Remember My Name

Are you a celebritist? I'm not sure if I am using the word as it is meant to be, but as it is a word of recent invention (indeed I thought I had invented it until I googled it and found that I hadn't) it can probably mean what you want it to mean. I'm going for this meaning: one who has a fascination with celebrities. It sounds better than a celebrophile, the reverse of which would be celebrophobe. I guess I'm one of the latter. There must be grounds for there being such a state as "celebridiction". "Celebridict", one with an addiction to celebrities (Oxford English Dictionary); and before you go and check I have indeed made that up. At least I think I have.

Someone should start celebritist tourism. In Mallorca. Come to the island and see the celebrities at play. There are thousands of them, seemingly. Great hordes of them at charity golf days or shopping for donkeys with sombreros. How many have I ever personally seen? Er. I did once see who I thought was Pauline Quirke in the old Tango, but maybe it wasn't her or was a Pauline tribute act out for a chicken supper. The perils of being Pauline, or not as the case may be. I quite like Pauline Quirke, in a quirky way. Had I been a celebritist, though, I would have rushed up with a paper Tango place mat and insisted on an autograph and bored her rigid by reeling off my favourite episodes of "Birds Of A Feather". I might even have been a Pauline celebridict, convinced of Pauline's part in my past life. Remember that Little Britain character? The one David Walliams played who was obsessed with the late, lamented Mollie Sugden and who ended up killing Mollie with a knife hurled across a restaurant? I wouldn't wish that on Pauline.

The name of the Quirke-meistress has cropped up - once again - in our favourite local newspaper. Her academy hosted a couple of celebrities. Who they? No idea. But they are celebrities because it said they were. And then there were some others, one of whom was Steve Wright. Steve Wright? Sid the Manager and Voiceover Man in tow? Em, well no, because it wasn't that Steve Wright. Indeed it wasn't any Steve Wright. It was a Steve wrong. From his photo I wouldn't have had a clue. That was given by the text. "Steve, a drummer with Style Council." Steve White, not Wright. Such is the fame of celebrity that no-one gets your name right. Or wright. Or wrong. But I still wouldn't have known who it was, not from the face anyway. Paul Weller yes, a twenty-odd-years-removed Mick Talbot possibly, but the bloke who played the drums? Not a chance. Maybe it wasn't him at all. He just said he was, and got his name wrong, or wright.

All these soap stars (so-called), all these children's show presenter stars (so-called), all the never-were pop stars (so-called). Do I care? What do you think? Now Clarkson, that was a different matter. He's funny and he's interesting. Unlike some totty from "Hollyoaks" who might pitch up at some Calvia-based charity thrash, he is someone you might wish to pay attention to. (Actually you may wish to pay attention to the Hollyoaker, but for different reasons.) James May as well. I could of course say that I went to university with James May, which would be rather economical with the truth. He went to the same university as me - at a different time. I had no knowledge of the chap until he started tagging along with Jezza. At university I had a mate who used to do tricks on his moped, like riding through hoops of fire. He was the son of a celebrity, but I'm not telling you who.

But maybe I just move in the wrong circles. The chances of encountering Michael Winner are remote, about as remote as him ordering a full English at the likes of The Foxes Arms or Yummy Yummy. "The fried egg was historic." Nevertheless, celebrity tourism would be a winner, with or without Michael. They could gather all the celebs in a Celebritarium and run excursions. Watch the stars eating a three-course meal. See them sitting around. Be amazed at them having a drink and going for a slash. And there would be musical accompaniment to this spectacular of the celebrity mundane. The drummer would of course be Steve Wright, or even White.

Fame? They're going to live forever at the new Mallorca Celebritarium.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Eric Clapton (Cream), Stevie Winwood (Traffic), Ginger Baker (Cream) and Ric Grech (Family). Today's title - this is a line from what? The last line above gives it away.

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