Soap Opera Says

"It's like a soap opera." Life among the expat is often described thus. There is a grain of truth in this, even if, as a rule, airplanes do not crash and kill off half the cast, Pammy does not wake up to discover that the death of Bobby had apparently been all a dream, and a Harold Bishop doesn't suddenly return having been lost at sea for a few years or a Dirty Den emerge some time later from a canal. It's an all too easy metaphor that has become a cliché, but it doesn't stop us making it.

The BBC's glorious failure of an expat-in-the-sun soap, "Eldorado", was not a bad idea per se. It flopped for various reasons. Many of the actors were anything but; the inclusion of every nationality under the (Spanish) sun made for a dog's breakfast of a cast list, and this cosmopolitanism prevented audience identification. But there was another reason. The characters, the British characters, were too middle-class. The longevity and success of "Eastenders" and "Coronation Street" have been founded on working-class characters and environments.

Were there to be a soap opera set in Alcúdia or Pollensa, Alcúdia would have to be the location, Puerto Alcúdia especially. Set one in Pollensa, the old town in particular, and it would be more like "Dynasty" - all big hair and big money. The concession to ostentation in an Alcúdia soap would be the boat world - "Eastenders" meets "Howards' Way" from whence a bling-ridden grease ball like Ken Masters would be forthcoming.

"Expats". That'll do as a title. Straight to the point and rather ominous. Personal tensions, conflicts, jealousies, a bit of bed-hopping and chuck in the scope for misunderstandings with the indigenous community. Expat soap would be easily cast. A Phil and Grant? Little could they have realised that they would clone so many, and not just among British male tourists. Den and Angie? Yep. Brassy, hard as nails but heart of gold Bet Lynch? Most certainly.

The other thing about "Eldorado" was the lack of real grit. Other than perhaps the alcoholic Drew, there were no down-and-dirty personalities. Even the "baddy", Marcus Tandy, was too polished - he was like Michael Portillo meets Den.

There is a soap to be made here, but the BBC would never contemplate such a thing again. Maybe we will have to do with the book of the soap. Or just a book. Now there's an idea.


QUIZ
Yesterday - Fat Boy Slim when he was Pizzaman. Today's title - the lyric goes on ... "you've got one life to live". Which US pop/R&B female singer?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)