Always Shines On TV

The more I think about it, the more I think I might, were I in a position to worry about such things, be worried that this Top Gear Classic Car Rally thing might not be the wonderful advert for Mallorca some seem to believe that it will be. Put it this way - why are they coming to Mallorca, for this particular rally? Clarkson and the boys don't do veiled PR exercises for tourist authorities; they do taking the piss. And that, the more I think about it, is what might, perhaps should, worry some.

Oh that these were still the glory days of motoring - a sedate drive in the countryside, yer best girl by yer side, yer dashing moustache and yer Brylcreemed hair set in concrete against the open-topped breeze; the mountains in the background as yer pull up by a marina for a G and T stiffener with David Niven. Unfortunately, things aren't like that anymore. There is also the not inconsiderable factor of Clarkson's total absence of political correctness. This, as anyone who reads him will be aware, manifests itself in a variety of ways, such as the fact that he would be the last person who might be described as an environmentalism fellow traveller. Then there is the matter of killing wildlife.

I fear there may be this rather misguided impression that this is all going to be an advert for Mallorcan landscape and its wonderful environment. There may well indeed be landscape, but there will also be some serious pollution occurring. Those classic cars do about a kilometre to the gallon. Haring around the roads going into the Tramuntana could be bad news for local hares as well. Or indeed any other poor animal that happens to get in the way. A classic car rally is just about the single most environmentally damaging event that one could possibly dream up, which is probably part of the reason that they're taking part. Then there is the potential for, well, just taking the Michael, and there is no shortage of potential in this respect.

The Top Gear programme comes at a time when apparently there is to be some reality thing showing how expats here are coping, or not, with the credit crunch. Doubtless there will be some poor saps who put their hands up to take part and are made to look total idiots - for that is the way it is with TV. Take also this "Sun, Sea and A&E" reality docu (5 February: Murder On The Dancefloor). There have been three articles about this programme in "The Bulletin" over the past week. Why, do you suppose? Because it's news? I doubt it. Seems more like PR for the show, and moreover, if it has not received criticism for being patronising, then it should have; patronising because the message that has come out of the programme is that Mallorca has good health facilities - as if this should come as a big surprise. This is Mallorca, not some basket case bit of African jungle.

All these shows may, in some respects, be beneficial for Mallorca, but please don't let's be naïve in thinking that they exist just as a way of promoting the island.


Following on from yesterday's item about Brussels and Balearic money and fire runs and so on, a local councillor from Palma has apparently been impressing upon European commissioners that were it to be the case that fire runs were outlawed then legal action would probably be taken to reverse this. As I said before, how to win friends and influence bureaucracts. Here we have a councillor making a sort of threat while at the same time many - some other 149 or so - compatriots are attempting to extract money from the same political entity. Here's a scenario, a dilemma and a question for you to consider: You are a Mallorcan politician, you go to Brussels as part of a delegation to try and obtain a whole bunch more funding from the European piggy-bank. The Euro-meisters say, "ok, we'll give you the money, so long as you agree to stop setting fire to your streets and to conducting fire runs, and to following - to the letter - the European directive on pyrotechnics". Do you, as a Mallorcan politician, accept this as a reasonable compromise, dismiss it as a form of bribery or demand the money and the continuation of the tradition?

It's most unlikely that this scenario would occur, but there does come a point where you can't have your cake and set fire to it, too, which is what the 150 who have marched on Brussels would presumably want.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Deep Purple (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WX_4FNoto4). Today's title - for years I thought the lyric meant that the sun shone onto the television set.

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Smoke On The Water, Fire In The Sky

The mayors' big away day. Look, I know it isn't that far - to Brussels, that is, when compared with, say, Australia - but who actually has coughed up for 40 mayors to turn up in the Belgian capital in order to harangue the European authorities into divvying up more dosh for the Balearics and into not stopping fire runs as part of a directive against pyrotechnics? If they have all paid out of their own pockets, then my apologies for the following, but I somewhat doubt it. How many mayors are needed to change a light bulb, or in this instance to change the level of funding? And to the mayors you can add various other politicians, businesspeople, artists, union representatives - 150 in all. One hundred and fifty! What on earth for? If you are going to argue a case for more funding, you should be a bit careful someone doesn't turn round and ask if some of the current funding is finding its way to pay for 150 people to come to Brussels for a couple of nights in a decent hotel plus flights and some nosebag. Furthermore, if a sizeable chunk of the Mallorcan and Balearic political population can piss off to Belgium on a midweek jolly, does this perhaps suggest that they don't really have enough to occupy them when back on the islands? I say to Brussels - keep your money and tell the mayors to get back and do a decent day's work.

Now, I don't know if one of the 40 was Pollensa's normally under-fire mayor, but had Joan Cerdà gone off for a day or two's respite from the normal attacks he is subjected to, one could have understood it. There is more trouble brewing, one suspects, in Puerto Pollensa. This time, it's the relocation of boat maintenance workshops, by which are meant - I think - the likes of Astilleros Cabanellas (there is in the report a reference also to Boquer, which seems a bit odd, given where it is, but there you go). There are, according to "The Bulletin", two options for siting the workshops, and I'm afraid I don't understand either of them; well, I don't understand the descriptions. One, it says, is a plot of land "on the left of the road running down to the wharf ... on the Gotmar country estate". The other is to the right of the new ring road, apparently. Anyone help here, because I've no idea. I know that not all work needs to be carried out in water, but I can't figure out whether these options are by the water or indeed where they are. But of course, the very mention of Gotmar will probably have the radicals of that part of Puerto Pollensa back on the trail of his mayorship. Things have gone rather quiet on that front. Too quiet, I'd say, if I were the mayor. Watch out! If he happens to be out of the country, it could be the moment for a coup d'état!


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Pet Shop Boys, "West End Girls" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAHfoIfo_7A). Today's title - how can you not know this?

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I'm A Walkie Talkie Toy

Right, what I was saying a couple of days ago about Brussels banning fire runs and the like appears to be in the form of a rule, or "norma" to give it the Spanish or Catalan word. This is not a Norma Major (ho, ho), which translates in Catalan as main rule - as I'm sure you all know - but a "norma europea de pirotecnia". I'm not sure exactly how Brussels intends to regulate, but it is safe to assume that it is going to do just that - regulate pyrotechnics, or fireworks to you and me. The directive, which is due to come into effect in 2010, is being challenged by various Mallorcan bodies which are expressing their displeasure: it would be an attack on the culture, it would harm tourism, blah, blah; all the usual stuff. As I have said before, if the Mallorcans wish to go around setting fire to themselves and their property, and indeed that of their neighbours, then they should be allowed to. Anyway, even if this so-called norma becomes the norm, chances of anyone here taking any notice of her would be slim. Local laws are generally ignored, so it is highly unlikely that Brussels would be able to impose its pyrotechnic decree. No political group on the island is going to support such a regulation for fear of being seen as anti-culture. The only other possibility is that, like they're replacing live animals with plastic ones in response to an encroaching animalist political correctness, perhaps they could have pretend fire - torches with plastic flames or in fact just torches, battery ones, that is. They could carry heaters around with them to give off the impression of warmth. The trouble is they would need some pretty long flexes, though, and I'm sure these would contravene every European directive going, so forget that.


The norm in Pollensa, when it comes to attacks on the poor old mayor, is that the "Alternative" takes to the press in order to publicise whatever it is the mayor has failed to do this week. The Alternative has, however, allowed another mob the opportunity of a spot in the media spotlight. So, rather than the United Left/Greens one-man and his dog, which is the Alternative, it is the turn of the Partido Popular and the Unió Mallorquina (UM) to have their say, which may seem slightly odd as the mayor is of course from the UM. But be that as it may. The latest rumpus is really an old rumpus, namely the shambles that is the port's public swimming-pool, the one that has been open, closed, open, closed, maybe open, will it open, was it ever open - anyway, that pool, the one that had the roof on the wrong way round.

There are, essentially, two things that one should know about Mallorcan life, apart from the fact that they can cock-up roofs on swimming-pools. One is the "denuncia"; the other is the licence. And very often the two go hand in hand. The denunica, which is usually a complaint to the police, does not have to be, as the word can mean complain without any plod involvement. So when "The Diario" says that the PP/UM group "ha denunciado", I don't think they have actually complained to the police; at least I assume they wouldn't be quite so silly as to do so even if - as is the case - there is no licence in place for "activities" at the pool and that there is also a problem with the reception, as in there doesn't appear to be any electricity - minor matter. In this particular instance, when they say there is no licence for "activities", what exactly do they mean? Is, for example, swimming an activity? I would have thought it probably was. If so, then what they mean is that there isn't a licence, period. Bit of an oversight, you might think. Anyway, according to the mayor, the pool will be opened next month; no, make that, re-opened - again. But don't hold your breath, unless you're under water, but you won't be because the pool's not open. And even if it were, chances are that they might have forgotten one important element - water.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - The Corrs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqeCuyJ458Y). Today - what has this title to do with today's piece? This is by the way of ancient television history, and it comes from the programme's song (though song is stretching the definition, it is fair to say).

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Friends Will Be Friends

Now, you know those fire runs and demonic bonfires; the ones that occur at mostly all fiestas but especially at the likes of Sant Antoni in January. Yes, you do know. And if you say you don't, you've obviously not been paying attention, so you can be damn grateful that I'm not going to give you a test on Alcúdia place names - as I threatened yesterday - but just don't let it happen again. Right, got that clear. The fire runs have cropped up on numerous occasions here, so you've got no excuse. And you've also no excuse for not knowing that I have suggested that running along streets with lighted torches and making bonfires on someone's door step might, just might, be a tad dangerous. And damn me, the European Union agrees with me. I should tell you, some time, about my one-time involvement with the European Union, in the form of the European Commission and its then special group to study the effects of electronic publishing, but that was years ago, so I won't bother, but suffice it to say that I, and our European masters, have form and some connections. And what a fine body of men, women and bureaucrats they are. So, anyway, the point is that Brussels is taking an interest in the fire runs. It doesn't seem to approve. How surprising. What it's going to do, and indeed what business it is of Brussels I'm not entirely sure. If Mallorcans wish to set fire to their houses and to themselves as part of their weekly piss-ups (sorry, fiestas) then let them. I'm certainly not going to stop them. Indeed, I will stand by and roar on my approval. More fire, more fire!!

However, there is a gloriously wonderful twist to this, and that is that the Balearic Government is holding its cap out for rather more Brussels moolah than it currently gets - about 35 million euros more of Brussels moolah, or an increase of some 200% plus. No small amount therefore. President Antich and his boys believe that the Balearics "has (sic) to meet costs no other isolated region in Europe faces". Or so says "The Bulletin". I think there might be a bit of a translation issue here as the Balearics aren't exactly isolated in the sense that, say, virtually uninhabited parts of northern Norway are, but that's another issue. I do, though, understand - sort of - what the government means. And what it means is that it wants more money. So say all of us, me especially. But, to come to the point, there are to be some Balearic Day celebrations in Brussels as part of this attempt to land a rather larger wedge of regional development funding. And these celebrations, less than diplomatically perhaps, are to include a fire run. What a brilliant idea. There is Brussels saying stop it, and the Balearic Government goes along to Brussels' own back garden and sets fire to it. How to win friends and influence bureaucrats. Actually, I am with Brussels. We're not going to give you 35 million euros so you can go and blow it all on making stupid demons' outfits and buying everyone family-sized packs of Standard fireworks.


I mentioned a couple of days ago that Top Gear is due to be filmed in Mallorca. As a slight coincidence, Clarkson has gone and got himself in the news for a different reason. Normally, I don't fall into the expat trap of believing that everything and anything back in Britain is worthy of comment (even if the comment was actually made in Australia), but I will make an exception simply because of the coincidence. If one studies what Clarkson said, one must ask, well, what is the fuss? "One-eyed?" Yes. "Scottish?" Apparently so. "Idiot?" Well, that's up to you to decide, but I fancy that some have used stronger insults for Gordon Brown, such as, of course, the sage of Santa Ponsa, Leapmeister Lee, who commonly refers to the PM as Herr Braun, thus, seemingly, affording him (Brown, that is), hilarious Nazi overtones. Ho, ho. Expect a future column from the Leapmeister to compare himself with Clarkson (rather than Littlejohn, which is his norm) and for him to point out that he, too, has called Brown a liar. The big difference, of course, is that no-one takes any notice.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Alicia Keys (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJiLcNQdye4). Today - big hair and big moustache.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Play With Fire

Devil time. Devil worship. Come to the sabbat, Satan's there. Er, no, actually he's not. Let's not get too carried away with dreadful occultist-style heavy metal from circa the late '60s and early '70s. It's not what I want to talk about anyway. What I do, is the fact that it is - once more - devil time in that it is Sant Antoni fiesta time, and the night of the demons and the witches (the actual night is that of the 16th). It's a fiesta time that has taken hold in much of the island. The other day I was at a printer with a business associate. The chat was in Mallorquín, but I got the drift. We were admiring a poster for a Sant Antoni night. I ventured that all the towns have a Sant Antoni now - Alcúdia, Pollensa, Muro, Sa Pobla, just to name four neighbouring towns. Not all, said the printer chappy, but many, he did admit. Nice for him. The printers of Mallorca seem to survive on fiesta literature.

One of the biggest, if not the biggest, Sant Antoni gig is that of Sa Pobla. Quite why Sa Pobla has assumed such a status I'm unsure. Maybe someone can enlighten me. But big-time devil time status it has got. The "Nit Bruixa" or "Noche Bruja" (witch night) has become that major a do that the police this year will be limiting the numbers entering the main square in the town. They will be manning all entrances, and when the square gets full they'll stop more people coming in. This is a rare display of local health and safety it seems to me. But more of that in a bit.

The Sa Pobla event has now also spawned its own sort of pre-gig rehearsal. On Saturday, there was a fire run. Either a rehearsal or they just couldn't wait - they were that excited. Mind you, having these rehearsals is becoming a Spanish thing. In Madrid, the celebrations for new year occurred not only on New Year's Eve but also on the night before. Will this be happening with other fiestas and celebrations? Can we expect, for instance, that the flotilla of boats and the fireworks of Sant Pere in Puerto Alcúdia will now take place on both the 28th and the 29th of June?

But to come back to that practice fire run and to health and safety. Many of you who are here in the summer might have been to a fire run during the fiesta weeks. Can Picafort has one, for example. They are a feature of many fiestas, as of course are the devils and the demons; just that at Sant Antoni, they go really overboard with the demons - and the fire. Especially in Sa Pobla, where they also endanger life by offering the local eel speciality. It is, though, hard to imagine that anything like the fire run could occur in the UK. Or anything like the fires in the streets of the towns. The police might now be worrying about too may people and some crushing, but few are concerned that there could be some third-degree burns. To be fair, they do issue warnings as to what to wear and what not to wear when the fire runs are on and when the demons are brandishing their torches about, but warnings would not be enough in the UK. No possible way. The whole thing would have been banned years ago. As also would have been the climb up the greasy pine tree in Pollensa.

When it comes to humans, there isn't quite the urge to get banning here as there is with animals (except for bulls of course). They can do something ridiculous, such as stopping the tossing of live ducks into the sea in Can Picafort, but they still let bulls be slaughtered and let humans dice with being burnt alive. Personally, I'm all for it. Not people being burnt alive, but the absence of the control freakery of a health-and-safety-ist mentality. However, were someone to be badly injured, I just wonder what would happen. I know full well what would happen in the UK. But here? It would be no good saying that there were warnings and advice as to what to wear and so on. A town hall puts on a do in which lit torches are waved around in front of thousands of people. Someone cops for some bad burns - or worse - and you're telling me that a competent compensation lawyer wouldn't hammer the relevant town hall. I hope it doesn't happen.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - REM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cWqC6WZ_0Y). Today's title - only a B-side, but still very well known. And they were (are)?

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