Pork Scratchings And Sardines: Carnival in Mallorca

"The Guardian", bless 'em, can always be relied upon, along with the rest of the quality British press, to present "top ten" lists of places which will cost you a small fortune to visit on the pretext of a bit of culture. Want Carnival? Why not try Uruguay? Of course. Rio is just so last year.

You could always slum it somewhere a bit closer to home. Cadiz or Tenerife, for instance. The latter is making a bid for its Santa Cruz carnival to become a World Heritage Site. I'm not sure how a carnival can be a site, as somewhat by definition it doesn't stay still, but be this as it may.

Or you could always opt for Mallorca. Well, you could, but it won't cut much ice over the dinner table when Gideon and Clarissa produce their iPhone with videos of the Oruro Carnival in Bolivia. (And no, I'd never heard of it either, until I eagerly looked at the recommendations in "The Guardian".)

Carnival in Mallorca is something of a Blue Peter make-do with your mum's old sheets and some face-paint affair compared with the Lady Gaga-meets-Elton John during his diva phase extravagance of Tenerife. Not surprisingly, it doesn't make the top ten.

The Mallorca carnival is carnival-lite. Which is not to say it doesn't have something going for it, but it is small beer of a fiesta compared with the full barrel of others. It may have something to do with fiesta overload from December and January (though probably not) or with the one-time ban that was placed on carnival by old misery guts. Franco reckoned that it was all a bit too much like fun and that the wearing of masks was a disguise for a spot of villainy.

Nevertheless, most towns celebrate carnival in some way or other. Usefully, for once, there is even some advance warning. Alcúdia, for instance, has announced that the fifth and sixth of March will be days of "an explosion of colour". Perhaps so, but there are explosions and then there are small bangs. Palma will be carnival-ing from 3 March (this year's "Dijous Llarder" - la-di-da, it's lardy day) to 9 March.

As with the small beer and the small bangs, there is also the small food fare on offer. Palma, so goes the blurb, will have the "famous ensaïmadas"; Alcúdia, the sobrassada. Sounds much like any other do, then. There is always the wacky tradition of burying a sardine, but the Mallorcans might for once take a leaf out of the slim volume that is British folk tradition and import the nearest thing there is in Britain to carnival, i.e. Pancake Day. Do they still do Pancake Day, by the way? Once upon a time, it was that big that it made the news on the telly; film of housewives with head scarves, curlers and pinnies racing through the mud with frying-pans. It was a time when news was much like Mallorca's, as in there wasn't any.

The Germans, strangely enough, could also teach the locals a thing or two when it comes to carnival. Being mad and having a sense of humour aren't quite the same thing, but what the Germans may lack in the comedy department, they make up for by being totally off their heads. Unaware of the strength of carnival in Germany, I once switched on the telly and was confronted with what looked like some parliamentary session or other that was being staged by Coco the Clown. After some minutes I realised it was a parliamentary session being staged by Coco. Not that this would work in Mallorca. The local politicians dressed up as clowns. How would you notice the difference from any other day?

There is also the German carnival tradition of women rummaging around in the kitchen drawers for a pair of scissors and then heading off to the local pubs and cutting off men's ties. I assume this to have some symbolism, though the precise symbol is not something I care to think too deeply about.

Though Mallorcan carnival may not be about to make top ten listings, it isn't without its moments. The "Rua" parades can be colourful, if not explosively so. Alcúdia promises a "permissive and burlesque party", a feature of which is the wearing of satirical masks representing well-known people, politicos in particular. It's those clowns after all. And there is of course meant to be some religious meaning to the whole deal, the last days ("els darrers dies") before Lent and the consequent abstinence from eating meat. Supposedly. So, along with the sobrassadas and the lardy ensaïmada, you can also tuck into the "coca de llardons". Pork scratchings cake.

You know, they really ought to consider the pancake.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.