Would You Mind? We're Talking About Shirts

"So, where do you stand on the men with no shirts debate?" "What men with no shirts debate?" "Men with no shirts in bars and supermarkets and so on." "Never thought about it. Never been bothered about it." Thus replied a bar-owner (female). The bar in question has a terrace and it is in Puerto Alcúdia. There is a bar in Puerto Pollensa that does not have a terrace and also has a sign saying "no shirt, no sale" - or something like that.

What does it matter? Shirtlessness, that is. Elsewhere, I have seen an exchange about this in the context of the alleged increased tackiness of Puerto Pollensa. Men with no shirts. God forbid. And in the resort of the blessed that is Puerto Pollensa, as opposed to the resort of the damned of Puerto Alcúdia. What will become of us all? At the one extreme, I fancy there are those who would prefer males to be clad in safari suit and pith helmet and to be carrying a stout cane with some flagellant straps on the end with which to ward off flies and the natives. At the other, there are those who seem only to have brought with them a pair of shorts and flip-flops and ward off everyone and everything with an expanse of belly. Avert that child's eyes and put blinkers on that horse! A semi-naked man, with added lard!

Some people have no class. That's undoubtedly the case. When last nosebagging at Taste of India, a gentleman of body artwork seated himself at the adjoining table - minus shirt. Why? Would the same gentleman tackle a tikka masala in his local Indian back home bare to the waist? No, I don't imagine he would. It may be warm, but it's not a nudist colony. And even at nudist colonies, mercifully, people generally dress for dinner.

There is of course body and body. Unfortunately, there is often far too much body. The Phil Mitchell-isation of the British male is a curious, knuckles-to-the-fore, arms in the Dubya coat-hanger-position phenomenon of mob-instinct peer-grouping among adults who really ought to know better. And there was I thinking that "clone" was a gay motif. Gut, tattoos, a low-number head shave. Ultra attractive. Many moons ago, I noted here that two Spanish women in the Eroski supermarket uttered "guapo" (lovely) in a sarcastic tone as two Mitchells who had failed to pack a shirt bullocked by - vast beef mountains of flesh that should have been carved up and had the toothpick of a price per kilo stuck into them on the meat counter. What on Earth do they think they look like? Eroski seems to have given up with its sign asking for a shirt and something on the feet. It had little effect, so the poor, demure girlies at the check-outs still get a very full frontal of stomach and man boob in glorious pink.

There again, they are on holiday. And when on holiday, any decorum that may have been attained over the years is left on the airplane, deposited in the EasyJet rubbish sack. Not though that I am without some sympathy. Restaurants, main supermarkets, chemists - here are places of almost Catholic reverence that require the male equivalent of the something on the female shoulder. But bars, those with terraces especially, and on the streets? When you come from a land of the summer midday moon, every opportunity is needed for third-degree sunburn on that voluminous hillock of ashen belly.

The real problem is that places like Puerto Alcúdia and Puerto Pollensa have never quite managed to reconcile the fact that they are holiday resorts and also working, everyday towns. Viewed through the eyes of someone living in either (and also by those tourists who remembered to include a shirt on their packing list), there is something of the naff about troops of the non-shirted parading the streets. But to how many tourists does it actually occur that there is life beyond the beach and the pool? No, I don't blame them. Unappealing it may be for some, but it's holiday. Just be thankful they brought their shorts.


SUNWING GETS IT IN THE NECK
When a hotel and apartment complex has been around for getting on for 40 years, there comes a time for a bit of smartening up. And over the past winter, the Sunwing Resort in Puerto Alcúdia received just a refurb. Would have cost a bit. Unfortunately, it's going to cost a bit more. "The Diario" reports on a fine of some 750 grand for works that apparently didn't have the right licence and that caused a nuisance to neighbours. Oops.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - The Jam, "That's Entertainment" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv55WsedLYI). Today's title - this comes from something by some of the greatest lunatics of British popular music - and they were?

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