When Sky Falls: Telly for Mallorcan expats

Let me say straightaway that I do not and never have had Sky or British television in Mallorca and that, not running and never have run a bar which almost invariably demands that footy, soaps and what have you are shown, I do not spend mostly my entire existence concerned with the intricacies of Sky boxes, cards, satellites, coding or alternatives that are beamed in via the Middle East or from the Alpha Centauri star system. In other words, I haven't a clue about how it all works, as I have never needed to know. So if, by any chance, you have come to this article anticipating to find some great insight into the satellite apocalypse which may be about to befall Mallorca, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place.

Because I haven't a clue, I wouldn't normally bother to write about a subject. But occasionally, for reasons not connected with the technology per se, I do attempt to find out, so it was with more than passing interest that I read an article in today's "Bulletin" which attempted to explain what is currently happening with regard to what might herald the end of the world as the expatriate in Mallorca knows it. The Mayans may have got things slightly wrong, but it appears that Sky may be ushering in the collapse of civilisation instead.

The article, notwithstanding some rather odd use of the verb "predicate" (I think it should have been "predict", though I might be wrong), says that "we are very close to a catastrophic loss of Channel 4 and a large number of Sky channels including most of Sky sports as early as January or February". Among the areas in Mallorca that will be most affected are Alcúdia and Pollensa for those with satellite dishes smaller than 1.6 metres. After this, it all gets somewhat baffling; Arab signals interfering with Sky signals, BBC and ITV under threat, a dish of 1.6 metres or maybe 1.8 metres or even 2 metres being needed, the cost of which can be as much as 1,000 euros. I get the impression that the situation is far from clear and that no one probably knows.

Unless these transmission issues turn out not to be as "catastrophic" as is being implied and life can carry on as normal, i.e. the expatriate community being constantly glued to the television, it might not be stretching things to "predicate" (sic) that the recent flight of expats who have found that Mallorca isn't quite the paradise the brochure had made it out to be will become a wholesale exodus. The great trek may be about to begin, and it will all be Sky's fault for changing its satellite and configurations.

Rather like the growth of tourism can, I'm convinced, be shown to correspond with the invention of the easy-to-fold-down baby buggy, so living in Mallorca or Spain or many other places can, I'm also convinced, be related to the ease of communications, mainly therefore satellite transmission. The whole meaning of life in Mallorca will collapse along with the loss of a satellite signal, resulting in expatriates taking to the streets, wailing and hollering and rending away their clothes before booking the first removals van and Ryanair flights in order to get back to where television can be watched without any fear of interruption. Had it not been for satellite, there would not be the same expatriate population. Sky should, therefore, be the "x" factor in an equation of expatriate migration (where this migration "m" equals, primarily, "x" to denote Sky).

The fact is that, because loss of signal is being predicated, then I'm afraid it does appear as if it is going to happen, as predicate means, or can mean, to assert as being true, so there is no doubt. Were the loss being predicted, then there might be some question mark, as a prediction does contain an element of doubt, which is where the Mayans had, I fancy, been hedging their bets. They'd predicted the end of the world rather than having predicated it, or maybe they had predicated it, in which case they are now looking rather more stupid than they already were.

Well, whatever the verb should be, Skyfall is about to adopt a new meaning in Mallorca (possibly), and it will be one that will put an end to any Bond or other film being beamed in. Maybe. Who really knows. If the expatriate world does end, though, you know who to blame.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.