Pets Need Holidays, Too

A.A.Gill once wrote of the actor Sam Neill that "he is about as far away from being an actor as it's possible to be and appear on the screen at the same time", from which one has to assume that Sam Neill isn't an actor at all. If he isn't, the question is: what is he?

I think I may have the answer, if only a temporary answer, for Sam Neill is, temporarily, a celebrity tourist. To Mallorca. It just happens that he will be pretending to be an actor while he is on the island. In a few days time, a friend of Sam Neill's will release a video on YouTube (57 views, 8 dislikes after a further few days) showing him and his fellow celebrity tourists doing some Mallorcan things, like boiling a whole goat in a large boiling thing and waiting for it to disintegrate.

Of these other celebrity tourists, one of them is familiar, albeit in a "now which one is he again" way. Despite his having a "ce" instead of an "s", I still manage to confuse Pierce Brosnan with Piers Morgan, which is not a pleasant confusion for anyone to be subjected to, least of all a one-time 007. Others in the Sam Neill party are unknown to me, though I fancy I should know them because they appear to be famous. More celebrity tourists.

It is difficult to tell genuine actors apart from celebrity tourists, especially if they aren't actors at all, like Sam Neill. There are no doubt critics other than A.A.Gill who would maintain that they are actors and actors alone, but when it comes to Mallorca, their sole function in setting foot on Mallorcan soil is far removed from acting. Or at least, this is how their presence is portrayed. Here a Tom Hanks, there a Pierce Brosnan, and it's all about how much they will do for tourism.

This latest group of celebrity tourists will be doing their best to promote Palma airport, where they will be filmed waiting for two hours in a queue for a hire car or having their wallets removed by a Bulgarian disguised in a baseball cap and a "Shagalluf, Lads On Tour 2012" t-shirt.

The way that these celebrity tourists could really help out is by initiating a new wave of tourism - that of celebrities with pets. As the Alternativa party wishes to turn Pollensa's beaches into Crufts, a whole new tourism business opportunity opens up. Does Bradley Wiggins have a dog? A greyhound perhaps that he could let loose on the Tamarells beach? Cameron? A Skye Terrier called Boris? It is a great shame that Barbara Cartland is no longer with us, as the old trout could drape herself across a sun lounger with a Pekinese. Mind you, the Pekinese aside, it would be hard to distinguish her from the rest of the old troutery.

Or forget the celebrities with pets, just have celebrity pets, as in animals which are notable actors, as notable as Sam Neill. "Here's Lassie arriving in Mallorca for two weeks of weeing on a beach in Cala San Vicente." "Rin Tin Tin loves nothing more than having a good howl along to the karaoke at his favourite Puerto Pollensa bar." "Pollensa's fame as a holiday destination for pets has spread as far as Australia. Skippy has announced that he will be bounding into the resort next summer."

Yep, celebrity tourists with celebrity pets. Just don't say anything to Sam Neill in case he goes and books some dinosaurs into a Pollensa hotel for a fortnight. 


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.