Bad Omen

This is a kind of part two to 14 September (Jennifer, Alison, Philippa, Sue). A couple of days ago "The Sun" listed the top ten names - male and female - that would stop those monikered thus from being asked for a date. If you happen to be called Judas or Adolf, you should be a tad concerned, though the good news is that you only feature at five and six in the list. There again, how many people called Judas have any of you ever encountered? I would guess that there are exactly no people so named in the whole of the United Kingdom, unless they have been named after a dreadful heavy-metal outfit. There are probably a few nutters in the US who've changed their name to Judas by deed poll, but otherwise ... . And as for Adolf. Not even in Germany is anyone called Adolf. Well not for some sixty odd years.

Betrayal and genocide appear not to be the worst sins associated with names, nor is it essential that names, such as the two above, come from real people, because in at number one on the list, with a staggering 90% of the vote, is Damien. Not because of Hirst's calf in formaldehyde, but because of a made-up character. From "The Omen". Sorry, but if you're Damien, the chances of your being picked up are almost as likely as there being a Judas in the whole of the greater London region. You'd have a better chance as an Adolf. Or why not go the whole Schwein and call yourself Hitler.

Despite the Damien-Omen connection, there is one greater Damien horror that finds the name worsting that of a one-time mad dictator, and that is ... "Only Fools And Horses". Priceless was the moment when Rodney was introduced to his newly born nephew. Priceless indeed was the whole Trotters' oeuvre. Until, that is, it became the comedy from which there can be no escape. I once parked by the strip in Magaluf. If there is a hell, it is a bar with episodes of Del Boy on a constant loop. Or several bars, all with the inhabitants of Nelson Mandela House. And I say this as someone who thought the shows some of the finest of all sitcom writing. For Maga, read also places in Alcúdia. I have to presume that Trotters bar itself has its own dedicated Del and Rodders channel. Endless repeats with Grandad, Denzil, Uncle Albert, Boycie, Marlene, Trigger, Cassandra and of course Damien. Endless repeats endlessly repeating themselves. Perhaps that list of names should also include Derek and Raquel.

But true bar hell would need more than just ancient John Sullivan output, it would also require Keith Floyd. Or someone approximating to him. A.A. Gill, while acknowledging Floyd's undoubted qualities on the screen, considered him to be very different away from the box. Referring to an interview he did with the finally dead former TV chef: "I found him in one of those sorry Costa del Sol pubs at 10.30am, necking pints, leaning on a bar with half a dozen hacking, pasty-faced, nicotine-fingered taxi drivers and nightclub bouncers, flicking through 'The Sun' while complaining about the football and the price of Marmite". And not just the Costa del Sol, Gilly. Floyd would not have been of a similar snivelling state as Paul Whitehouse's master-class of the pathetic in a pub - his sad git Archie. Far too flamboyant, one assumes. But Gill's estimation of him in "The Sunday Times" as "boorish, bullying, opinionated, abusive and drunk" could just as easily apply to a character it might be your misfortune to encounter. In, for example, an Alcúdia bar. Or a Pollensa bar. And the chances of doing so at present are greatly increased. As the rain continues to deposit the equivalent of the Mediterranean on an hourly basis, where else is there to go than to a bar. What else is there to do than get drunk? And then offer all and sundry views on all and sundry. Who might this Floyd-alike be? "Oh, by the way, my name's Damien. I was named after the kid in 'The Omen' ".


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Malcolm McLaren. It came from the album Duck Rock - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt6Co7EMNCU. Today's title - heavy, heavy, and it's not Judas Priest.

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