enter containers!

"All concerts will start punctually at 22:00 hours."

So far not so bad. Bit of a problem with "22:00 hours" and the rather direct tone, which makes it sound like a police report, but then this is all part of the "rules", as will become evident.

"The entry will only be allowed in their precinct in the rest among the pieces of the program, if there is some."

Erm, now things get a tad awkward. We have a definite article "the entry" where a definite article is not required. We also have a "program" that can normally only be a "program" if it is American or a piece of software. We also have a totally meaningless sentence. If there is some what, exactly?

"The persons foreign to the organization can not make pictures, nor filming or enregistramens."

Ok, so the persons are presumably in fact people, as, and again a bit like police reports, persons are not generally the correct plural form. And who are these persons? They're foreigners. Is this right? From abroad. Tourists perhaps. Whoever they are, they "can not" where normally they "cannot" take pictures and then ... then we get a bit lost. The foreigners cannot make "enregistramens". Let me help out. It is in fact Catalan for recordings.

"It is not allowed to smoke in the inside of the courtyard of the Cloister, nor the use of ranges or similar. It is not allowed either to enter any type of container nor devices of telephony."

Right, so I think we get the bit about not smoking, but the use of these ranges or indeed similar. Where is this all going? And then it becomes a guessing game. What containers are there in the Cloister (I assume we are talking about the Cloister)? One is not, for example, allowed to enter a rubbish container or a skip. Is this what is meant? Entering a device of telephony would be some feat. Don't know about you, but I have never tried to physically get inside a mobile phone.

"The entry/ticket of those persons who use a non appropriate wardrobe in relation/relationship to/in the act will not be allowed."

Hmm. So someone or some persons come along with a wardrobe that is, oh I don't know, is it from IKEA perhaps? If it were from the grand El Corte Inglés department store would this be appropriate? The police report seems to have returned as well. Persons or persons unknown in a non appropriate (should of course be inappropriate) wardrobe and being caught in the act. Fine, it's becoming clearer. If you're caught in the act with your inappropriate wardrobe, then you are not allowed. Allowed to do what? Or allowed in maybe? Yep, I think it's allowed in.

Look, I could go on with all of this, but I imagine you have got the drift by now. This mangling of the English language comes from the ominously presented "General Rules" for the Pollensa Music Festival. Actually getting to these rules is a challenge in itself. Go to the website for the festival and the home page is that from 2010, so you might be inclined to give up. But if you click English, you come to 2011 and eventually to the rules.

There are several points about all this. One is that the publicity is still so poor that they haven't got round to changing the home page. The second is the sheer pomposity of some of these "rules", assuming you can understand them. They just go to reinforce what I have said about the limited appeal of the festival. They are designed to deter not to attract. And thirdly, there is of course the fact that the English is total gobbledegook.

This is an international event. Allegedly. English is the usual international language. Why on earth can't they find someone - from Britain or another English-speaking country, of whom there are many knocking around Pollensa - to spend a few minutes translating the Klingon that has been provided into English? Probably because they might have to pay someone, and they haven't got any money. It is, however, a dreadful indictment. You can understand a restaurant getting its English cocked up (actually you can't understand, because they could also get a native-speaker to give it the once-over), but this is a bloody music festival. Prestigious, so they say. The most prestigious in Mallorca. They're having a laugh.

You despair, you really do despair.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.