The Expatriate Island Sketch

First Expatriate: Today, we look at a vanishing race. A problem people who are fast disappearing off the face of Mallorca.

Second Expatriate: A race one might say who are losing a battle against more rigorous tax regulations.

Third Expatriate: They live in a sunshine paradise, a Mediterranean dream, where only reality is missing.

Fourth Expatriate: For this is Expatriate Island.

Fifth Expatriate: An island inhabited entirely by expatriate former property dealers and people called Ron who committed post office blags in Walthamstow*.

First Expatriate: The whole problem of Expatriate Island is here in a nutshell.

Second Expatriate: There are just too many expatriates.

Third Expatriate: The charity functions.

Fourth Expatriate: The golf club tie.

Fifth Expatriate: The practised voice of a karaoke singer.

First Expatriate: Cannot hide the basic tragedy here.

Second Expatriate: There just aren't enough rich expatriates left to fleece.

Third Expatriate: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and so you find them ...

Fourth Expatriate: ... being photographed at elegant events with consulate officials ...

Fifth Expatriate: ... sipping Mojitos ...

First Expatriate: ... and waiting for the inevitable demand for a charitable contribution.

Second Expatriate: I talked to the island's only Mallorcan, Senyor Pere.

Third Expatriate: Senyor Pere, why did you stay on in this expatriate fantasy-land where the clink of glasses at the yacht club bar mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where watersports and waves wash away the worries in this expatriate wonderland, where gin and tonics and glamour gyrate alongside gastronomic garnishes and of anything else that starts with a G or a J. Senyor Pere, why did you stay on here?

Senyor Pere: ¿Qué?

Fifth Expatriate: Well there you have it, a crumbling ...

First Expatriate: ... empire in the sun-drenched ...

Second Expatriate: ... Mediterranean, where the clichés about expatriate lifestyles ...

Third Expatriate: ... are sadly all too often accurate.

First Expatriate: And so ...

Fifth Expatriate: ... from Expatriate Island ...

First Expatriate: ... it's ...

Second Expatriate: ... fair ...

Third Expatriate: ... game and ...

Fourth Expatriate: ... bon ...

Fifth Expatriate: ... Nad ...

First Expatriate: ... al.


* Acknowledgement to J. Clarkson.





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