The Mallorca Take-Away

From the early-70s to the late-80s I spent a considerable amount of holiday time in Greece. It was a period of transition for the country - from rule over a backward nation by a military junta to something resembling a progressive economy. What did not change, appreciably, was the Greeks' utter distaste of anything German. The unlovely and unloved legacy left by the Nazis became, for the British, the puerile bordering on the supposedly comedic, the stuff of "Achtung! Surrender" and Gazza and Psycho wearing tin helmets. For the Dutch, it begat a fierce line in anti-German sentiment. But being a pragmatic and accommodating race (well until Geert Wilders loomed into view), they pretended to be friendly and even spoke the language. For the Greeks, however, it was the real loathe thing.

In the 70s a form of apartheid was practised in Greece. The Germans had to queue separately. A long-blond-haired student type, i.e. myself, might at first have been mistaken for being German, but when the truth emerged - English - I became like a long-lost son. Honestly, tears were shed by an aged Athenian on having some liberating English in his bar. A group of us once went for an evening at some shack of a taverna on an island the name of which I can't even remember: os, iki, ini, they all seemed to merge into one after a while. We'd been told you could eat the entire farmyard in return for a handful of drachmas. As we approached - in force - the owner was clearly unnerved. One half expected him to barricade himself in and produce an air rifle. "English?" he ventured hesitantly. "Bobby Charlton? Bee Gees?" Yes. The retsina flowed from the barrel. It was disgusting, but then retsina is.

Things do of course change. The English have turned Crete and Zante into battlegrounds of industrial alcohol. The German Mark and now Euro have filled the pockets of the tourism industry; that taverna is probably now a Biergarten. So when the suggestion was made that, in recognition of some German largesse in bailing out the Greek economy, the Greeks might hand over an island or several, it didn't sound like a complete April Fool, even if the small matter of the repayment of the war "loan" had been overlooked: out of gratitude for starving to death a significant number of its people and for occupying its territory, the Greeks handed over much of the content of the vaults of the Bank of Greece to the Nazis.

Germany does have form when it comes to wanting to buy islands. Or so the myth goes. Mallorca was once meant to have been on the shopping list of some German businessmen. As Spain is in similarly economic dire straits to Greece, it should perhaps consider putting the island on the market. But whether Germany could now afford it is another matter. President Antich is due to meet Angela Merkel during the Berlin tourism fair this week and so might pop the question. Doubtful that he'll get very far.

So if not the Germans, then who? Apparently the Chinese rate Greece as their favourite tourist destination. In a bidding war for Corfu, I think I know where my money would be, or rather whose money it would be. In building up a nice portfolio of Mediterranean holiday hotspots, Beijing might be inclined to eye up some reasonable real estate in the Balearics. As Mallorca seeks out new tourism markets and as it has also been over-run with Chinese bazars and restaurants, then an acquisition might offer - in the management lexicon - some "synergy". Who else might fancy Mallorca? Russia? Abu Dhabi? Or how about Venezuela? If the rumours about all that oil are true and Venezuela were to become the South American Saudi Arabia, then the lovable and whacky Hugo Chavez would doubtless jump at the chance of installing himself in the royal palace. It would certainly add a new dimension to the chav reputation that some parts of the island are said to have.

Meanwhile, Mallorca and Spain, in looking to ward off the acquisitive tendencies of other nations, have embarked on a new promotional campaign. "Necesito España." "I Need Spain." Very curious. Why does one need Spain? Is this some sort of competition? Fill in the missing words. "I need Spain like I need an enormous budget deficit." Shouldn't it be in a different order? "Spain Needs You." Yes it does, every last one of you, and Lord Bean is calling you all to arms. Fail to heed the call and the Albufera ducks get it; served crispy and in a Peking style.

(The photo of President Zapatero has appeared on different blogs unattributed.)


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.