But I Could Have Told You, Vincent

Location-wise, Euro 2008 may have all the tweeness of a "Heidi" novel, the starchy haughtiness and death-by-cake of a Viennese coffee house or the Edelweiss-ing schlock of a Von Trapp family climbing every mountain to escape into Switzerland, but many a European tribe has wisely chosen to give a wide berth to being woken at five in the morning by an Ermintrude clangling her bell outside an Alpine chalet. They have eschewed the über-cleanliness, the cuckoo clock and the waltz in favour of savouring the moment of defeat or perhaps even victory in the altogether less refined surroundings of a Mallorcan bar.

A glance at the list of participating countries finds that a goodly dozen provide succour to the Mallorcan tourism industry. Only the Croats, the Greeks, the Turks and the Romanians fail to register on the tour operators' coach-transfer itineraries, though the Romanians have pitched up in the guise of hordes of itinerant workers or those banned from computer shops.

But amongst the various nations who will be represented in Mallorca during Euro 2008, special word should be reserved for the Poles who, though relative newcomers to the Premier League of the island's tourism, have begun a process of tourism-land annexation of which their neighbours (those of the G-country) would be proud. And moreover, they are colonising not discarded and unwanted parts in the vicinity of The Mile but the genteel place that time forgot, Cala San Vicente. Yes, the Cala is now officially part of Poland, and I know this thanks to my mole all things Cala St. Vince, Tomas from Marinas. Given that he has a bar opposite, I suppose he does have a bit of an angle on the whole deal, but, in the wake of the Don Pedro having been all-inclusivised for some years now and also stubbornly refusing to be demolished, the Simar, also arming the wrists of its clientele with the stigma of the wristband, has been taken over by Poles. Which is not to say that the Poles should not have taken it over, but is to say or rather ask - are they expected to drive their own buses and kit out their own bathrooms? Tempting though it might be to suggest that hotels provide them with flat-packs and some items of porcelain from the local B&Q equivalent and then set them to work, this would of course mean succumbing to stereotyping - as in all Poles drive buses or are plumbers. And that would never do.

Yet having arrived in Cala St. Vince, our Polish friends will not be frequenting that Mallorcan bar to watch and suffer further defeat at the feet of the Germans. They will not because they are all-inclusive. It matters not from where the tourist comes or not that that tourist has barely a euro, a pound or zloty to rub between them, as all-inclusive places no premium on a well-stocked wallet. And talking of feet, if Cala St. Vince had any, it might well be argued that the mini-resort that it is would be dying on them. Here is a place that should be ringfenced with all-exclusivity and not fencing off part of its hotel stock and clientele into all-inclusivity. One might be able to make an argument that justifies all-inclusives in a place as widespread and large (in relative terms) as Puerto Alcúdia, but in St. Vince it cannot make any sense; indeed I would suggest that it borders on the irresponsible. Which is in no way to deny the Polish their place in the Mallorcan sun; just that it would be nice, were there much sun at the moment, for them to be enjoying it by packing the local bars and eateries while supporting the national team.


QUIZ
Chain - King Crimson (Greg Lake), The Nice (Keith Emerson), therefore Emerson Lake and Palmer. And what other "super group (?)" came out of ELP? Yesterday's title - Half Man Half Biscuit (see this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na12OyJEgJ8). Today's title - who?

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