Celebrity Love Island: Faces in Mallorca

Imagine the excitement. True celebrity comes to Alcúdia. Has photos taken. Appears in newspapers. Who can it be? Who is that ageing and wasted figure? Maybe it was rather apt that Ekaterina dubbed him an "evil goblin king". There is more than a touch of the folklore grotesque, after all, though an Ent from "Lord of the Rings" might be more appropriate. "The Ents ate only liquid food. They were not immortal but they were very old." Did The Ents do a bottle of spirits a day before entering rehab one more time? A tree, especially an old tree, seems right for a Wood. A face of bark.

Ronnie Wood was in town. Possibly still is. With his Brazilian polo coach. Some liaisons just seem very strange. Don't whatever you do, Ana, let Ron near a local establishment that may or may not be frequented with leggy Russian blondes. He was ok at Satyricon. Only a name for Bacchanalian. That's all. Restaurant to the stars; oh, and me. What a shame. A week or so later and one could have got an autograph. It could have had pride of place alongside my Don Van Vliet signature (and that's Captain Beefheart for those of you who may not know).

I like Ronnie Wood. Yes, he may have done the dirty on a wife who had tried nobly to keep his life together, but there is something satisfyingly reprobate about a 60+ year-old behaving badly, even if he is now on the wagon - again. Maybe. Ronnie, before he joined The Stones and morphed into his friend Keef, was in The Faces with Rod. At a time when Rod was worth listening to, i.e. before he turned into a cabaret act. The Faces put on one of the greatest live shows I have ever seen.

Ron's brief sojourn in Alcúdia proves that A-listers can even find their way to those parts of Mallorca which are not the Redknapped "authentic" celebrity-lunch land of Portals Nous. An A-lister of character, to boot. One can only but hope that he does not suddenly announce that he has found a love for the island. It is hugely disappointing when those of admirable controversy appear to mellow and are quoted thus. "Admits to having spent an increasing amount of time on the island and has fallen in love with the place. The 'Notting Hill' star admits to having fallen in love with the holiday hotspot many years ago." Fell so in love, it had to be admitted twice - in succeeding sentences ... in so many words. All hail good subbing or indeed original copy. Whatever. But thus overboarded "The Bulletin" in gushingly celeb tones as it splashed Rhys Ifans over the front page and said he would be living in Mallorca. All this love, and he runs the risk of being made a promotional "face" or, worse still, playing charity golf tournaments in Santa Ponsa. No, Rhys, we don't want you, or Ron, professing enduring love. Just say, it's alright, I suppose (preferably in Welsh), give a shrug and scuttle off the front pages. What Mallorca needs are not vacuous statements or air-head It-girls. Offensive charm offences. Altogether more interesting and entertaining.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.