Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Club Allinclusivana

"Club Allinclusivana, drinks are free, fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone, all that's missing is the sea ..."

"This is the life, innit. Nothing to do for two weeks. All this sun. The pool. All the pizza and all the beer. Yep, I could get very used to this." "That Spanish stuff they had at breakfast, though, that was a bit odd. What did they call it'?" "Whatever it was it should have been called bread and butter without the butter. Oil. I mean, who's ever heard of putting oil on bread?" "It didn't taste of anything either. The bread, that is. It was rock hard and all. What was it called?" "Pam and Olly, or something like that. Bloody strange thing to call bread with no butter. It's not as though it's even Spanish, is it. Is it? Do you reckon there are people called Pam here?" "Might be. I thought they were all called like, oh what was his name? You know, years ago, he had a hit." "You're thinking of Julio Inglazier. You don't hear much about him now. Probably dead."

"How many pints have you had so far today?" "Erm, this'll be my sixth, but I'm not really counting and nor should you be. We're on holiday and it's free." "Six pints, though. It's only gone twelve as well." "What else do you want me to do? If it's there, I may as well drink it. Besides, it doesn't have much effect. I hardly feel pissed at all." "So long as you don't go not feeling pissed in the pool. It's got to go somewhere. You're not going to sweat it all out, even in this heat. Bloody hell, it's hot." "How do you know I haven't ... you know." "You haven't, have you? In the pool? Dirty bugger." "Could be worse." "Don't even think about it." "I couldn't anyway. There's no way you can shit that bread out. It's stuck forever somewhere it was that hard. Anyway, I reckon they water the beer down. Either that or Spanish beer is just all gnat's."

"Dad." "No, you can't have another ice-cream. How many have you had so far today?" "About eight." "Eight!" "Who's counting now? We're on holiday, don't forget." "Yea, but eight ice-creams. You'll be throwing up in the pool." "Don't give him any ideas, six-pinter." "I haven't eaten them all. Only tried them. I keep chucking 'em away when I've had a bit of one, so I've only really had about, erm, two." "Oh, well that's all right then. Where do you chuck 'em anyway?" "On the floor, over there, where all the other kids chuck 'em. The man told us to piss off when we ... " "Don't use that language." "He did." "Cheeky git, telling my son to piss off. Is he Spanish?" "I don't know." "Is he called Julio?" "I don't know."

"Dad, what's Spanish?" "What do you mean, what's Spanish?" "Well, what is it?" "It's someone from Spain. Your dad's just being especially thick today. Or it's those six pints?" "Have you had six pints, dad?" "No, I have not." "Don't lie to him. You know full well you have." "Look, just leave my pints out of this, will you. Our son is asking a question." "And you don't know the answer." "I do. It's like you said. Someone from Spain." "Are we in Spain, dad?" "How many more times do I have to tell you? We're in Majorca." "Oh. So, why are they Spanish then?" "Eh?" "If we're in Majorca, then we're not in Spain, so ... I don't understand." "Look, you explain to him." "Don't look at me, I don't know."

"Dad, is all of Majorca like here?" "If it's just one big pool and one big free beer tap, then it must be a great place. We should think about emigrating." "There are mountains though, aren't there. We saw some on the bus the other day. Can we go up the mountains, dad?" "What do you want to go up mountains for? You're on holiday. And that means the pool and free ice-creams. There's no pool up a mountain." "There might be. I mean, you see them on those holiday programmes, don't you. Mountains with lakes and what have you. There might be waterfalls and rivers and all that sort of stuff." "Waterfalls? Can we see the waterfalls, dad?" "Look, there's no waterfalls, your mum doesn't know what she's talking about."

"But dad, there's sea somewhere, isn't there. We saw it on the plane." "I've been telling you. It'll be miles away, son. You don't get all-inclusives right by the sea. There wouldn't be a lot of point." "I'm sure I heard someone say there was a beach nearby. Who was it? Oh yea, that stuck-up lot from where is it? You know the ones. The father hasn't got a tattoo." "It's miles away I'm telling you." "I know, here's that rep. I'll ask. Excuse me, love, can you tell me, is there a beach nearby?" "Yes, go out of reception, right then left, and it's about five minutes." "Five minutes? Is that all? How long have we been here? Six days, and you've been saying the beach is miles away." "Well, I thought it was."

"You know, I wonder what else is out there. Just nearby. Come on, put that pint down. We're going out." "Are we going to the waterfalls?" "I don't know, but we're going somewhere." "But it's all-inclusive. We can't go out. I mean, what about money?"

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Fantastic, oh so true and cringeworthy! How did it ever get to this..