In One Piece: Crossing the road

Why did the tourist cross the road?

It's a stupid question. Everyone knows the answer of course. In order to collect the lilo that he'd let go of and which was caught on a strong breeze and caused a cyclist to veer off the road and knock a pedestrian over.

You can play a version of Kipling's Six Wise Men as a tourist road-crossing game. You can't do "what did the tourist cross the road?", because this doesn't make sense unless you add a preposition such as "on", meaning that answers might be: "the tourist crossed the road on one of those ridiculous trike things"; "the tourist crossed the road on his hands and knees, having got lagered-up and staggered out of the bar and fallen over".

It's the same with "who". You can only do this if you append "with". But "when", "how" and "where" all work without the aid of prepositions, and of these, it is the how and where that are the keys to the road-crossing game.

Where did the tourist cross the road? Anywhere you like, so long, usually, as it's not a recognised crossing-point, but preferably about five metres to either side of one. But in the event that a pedestrian crossing is actually used, you get to the really interesting part of the game. How did the tourist cross the road?

But let's start a bit closer to home, and not necessarily with tourists. With the Spanish.

The Spanish don't so much cross the road as enter into negotiations with it. Or this is how it appears, given the length of time it takes, a period that can be extended considerably when they stop in mid-cross to gesticulate frantically while rabbiting into a mobile which invariably they will be using. The Spanish saunter across the road. All the time in the world. But what about the car-driver?

It is a pretty big assumption, admittedly, but let's assume a car has stopped to let some Spanish cross. Is there any recognition of the fact? Nope. The car and its driver are invisible. On what we might call our Driver Acknowledgement Rating (DAR), the Spanish score "nul points".

How do the Germans cross the road? In formation, generally speaking. The crossing of the road is conducted with efficiency and organisation. The sole purpose is to get to the other side. There are no frills, no loitering but also not huge amounts of driver acknowledgement, other than to stare (which is what Germans do anyway) at either the driver or the car and to be unimpressed if it isn't a BMW or Mercedes. The German DAR? Five points.

How do the British cross the road? Now you're talking serious road-crossing etiquette. The British are eternally grateful for the fact that the driver hasn't catapulted them ten feet into the air or are grovellingly apologetic at having inconvenienced the driver by having made him stop. There is no ambling where the British are concerned. They cross at speed, waving furiously in thanks and smiling sheepishly. Woe betide a small child who hasn't quite got the hang of the game and has to be tugged vigorously to the safety of the pavement, while a mother or father grins at the driver in an expression of further apology. The British DAR? Ten points.

There is one other aspect to "how did the tourist cross the road". And that is the pre-cross. Given that no one, either pedestrian or driver, really has any clue as to what the actual rules are as to whether a car will stop or not, when a car does stop, the British and German tourist enters into a phase that might be referred to as the "after you, Claude" or the "hokey-cokey" routine. One foot off (the kerb), one foot back. They should take a leaf out of the Spanish book which is to completely ignore the fact that a car might be bearing down on a crossing. They go anyway, without looking. Albeit slowly.

Yes, the tourist road-crossing game. Fun for all the family, whether crossing the road or watching from a car. See how many different nationalities you can identify from the way in which a road is crossed. But finally, when it comes to "how did the tourist cross the road", the answer should always hopefully be - "in one piece".


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.