The mobile rang three times. A four-figure number. Some sort of spam call, I thought. After the third time of calling and ignoring it, I thought again. Erm, maybe it was Telefonica. I had, after all, been asked to take a call from them.
The German neighbours. Needed to sort out a line and internet and all that. Could Telefonica call me so that I could pass on some info? Yes. But don't Telefonica have a German helpline? Yes. But it's not so easy. It never is, to be honest. Just having a German mobile probably doesn't make it any easier. Nor does Telefonica ringing Germany, to a relative, the one who had set this all in motion in the first place.
I do hope you're following all this, because I got lost with it well before the four-figure number started appearing on my mobile. When the number rang again, I relented, and answered. Half fearing not hearing anything - in good spam style - I was relieved when a voice started speaking - in German. Do I speak German, came the question. A bit, I responded, clearly unconvincingly. I can do German, but over a phone I would rather not. "English?" This was more like it. I didn't venture to suggest Spanish, and so waited to be transferred.
What I had thought they wanted to know, in order to get the neighbours kitted out in a Telefonica style, seemed straightforward enough. Confirmation of address, tax number, bank details. We never got past the address. Indeed, it took an inordinate length of time to do the first of these - the address.
"I can't find it," said the Telefonica-ist. The address, that is. So I repeated it. Twice more, once in Catalan. No, still couldn't find it. The street, it was suggested, was in Cala Ratjada. No, I responded, it is in Playa de Muro. There may be a street with the same name in Cala Ratjada, but there is definitely one in Playa de Muro. I am now standing on it, I explained, having walked for some distance while waving my arm around in good Spanish fashion while using a mobile. "This is your street?" asked the Telefonica-ist. "No, no, it's not my street. I just live next to it." "Next to it? Can you give me the number?" "A number? What of? A telephone, or a house?" "Which is your house?" "Sorry, what do you mean, which is my house?" "Your house is in the same street." "No, my house is in a different street." "It's next to the house where you want the phone line." "No, it's not next exactly. Near. And it's not me who wants the line. It's the neighbours, the ones you have the name for." "Oh. But can you give me your address?" "Why do you want my address? I'm not the one who wants the line." "It's not for you?" "No, no, it's for the neighbours. The ones you have the name for." "Ah yes. Can you give me the name of the street?" "I've given you the name of the street, but here it is again." "Sorry, I can't find the street." "You can't find it! It's been here for... for at least 40 years." "Can you spell it?" "Yes, I can spell it, thank you." "Oh, I still can't find it. Maybe if you tell me the name of the street in Catalan?" "I told you that before, but ok. Here it is." "Ah, ok, now I've found it." "Good. Do you want the other information? The bank details?" "No, we'll ring in a couple of days."
God forbid.
QUIZ -
Yep, it's back. "He's On The Phone"? If you don't know, then guess one of this blog's regulars, the very great ...
Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.
Showing posts with label Telefonica. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Telefonica. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, February 06, 2009
You Don't Know My Name
Having several languages to contend with makes life confusing enough without there being the additional palaver which is trying to make sense of the names of different parts of towns, some of which come in different languages as well. Let's take Alcúdia as an example shall we. Yesterday, I was studying the telephone directory, as you do, and I realised that, for the purposes of Telefonica at any rate, Alcúdia, though in population terms barely 17,000 strong, boasts sufficient parts that there is one part per head of population. Well, that is a slight exaggeration, but there do appear to be vast numbers of them, and they don't necessarily conform with other classifications.
As far as Telefonica is concerned, these are the different parts of Alcúdia - and pay attention because you're likely to be tested on this at some stage - La Marina, Camp de Mar, Barcares, Morer Vermell, El Mal Pas, Bon Aire, Ca S'Angles, Port d'Alcúdia, Albufera, Son Fe and, of course, Alcúdia. There is also a sort of subordinate and frankly completely unnecessary section to the directory which is for Es Port d'Alcúdia; unnecessary because it's already appeared under Alcúdia.
Then there is, as an alternative source of local place namery, the map book of the "pueblos" of Mallorca. For Alcúdia, this lists Sa Marina, Camp de Mar, Barcares, Morer Vermell, Manresa, Mal Pas, Bonaire, Ca S'Angles, Alcanada, Port d'Alcúdia, Lago Menor, Lago Esperanza, Platja d'Alcúdia and Alcúdia.
I hope you're following all this. What one can establish, on an admittedly smallish survey, is that there are parts of Alcúdia, for which there appears to be some agreement as to some names. Minor differences may occur thanks (or rather not thanks) to the application of Mallorquín - as in Sa as opposed to La Marina. At least to the north of the town, there is a degree of harmony, even if no-one knows where these places start and finish. Camp de Mar, from what I can make out, is the same as Barcares, and why Telefonica ignores Manresa I'm not sure; alternatively, one might ask why it bothers to refer to so many places that occupy the same small acreage of land. Then there are parts that one simply didn't know existed. Go on, how many of you knew of Ca S'Angles and Son Fe? I still don't know where Son Fe is, though I'm guessing it's the road out of Alcúdia going towards the motorway. Ca S'Angles is as you go towards Barcares from the old town. There, you can amaze your friends with your new-found and utterly useless knowledge.
But when we get into what is generically known as Puerto Alcúdia or Port d'Alcúdia, to use the Catalan, the fun really starts. For Telefonica, the whole of the area from the Magic roundabout to the Muro boundary is Albufera. How many of you living in that area know that? Given that Albufera is not even in Alcúdia, this is quite an achievement. To be fair, Albufera used to be. All of what is now The Mile and Magic was once Albufera, but hasn't been for a fair old while now. Not that this stops Telefonica. The alternatives are the names of the lakes or Platja d'Alcúdia (Alcúdia Beach), though one is also likely to encounter Bahía d'Alcúdia (Alcúdia Bay).
Although all the little parts to the north of the old town manage to get named, in the Telefonica classification there is no place for Alcanada; it is Port d'Alcúdia. Alcanada doesn't exist, which may be why some residents there have problems getting broadband.
As with many things here, there is no one defining reference. It's a bit like the law. You just take the bit you fancy and apply that. Someone once asked what the area off Avenida Pedro Mas y Reus was called. He needed to know, so he thought, as he was looking to rent a villa in that area. Rather foolishly, he thought that all websites, maps etc. might conform to a singularity of place names. Not so, of course. As anyone can tell you, Pedro Mas y Reus has many names, some of them even official. The town hall would generally call it Ciudad Blanca, but how many others do? The lack of agreement or knowledge is what gives rise to places and areas adopting unofficial names - like Bellevue or Magic to describe areas. They may be unofficial, but they are more accurate and more relevant. Albufera certainly isn't.
A haven for writers
The Balearic Government has apparently supported a motion which would make the islands a sort of safe haven for writers who are persecuted for what they write in other countries. This is fascinating. Why? Because the Balearics are part of Spain, and Spain is not without a streak of censoriousness. Take the rip out of the King and the Royal Family and you could find yourself up before the local beak. Some of you may remember the case of the cartoon that took the piss out of the King's son and his wife, and resulted in a fine and a right old fuss about whether it was correct to prosecute or to apply a limit to the freedom of the press. I wonder, therefore, if a writer who had offended royalty in another country, would be extended the safety of the haven of the Balearics.
More bargains!!!
Some might maintain that the property market in Mallorca has not really been affected by the slight economic difficulty and that prices have not tumbled. These some are talking bollocks - generally speaking. I know people who, for different reasons, are very keen to shift their properties, be it because they have to (repayment problems) or because they need to return to the UK, or some such equivalent, non-financial reason. I know, therefore, of - for example - a house in Puerto Alcúdia. Very nice. Bungalow-style. Three bedrooms. Was on the market originally for 450,000 euros. How much now? 300 grand. That, I'm telling you, is one hell of a bargain. Anyone who's interested, just email me and I'll put you in touch.
QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Sophie Ellis Bextor (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_Nsi05HkXw). Today - US female R&B-soul singer.
(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)
As far as Telefonica is concerned, these are the different parts of Alcúdia - and pay attention because you're likely to be tested on this at some stage - La Marina, Camp de Mar, Barcares, Morer Vermell, El Mal Pas, Bon Aire, Ca S'Angles, Port d'Alcúdia, Albufera, Son Fe and, of course, Alcúdia. There is also a sort of subordinate and frankly completely unnecessary section to the directory which is for Es Port d'Alcúdia; unnecessary because it's already appeared under Alcúdia.
Then there is, as an alternative source of local place namery, the map book of the "pueblos" of Mallorca. For Alcúdia, this lists Sa Marina, Camp de Mar, Barcares, Morer Vermell, Manresa, Mal Pas, Bonaire, Ca S'Angles, Alcanada, Port d'Alcúdia, Lago Menor, Lago Esperanza, Platja d'Alcúdia and Alcúdia.
I hope you're following all this. What one can establish, on an admittedly smallish survey, is that there are parts of Alcúdia, for which there appears to be some agreement as to some names. Minor differences may occur thanks (or rather not thanks) to the application of Mallorquín - as in Sa as opposed to La Marina. At least to the north of the town, there is a degree of harmony, even if no-one knows where these places start and finish. Camp de Mar, from what I can make out, is the same as Barcares, and why Telefonica ignores Manresa I'm not sure; alternatively, one might ask why it bothers to refer to so many places that occupy the same small acreage of land. Then there are parts that one simply didn't know existed. Go on, how many of you knew of Ca S'Angles and Son Fe? I still don't know where Son Fe is, though I'm guessing it's the road out of Alcúdia going towards the motorway. Ca S'Angles is as you go towards Barcares from the old town. There, you can amaze your friends with your new-found and utterly useless knowledge.
But when we get into what is generically known as Puerto Alcúdia or Port d'Alcúdia, to use the Catalan, the fun really starts. For Telefonica, the whole of the area from the Magic roundabout to the Muro boundary is Albufera. How many of you living in that area know that? Given that Albufera is not even in Alcúdia, this is quite an achievement. To be fair, Albufera used to be. All of what is now The Mile and Magic was once Albufera, but hasn't been for a fair old while now. Not that this stops Telefonica. The alternatives are the names of the lakes or Platja d'Alcúdia (Alcúdia Beach), though one is also likely to encounter Bahía d'Alcúdia (Alcúdia Bay).
Although all the little parts to the north of the old town manage to get named, in the Telefonica classification there is no place for Alcanada; it is Port d'Alcúdia. Alcanada doesn't exist, which may be why some residents there have problems getting broadband.
As with many things here, there is no one defining reference. It's a bit like the law. You just take the bit you fancy and apply that. Someone once asked what the area off Avenida Pedro Mas y Reus was called. He needed to know, so he thought, as he was looking to rent a villa in that area. Rather foolishly, he thought that all websites, maps etc. might conform to a singularity of place names. Not so, of course. As anyone can tell you, Pedro Mas y Reus has many names, some of them even official. The town hall would generally call it Ciudad Blanca, but how many others do? The lack of agreement or knowledge is what gives rise to places and areas adopting unofficial names - like Bellevue or Magic to describe areas. They may be unofficial, but they are more accurate and more relevant. Albufera certainly isn't.
A haven for writers
The Balearic Government has apparently supported a motion which would make the islands a sort of safe haven for writers who are persecuted for what they write in other countries. This is fascinating. Why? Because the Balearics are part of Spain, and Spain is not without a streak of censoriousness. Take the rip out of the King and the Royal Family and you could find yourself up before the local beak. Some of you may remember the case of the cartoon that took the piss out of the King's son and his wife, and resulted in a fine and a right old fuss about whether it was correct to prosecute or to apply a limit to the freedom of the press. I wonder, therefore, if a writer who had offended royalty in another country, would be extended the safety of the haven of the Balearics.
More bargains!!!
Some might maintain that the property market in Mallorca has not really been affected by the slight economic difficulty and that prices have not tumbled. These some are talking bollocks - generally speaking. I know people who, for different reasons, are very keen to shift their properties, be it because they have to (repayment problems) or because they need to return to the UK, or some such equivalent, non-financial reason. I know, therefore, of - for example - a house in Puerto Alcúdia. Very nice. Bungalow-style. Three bedrooms. Was on the market originally for 450,000 euros. How much now? 300 grand. That, I'm telling you, is one hell of a bargain. Anyone who's interested, just email me and I'll put you in touch.
QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Sophie Ellis Bextor (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_Nsi05HkXw). Today - US female R&B-soul singer.
(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Telephone Line
1485. Some of you will recall that I lay claim to being a history scholar. Scholar is perhaps an over-exaggeration, but one I can live with. As a result though, show me certain numbers in combination and I am likely to be suddenly transformed into a weird beard with leather-patched sports jackets, i.e. a history tutor. 1485? Come on, you must know it as well. Kingdom for a horse and all that. Yes, you know it, of course you do. War of the Roses - Battle of Bosworth Field, 22 August 1485 to be precise, and Richard III begging for a horse while his crown hung on a thorn bush, or so said a certain playwright. 1485. It was also the year of birth of the unfortunate Catherine, she of Aragon and later the first missus of the lunatic Henry VIII. Well, I have to give some sort of a Spanish twist, do I not? There is another Spanish twist. 1485. The war of the mobile phone companies. How many times have I received a call from 1485 in the past week or so? I contacted Vodafone. Not because I hadn't anything better to do, but because they are the ones to whom I pay good money for the privilege of some twat pestering me with calls I don't want. "I've been getting this call from 1485," says I. "1485? Must be costing the caller a fortune." (Actually, they didn't say that.) "Do you know who it is?" asks I. "Is it a scam, a hack or what?" "None of them," comes the reply. "It's Movistar," they say with the hint of a laugh. "Marketing", they add; marketing being a word the Spanish (and not just the Spanish) tend to use, erroneously, to mean selling. "Movistar!?" "Movistar," they repeat.
For those of you who don't know, Movistar is the mobile wing of Telefonica, the national phone company. Movistar is making unsolicited calls to my mobile and to many others, if what I'm now seeing on the internet is anything to go by. There are many here who will have nothing to do with anything that is vaguely to do with Telefonica, and that includes Movistar. I am not one of them. I don't get upset by all-powerful organisations, though there are those, including the European Commission, who do: Telefonica is not unfamiliar with huge fines for uncompetitive, anti-trust activity. But I don't want them being a damn nuisance and calling my mobile with their automated system that repeats its call after half an hour, every day, when you don't bother answering, which is every time the number rings. Consequently, and very politely, do you mind sodding off?
There are many gifts that keep on giving here, as in being basically daft and continuing to be so. One such is, of course, the gloriously ridiculous projected golf course in Playa de Muro. My, what fun it has given us over the months and now years. What will we all do when they've actually built the damn thing? Not play golf on it, that's for sure. Anyway, as noted recently, Muro has managed to publicise the course as an attraction, despite it still being no more than a series of bunkers on an architect's plan and the winsome look of an endangered species on an environmentalist's sentimental propaganda. Mere bagatelle, implies the mayor, when it is pointed out that the course has neither been built nor fully approved. Bagatelle. Now that's a game where small balls are struck into numbered holes, is it not? A bit like golf, and just as pointless, or certainly just as pointless as the course in Muro.
One of the many problems for the golf course is that there is an apparently endless supply of environmentalists who emerge from the undergrowth and are willing to keep the whole debacle being debated. Step forth, therefore, the advisors on flora and fauna to the Balearic Government's environment department. They reckon that not enough is being done to protect the rare orchid on the Son Bosc finca; the rare orchid that has been the main subject of the environmental objection to the conversion of the finca. Now, given that this orchid is so rare and apparently so damn important, might it not have been an idea to ask these advisors before? Maybe. However, even had they been, what they have to say is not "binding". In other words, it doesn't count. So, why did they bother asking them? The point is that the course design has already been changed to accommodate this orchid. The eighth hole has been shifted as, originally, it would have meant some high handicappers trampling through the rough and hacking the orchid to pieces as they tried to get back on the fairway. Now, the enviro champions, GOB, have found that there's a problem with the seventh hole, too. Well, what a surprise. I wonder how long it will be before someone reckons there is a rare ant (or dec) breeding on the site of the green of the sixth hole. This can just go on and on, can't it. And it probably will. Maybe they could just build the first 16-hole golf course and have done with it. Or 15-hole. The gift that keeps on giving.
QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDgq10Rsb-0). Today's title - perms and probably the alleged cello scrotum.
(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)
For those of you who don't know, Movistar is the mobile wing of Telefonica, the national phone company. Movistar is making unsolicited calls to my mobile and to many others, if what I'm now seeing on the internet is anything to go by. There are many here who will have nothing to do with anything that is vaguely to do with Telefonica, and that includes Movistar. I am not one of them. I don't get upset by all-powerful organisations, though there are those, including the European Commission, who do: Telefonica is not unfamiliar with huge fines for uncompetitive, anti-trust activity. But I don't want them being a damn nuisance and calling my mobile with their automated system that repeats its call after half an hour, every day, when you don't bother answering, which is every time the number rings. Consequently, and very politely, do you mind sodding off?
There are many gifts that keep on giving here, as in being basically daft and continuing to be so. One such is, of course, the gloriously ridiculous projected golf course in Playa de Muro. My, what fun it has given us over the months and now years. What will we all do when they've actually built the damn thing? Not play golf on it, that's for sure. Anyway, as noted recently, Muro has managed to publicise the course as an attraction, despite it still being no more than a series of bunkers on an architect's plan and the winsome look of an endangered species on an environmentalist's sentimental propaganda. Mere bagatelle, implies the mayor, when it is pointed out that the course has neither been built nor fully approved. Bagatelle. Now that's a game where small balls are struck into numbered holes, is it not? A bit like golf, and just as pointless, or certainly just as pointless as the course in Muro.
One of the many problems for the golf course is that there is an apparently endless supply of environmentalists who emerge from the undergrowth and are willing to keep the whole debacle being debated. Step forth, therefore, the advisors on flora and fauna to the Balearic Government's environment department. They reckon that not enough is being done to protect the rare orchid on the Son Bosc finca; the rare orchid that has been the main subject of the environmental objection to the conversion of the finca. Now, given that this orchid is so rare and apparently so damn important, might it not have been an idea to ask these advisors before? Maybe. However, even had they been, what they have to say is not "binding". In other words, it doesn't count. So, why did they bother asking them? The point is that the course design has already been changed to accommodate this orchid. The eighth hole has been shifted as, originally, it would have meant some high handicappers trampling through the rough and hacking the orchid to pieces as they tried to get back on the fairway. Now, the enviro champions, GOB, have found that there's a problem with the seventh hole, too. Well, what a surprise. I wonder how long it will be before someone reckons there is a rare ant (or dec) breeding on the site of the green of the sixth hole. This can just go on and on, can't it. And it probably will. Maybe they could just build the first 16-hole golf course and have done with it. Or 15-hole. The gift that keeps on giving.
QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDgq10Rsb-0). Today's title - perms and probably the alleged cello scrotum.
(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)
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