The Same Procedure As Every Year: Mallorca in 2011

For reasons best known to them, the Germans (and indeed other nationalities) broadcast a short "comedy" featuring Freddie Frinton every year around Christmas or New Year times. "Dinner For One" is largely unknown to the Brits, probably because it isn't any good, but the so-called comedy, always shown in its original English, is so much part of German life that its catchphrase (and there isn't much dialogue otherwise) has passed into general usage. "The same procedure as every year."

The procedure is the same every year. The crystal ball is brought down from the loft, dusted and peered into. What does 2011 hold for Mallorca?

The odd natural disaster. Airplanes grounded. Moans about all-inclusives. That sort of thing. Pretty much like 2010 then? Same procedure as every year.

Some things you can predict quite easily, like the moaning. Come May, there will be talk of protests against all-inclusives. How do I know this? Because it happened last year and the year before. The same procedure as every year.

Less of a procedure than every year will be that all bars will close as a consequence not of the smoking ban, but because there is no football this year. Not even the rugby World Cup will compensate, especially as games will be kicking off at around eight or nine in the morning at the latest. And bars don't really do the rugby in the same way as football in any event. I was once in a bar watching an England match during a World Cup and the game was switched off. "No one's interested in it other than you," came the curt explanation. Some football match featuring Coventry City came on instead. Not even Coventry though will be able to save the bars from permanent closure in 2011.

There'll be a procedure that takes place once every four years, and that is the local elections. All the printers on the island will be log-jammed with churning out posters and literature, so all commercial life that requires printing will shut down in order that we can all be cajoled by the imperative to "Vota" this way or that, and which everyone - Brits, that is - will ignore. Same procedure as every local elections. Brit residents don't give a stuff. Most will not even be aware that they're taking place. Unless they want to get some printing done.

The same procedure as every four years will occur after the elections, in that most Brits will pay no attention to the fact that there may or may not be a new government and a new regional president. That the current one, Antich, may be eclipsed, along with other regional administrations of a socialist style will barely register with the Sky-watching, Sun-reading expatriate populace. They will similarly fail to acknowledge that the national president, Zapatero, might be forced into resignation as a result. Or acknowledge that the Spanish economy will be plunged into ever greater uncertainty or turmoil as a consequence.

The same procedure as 2010 will be, some might hope, the further spiralling out of control of the euro. "The Daily Telegraph", which not be said to be entirely neutral in matters European, runs regular predictions as to the collapse of the euro, and this collapse could acclerate in 2011.

I have to thank my old friend David Novi, who writes about property matters, for drawing attention to a "Telegraph" article which reckons that sterling will be the best-performing major currency next year. Not the same procedure as every year therefore. And, if it proves to be true, some good news. Strengthening pound, Brit tourists and property buyers flocking back to Mallorca.

President Antich believes it will be a different procedure this year, with tourism increasing, thanks to improved economic outlooks in Germany and in the UK. In the UK? Does he read the papers? Maybe his prediction will prove to be right if the strengthening pound proves to also be right, but whether he's around to welcome the tourists off the plane is another matter. More likely, there will be the new president, the gaffe-prone Bauzá of the Partido Popular, to offer his remarkable insights into tourism. This is the man who said that the Baltic states are a competitive threat to Mallorca's tourism. And he might be president? God help us.

Otherwise, it will be the same procedure as every year. The fiestas will come around with the same programmes as usual, there will be warnings that there may or may not be a jellyfish plague, there will be talk of summer temperatures being slightly hotter or slightly cooler than normal, everyone in Puerto Pollensa will complain about dog mess, there will be letters to the press complaining about the price of car rental, a cup of coffee and paracetamol. Yep, the same procedure as every year. In a world of change, there is nowhere that remains as unchanging as Mallorca.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.