The Adventures Of Alice In Mallorcaland

Alice was sitting by the canal's edge in a dingy English town. It was drizzling, as it always seemed to be drizzling. Alice was day-dreaming. Of a summer away from the greyness of her unremarkable town. Of a place far away, where the sun always shines, where the drink is cheap and the boys are plentiful.

Suddenly, she was jolted from her thoughts by the strange sight of a White Rabbit. Was it Comic Relief, wondered Alice. She followed the White Rabbit who was muttering to himself: "Oh dear, oh dear, I shall be too late". "What shall you be too late for, Rabbit?" asked Alice. "The plane of course. The plane." And with this, the White Rabbit disappeared into a travel agency into which Alice also ventured, only to find herself falling, falling, gliding and then touching down. Touching down where?

Alice looked around. She could see a small terrace and a sign that said "Drink Me". Wicked, thought Alice. A Red Bull with a cough medicine and vodka mix. She became first very small; small enough to pass through the keyhole and then very large.

"You're a big girl," said the Mat Hatter. "There's no room, no room for you here."

"There's plenty of room," replied Alice. "Who are you, anyway?"

"Maybe he's he or maybe he's not he. But he is from Luton," declared the March Hare.

"Why are you talking in riddles?" inquired Alice.

"We always talk in riddles. We talk complete gibberish. All the time." And the March Hare started to cackle a lunatic cackle.

"You're mad," said Alice.

"Not as mad as the Mad Hatter. He's from Luton."

"Why is he here? Why are you here?" asked Alice.

"We've no idea. Have some wine."

"There isn't any wine."

"Then have some tea," said the March Hare. "It's always tea time. We sit around all day and it's always tea time. Time for tea. Time for tea."

"Is this all you ever do?" Alice wanted to know.

"Sometimes we get up. Sometimes we sit down. Sometimes we come here. Sometimes we go there. There's always time for tea."

"Who's that you're resting your feet on?"

"That's the Doormat. We slag him off all day. Oh, that's what else we do." And the March Hare and the Mad Hatter cackled together.

"You might just as well say that you run me down when I'm here as I'm there when you run me down," murmured the Doormat.

"Now he's talking in riddles as well!"

"Yes, rubbish. That's what we do."

"I've had enough of this," said Alice. "This place is so, like, oh my God, total pants. No wine. I'm off to The Queen of Hearts. To look for a job. And I will, unlike you, do something."

"Do something!? Do something!? Off with her head! She's off her head."


Next time: Alice finds herself at the Croquet and Golf Ground where there are more strange characters not doing anything.


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