I've Been Learning To Drive

I should of course have mentioned, as a follow-up to 10 February, Mirror Man, that Sara passed her driving theory test. This is not bad going as you have to stump up for two tests as standard, on the basis that they expect you to fail first time what is considered to be the most difficult theory tests in Europe. Which does all rather make you wonder what happens between the theory and being let loose on the road. It does rather depend as to what theory; it could, after all, be theory as to how to be a complete and utter tosser when it comes to actually taking a vehicle on the road. If that is the case, then there are many who have indeed been able to translate theory into practice.

Anyway, now that she no longer needs the books, I have taken temporary possession in order to delve into the strange world of Spanish driving. The "learning to drive" book (and there is indeed an English version) suggests, with its front cover, a liberating experience of youth and activity. Five early-twenty-somethings in front of what may be a Golf, are all smiling, having been able to fathom out the contents of what is, in truth, a book of almost total incomprehensibility, and have taken to the road in order to drive to wherever it is one has to drive in order to play football and go skateboarding. And the reason I say that is that, of the five, one has a football and one has a skateboard, and so one has to draw the conclusion that driving is a means to an end, the end being football or skateboarding (and not of course going clubbing, getting rat arsed, off your face and crashing into high-kerbed islands in the centre of the main road that runs alongside the beach in Puerto Alcúdia).

It would be impossible to do full justice to the 200-odd pages of "learning to drive, playing football and going skateboarding", so let me choose but one example of the mysteries of Spanish driving for the time being. Now, you must realise that the book uses the verb "accord" liberally and not wholly accurately and therefore descends into tortuous prose as in - "drivers should drive with extreme caution when approaching the vicinity of crossings, always being prepared to stop to accord precedents to pedestrians". Yep, of course.

It goes on: "Motorists should not gesture to pedestrians to cross the road and should only use recognised signs to convey to pedestrians that they are according them right of way, such as brake lights to indicate the fact that they are slowing down and stopping". So, what this means is that you shouldn't, under any circumstance, it would seem, wave your hand, for example, in a manner that indicates that the pedestrian might cross the road. And the reason why not is that the pedestrian must walk to the back of your car to see if your brake lights are on, and then, and only then, will the pedestrian realise that he or she has been accorded precedent to cross the road. Or something like that. And it just goes to show how important it is that your brake lights are functioning properly, because if no drivers' lights were working properly, no pedestrians would ever cross roads. So keep those brake lights working!


The Inca plan
In the scheme of tourism things in the northern reaches of Mallorca, you would have to say that Inca fails to register other than as a place you pass en route to Alcúdia or Pollensa or as the town with that big market and those leather shops you get hauled off to on a Thursday. Well, the town hall wants to change all that, having put together a "strategic plan" for tourism development of a commercial and gastronomic nature. Oh dear. The words strategic and plan together bring me out in a cold sweat, induced by management bollocks-speak. And I can speak about management bollocks-speak with great authority, trust me on this. I have been working, for a while, on my own theory of what provisionally I call "the theory of the edifice of complete and utter shit", of which management speak is one major constituent. The past year of economic destruction has tended to help me in constructing this theory. Keep watching.

Anyway, I don't wish to debunk Inca's brave attempt at becoming a tourist destination. I'm sure that there are many cultural routes - which is one of their things - as well as fine cooking and shopping that will have tourists flocking to the town. Actually, I'm not sure about that, but good luck to them anyway and to the idea of a museum of hunting. Astonishingly, the town hall is saying that it wishes to open a tourist office: astonishing that there isn't one already, especially given those tourists who are dragged around the town on a Thursday as part of Inca excursionism. And can I just ask? I have seen this word - excursionism - used on more than one occasion recently. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist. Can someone please confirm or deny this as I am unable to sleep.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - D-D-D-David Bowie, and from some US TV thing - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chUolMjZyHc. Today's title - how could I have overlooked "quizzing" this lot for so long? Canadians: think amusements and heat.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)