Party Hats With The Coloured Tips: Cati and Guillermo

"Guapa," she said, pointing to the front-page photo. Eagerly I parted with the euro that secured my souvenir "Bulletin" with its front page of the happy couple and hurried home in order to frame it and place it alongside other treasured royalist memorabilia - the Prince Edward gundog-smiting walking stick and the Queen Mum gin bottle.

"Guapa?" Hmm, maybe. Kate seems unfortunately to be growing to resemble one of those crazed women of the American right - plenty of teeth, big-hair-lite and light in other departments quite possibly. Who was the bloke with her? Cheesy grin and balding. Ah yes, him. You know you're getting old when you can remember the footage of Wills' first day at posh prep.

It must be something to do with the fact that the Spanish are to blame for "Hello", all air-head celebrity, yachts and pink living-rooms with pink old dames in the mode of Barbara Cartland, were she still with us. This and their having their own royals. The Spanish José Public is already gripped with wedding fever; the Spanish media by Lady Di comparisons and the relative claims on guapa-ness between Diana, Kate and Spain's own Letizia.

There is a curious protocol within the Spanish media that makes the British royals Spanish. For the time being, Kate remains Kate. She's not been Catalina-ised or Cati-ed. Yet. The rest of the "firm" has been Spanished. William is not William. He is Guillermo. The old man is Carlos, grandma is Isabel and, most bizarrely of all, little bro' is Enrique. Why do they do this? It's not as if the British press turn the Spanish king into a one-time Leeds United and Welsh centre-half-cum-centre-forward: John Charles. There again, there is the obstinate British media refusal to recognise that Zapatero is a president. Has to be something about republics versus democratic monarchies. At least I have always presumed this to be the reason for Zapatero being a prime minister in British eyes.

I don't know if Zapatero has sent his best wishes to the happy couple, but he'll probably be schmoozing up to Dave at the next EU shindig in the hope of an invite. But would he pass the Dave royal test? Unlikely that he's the sort who would have camped out overnight in order to be first to lob some royal confetti. I knew there was a reason for thinking that Dave was a dork, and now I know what it is.

But one imagines that Felipe and Letizia will already have their names being inscribed onto the seating plan, thus sending the Spanish media into a frenzy of further Kate comparisons. Our princess is better than your princess sort of thing. In fact something of the sort had already started before the great announcement, the Italian paper "La Repubblica" having put the cat among the royal pigeons by suggesting that Letizia was heading Di-wards. Marriage not as good as we thought. Looking rather thin and bored. To the rescue has come the King's sister who has declared that Letizia is better than Di and a whole lot smarter. Which wouldn't be difficult.

To be fair, Letizia is a whole lot smarter. She did a proper day's work for a kick off, unlike Diana, unless you count her time at the nursery school when the kids were teaching her the times table. Now though we have Kate to add to the mix, and the question as to whether she has actually had a proper job or not.

Mercifully though, the Spanish press is not totally sycophantic when it comes to the royals, other countries' royals that is. One "sketch" of the Kate-Wills declaration to the world suggested that all that was missing was Lord Reg of Pinner in the corner playing the piano. What would he have been performing though? "Don't Go Breaking My Heart", "Sacrifice" or "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting"? The latter perhaps. One thing the Spanish press hasn't cottoned onto is the possibility of the honeymoon being in Magalluf.

Were Mallorca to be the location for the couple's "luna de miel", it's more likely they would be handed the keys of Marivent or accompany Felipe and Letizia on the royal yacht and water in Portals, that oasis of Mallorcan authenticity according to Louise Redknapp. But if not the honeymoon, then what about the stag do? Presuming that Harry - sorry Enrique - gets the best man gig, then Maga could well be on the cards. A spot of balcony diving, a night out at Benny Hills and then onto BCM to rub shoulders with Frank Lampard in the VIP lounge. And party supplies courtesy of the Middletons' company - balloons with the featherlight touch and party poppers that pop in the night.

But sadly, this is likely to only be a dream. Kate and Wills will honeymoon somewhere else, the Spanish press in tow with their long-range zooms along with the rest of the world's media. Yes, we have all of this to look forward to. And even if there is to be no Mallorcan honeymoon or stag do, we can also look forward to little bits of Britain come the great day. Street parties, Union Jacks, God Save The Queen and party hats with the coloured tips. But so much for what the Spanish will be organising, what about the Brits?


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.