"Real steak." Not real as in a Spanish football club, but real as in "real" - genuine, authentic, English. When is real steak unreal, do you suppose? When it's not steak probably. The "real" moniker makes something of a change to those alternatives, especially authentic. Authentic (typical) Mallorcan cuisine, authentic Indian cuisine, authentic, authentic. I wish a restaurant would promote itself as being unauthentic. I might go then.
There is a real steak war emerging. A real steak war as in both the steak being real and there really being a steak war as opposed to a pretend one; well, sort of. The real steak war is also being fought out over real historical claims. Since 19--, apply your own numbers. The steak war is in Las Gaviotas, the area of Playa de Muro that no one really calls Las Gaviotas, if they happen to be a tourist, as equally no tourist really calls it Playa de Muro because they think, or are told, that it is Alcúdia, which it isn't.
The restaurant S'Albufera has a chalkboard sign outside, declaring the reality of its steak and the years of really having been a steak house. 30 years, it would seem. Why has the restaurant made this move? It is, it would appear, an escalation of the war against a newcomer to the steak battlefield. Where would we be without them? The Dakota restaurants.
Almost next door to S'Albufera and its thirty years of steaking claims is a new Dakota, but not only a tex-mex Dakota. This is a steak house Dakota. A large sign says so. Steak House in big letters with some steak, some flames and a grill just to make sure everyone gets the message. Everywhere a steak house and everywhere a picture of some flaming grill. Flaming on fire and not flaming as a euphemism for "damn". The flames of the damned though, as the great steak war hots up.
Steak houses have taken over. They are the new, well, tex-mex, except they're not new, just that everyone seems to want to be a steak house and everyone is promoting steak credentials. It had never really occurred to me that S'Albufera was a real steak house, as it's always been plain S'Albufera. But when the war is joined, so some realism is chalked onto a blackboard. And when it comes to the Dakotas, the longevity is, how can one put it, rather open to interpretation. Unlike S'Albufera which had also not previously boasted about its generation-plus existence. Or maybe it had; just that no one had noticed.
Do people really want all this steak? Real or not. Maybe they do. There are steak houses, kids newly on blocks, that are doing a roaring and flaming steak trade, albeit mingled in with kebabs and whatever else fills out the menu. Steak house, like pizzeria, has become something of a catch-all. Restaurant We Do Everything. And it's real.
We should really have a competition. Where is the most real steak? Which is the most real steak house? I can't honestly help as I rarely eat steak - rare or well done. A friend once said that Los Tamarindos in Puerto Alcúdia did the best steak he had ever eaten. I confess it wasn't bad. The solomillo at Satyricon in Alcúdia was magnificent, but that's hardly somewhere you might classify as a steak house. Boy in Playa de Muro's steak and meat come in the size of a cow, deliciously marinaded, but it calls itself a grill, as does Los Tamarindos. No steak house for either of these places, but they are, just as much as those which say they are real steak houses or steak houses with no statement as to being real or otherwise.
You cannot avoid steak. Whole herds of beef cow cut, sliced, flavoured, spitting, roasting, grilling. And all of it real. Unless it happens not to be.
Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.
Index for June 2010
Alcúdia, friendly - 16 June 2010
All-inclusive in Puerto Pollensa - 27 June 2010
All-inclusives and tour operators - 28 June 2010
Anxiety in Alcúdia - 19 June 2010
Balearic Government adjustment measures - 2 June 2010, 4 June 2010
Bellevue closure rumour - 9 June 2010, 10 June 2010
Cala San Vicente - 26 June 2010
Can Picafort: ducks and night party - 11 June 2010
Car rental - 23 June 2010
Council of Mallorca - 12 June 2010
Discounts - 18 June 2010
General public-sector strike - 6 June 2010
Grupo Marsans sold - 10 June 2010
Hotel occupancy - 8 June 2010, 10 June 2010
Miss Drag Mallorca - 13 June 2010
Noise, music and bars - 1 June 2010, 7 June 2010
Police, local government financing & - 15 June 2010
Prices in Mallorca - 6 June 2010
Puerto Pollensa protest - 2 June 2010, 3 June 2010
Russian tourism - 9 June 2010
Sant Pere fiesta Puerto Alcúdia 2010 brochure - 22 June 2010
Sis Pins ownership - 3 June 2010
Smoking ban law - 22 June 2010
Steak houses - 30 June 2010
Tourism Agency for the Balearic Islands - 8 June 2010
Tourist information offices: too helpful? - 25 June 2010
Tourist satisfaction - 21 June 2010
Towers of Alcúdia Bay - 5 June 2010
Well-being promotion, active - 20 June 2010
World Cup - 17 June 2010, 24 June 2010, 28 June 2010, 29 June 2010
Youth drinking - 14 June 2010
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