S’Albufera

I live opposite the S’Albufera nature reserve. For those who don’t know, this is the vast area of protected wetlands that lies largely in Playa de Muro but which extends inland to the northern-most part of Sa Pobla. Albufera is home to all manner of flora and fauna; the other morning there was a right noise - it was the water buffalo. Someone I know who works here says there are no buffalo. There certainly are. As there are also all manner of migratory birds, some of which form huge swoops of song and flapping.

Albufera has been dogged with some controversy. A while ago I mentioned that a report had criticised the lack of technical staff, upkeep and a director. Well, there is now a director who has just reported that more than 100,000 people visited the park during 2006.

I don’t know if that’s good or not, albeit the figure is up some 35% apparently. Unsurprisingly, the peak periods for visitors are spring and autumn. In summer, the numbers are less. Too hot. That’s one reason. The other? Too little interest. Sorry, but your average summer tourist ain’t gonna go wandering over in Albufera when he can be soaking up the sun by the pool. Shame, but there you go.


Some other stuff ... The resurfacing of the Carretera Arta in Puerto Alcúdia and Playa de Muro goes on apace - finally!!! And the weather note: after all the glorious weather (ever since Christmas Day), it looks like it’s collapsing. Quite a bit colder. Hey ho, maybe it’s the usual end-of-January weather belly-up.

Clippety-clop, some cyclists shop

Ah yea, they’re back. Cyclists. Great pelotons of Germans aping Jan Ullrich or Erik Zabel. Clip-clop, clip-clop; the supermarkets are alive with the sound of cycling foot furniture - a Holy Grail of horse-hoof coconut-shell karaoke heading for the bananas and the Ritter Sport*.

And shouting. Yes, shouting. On the roads. Shouting. They must have got it from the Mallorcans.

“Achtung, Horst, hier kommt ein grosser Lastwagen. Achtung ... AARRGHH.”

Well, that’s not quite how it happens, but you probably get the picture; three-abreast cyclists, one dirty great lorry, one dirty great lorry’s horn. More shouting. “Arschloch, Arschloch.”

And what do you know, the cycling season has barely even begun. Oh to be in Mallorca now that the cycling spring has Vorsprung durch Rad-Technik.

Not that any infringements of two-wheel road usage are likely to be stamped on by Trafico, especially not at present as they seem to be conducting some form of work-to-rule. All about pay apparently. And this also at a time when new set speed traps are to be introduced on main roads from Palma - one such road being that to Inca, which presumably means the motorway. The deal with the speed traps is that they are to be placed at particularly bad black spots. Five of them.

Fifty, maybe. Five hundred even. Five? Make a well-known phrase or saying involving the following words: wind, the, in, plus the gerund form of the verb to piss.

Mind you, bloody marvellous weather for cycling. Marvellous weather - pretty much - for lying on the beach. Staggeringly good at the moment. It won’t last, I’m telling you, it won’t last. Come the end of the month. Just like the last two years.

* As a footnote, one of the German slogans for Ritter Sport is “Quadratisch. Praktisch. Gut.” Literally - square-shaped, practical, good. Surely only the Germans could come up with a promotion for a chocolate that stresses functionality.

“If You Can’t Stand The Heat ...”

“It was hotter than Hooker in Heater today, and hotter than Heater in Hellmouth, where the high was a hundred and thirty-three degrees.”

You, what?

The above comes from a weather-report spoof on the long-ago album “Everything You Know Is Wrong” by the American comedy troupe The Firesign Theatre. It just came to mind as I mulled over the prospects of Skegness becoming the new Magaluf and the Med becoming too hot for tourism.

More dire environmental prophesying.

Back in early November (entries of 2 and 6 November to be precise), I picked up on the Stern Report and its warnings regarding climate change. I spoke of the dangers of rising sea levels affecting unprotected coastlines here, such as in Playa de Muro. Now we have another warning - this one from the European Commission. This latest report predicts that - during this century - the Med will become “unbearably hot”, so much so that people will no longer flock to the beaches, as they will be able to enjoy Mediterranean conditions in ... well, Skeggy.

It’s long been said that an impact of global warming will be to make Britain and northern Europe that much warmer. The question no longer seems to be if but when. The problem with climate-change predictions is that their actualisations are too far off. “Oh, it’ll be all right, something’s bound to turn up.” That seems to be the reaction of many. But what if nothing does turn up? What if this warming kicks in that much earlier? What if, say, in ten, twenty years time, Mallorca is regularly notching up 40+ degrees in summer, the point at which the heat not only becomes intolerable, it becomes downright dangerous?

What is that about a goose and golden eggs? The airline industry and its partners the tour operators will have helped to have created an irreversible change (not that they are the only ones who should carry the can). But they will have contributed - largely unwittingly until relatively recently - and then they will find that there is no demand for Mediterranean holidays. Too damned hot. They will leave behind wastelands - decaying hotels, derelict bars, destroyed economies, deserted villas.

Whither Mallorca in such a scenario?

The seas will come again and reclaim the coastal plains, rendering what land remains worthless, subject as it will be to ever more encroachment and erosion; as worthless as it was considered until only the last sixty years or so. All the greed and prosperity will be washed away. People will return to the hinterland to pick over what is left of a shattered economic model that saw tourism as its wealth-creator, its greed-creator and finally its destroyer.

Have a nice holiday this year.

Three Kings

Today is Three Kings or Epiphany if you prefer. Yesterday evening there were celebrations across the island, the “Kings” arriving, e.g. by boat into the port of Alcúdia (always perishing down on the pier waiting for them - no different this year). But just what is the deal with the Kings?

The deal is thus: 6 January is the day designated as the one when “los reyes” (the kings) or “los tres reyes magos” (the three magi, aka wise men) arrived, having followed the star, and offered gifts to the baby Jesus. In terms of local tradition, kids put out their shoes (and or stockings) overnight of 5 January; this is the equivalent of Santa here, with present-giving taking place on the 6th.

So much for the background. As often with this blog, there’s an angle, a coincidental angle. Why does so much here hang on coincidence? Discuss.

Anyway, yesterday I was loading the car with stuff from the Eroski Syp supermarket. As I was doing so, someone said “hello”. Who he, thought I. Smartly dressed - tie and hat - English, in his sixties with a wife shaped like and sounding not unlike Janine Duvitski (of - inter alia - “The Worst Week of My Life” fame). No idea who they were. Just said hello, and engaged me in conversation. Staying at the Estrella - till May. That’s a long stretch, said I. The response was not what I expected. It was a non sequitur. “We are Christians. Gideons.” Then something about the difficulties relating to the siesta break and people’s occupation with work. “Er?”, I thought.

Despite having been alerted by the “we are Christians” gambit, and being a civil sort, I asked if they would be going to watch the Kings’ procession. Possibly. And then some more of the unexpected. The Kings aren’t named in the Scriptures. In the Book of Daniel there is reference - fairly accurate in historical terms (allegedly), but no names - or so they said.

And yet, though I didn’t wish to enter a debate on the subject, I had always thought their names were known - Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar. But then I don’t really do religion.

Well, they were really very nice people, and I wished them a happy new year, and then as a parting gift I was given ... a copy of The New Testament and Psalms. What can I say? Well, it is the time for gift-giving.

Happy Kings.


And just to make a weather note: beautifully clear blue skies - distinctly chilly at night but warm by day. Typical for this time of year, if the last two years are anything to go by.

Lies, Damned Lies And Statistics

Never let it be said that I cannot offer praise where it is due. Having granted “Euro Weekly” the honour of the lousy journalism award for its one-time front-page story, the latest issue redeems the paper somewhat. The headline is:

“Holiday record claim is an ‘insult’ to traders”.

This refers to the announcement of the 12.2 million people that came the Balearics way during the first eleven months of 2006. Quoting an albeit unnamed bar owner in the south of the island, the article says that the figures are being used to mask the “shortcomings” of the government. It doesn’t actually say what those shortcomings are, but one gets the point. Pertinently, the fact that Spanish tourism was up by nearly 23%, while British tourism had gone up a mere percentage point tells us a lot. The bar owner says: “Unfortunately tribes of Spanish pensioners do not put money into the till.” How right he is, and not necessarily only the pensioners, though they are an under-spending phenomenon. There is one bar in Alcúdia where they tell them to piss off for the simple reason that they clutter the bar up, spend next to nothing and expect, nay demand, freebies like crisps and olives.

The bar owner goes on: “Anyone can read what they want into figures.” Well, amen to that; I was saying as much during 2006. The emphasis of the feature then shifts to winter tourism. Magaluf is described as a “ghost town” in winter and a cut-price, all-inclusive area during summer”. Sounds familiar. It could also be said of Alcúdia. Warming to his theme, he continues: “we need quantity but we also need quality”. Where have I heard that before? Yes, right here - on this blog.

So, in a nutshell, the article savages the complacency of Sr. Flaquer and his numbers-game, calls for an alternative to all-inclusives and for more winter tourism. Couldn’t really have put it better myself. The only thing is: why is the bar owner not named?

But elsewhere in the paper, we get - on facing pages - not just one columnist of the year as voted for (apparently) by readers but two, namely someone using the moniker Boadicea and our old favourite Leapy Lee. Well, I admit I don’t pay that much attention to the paper, but how many other columnists are there? And what, in all truth, does a one-hit wonder like the Leapster do to deserve this title? Rants on about (favourably) the somewhat summary nature of justice in Saudi Arabia in decrying the procrastination of the British legal system. Strewth.

More interestingly, there is mention of the development of the terminal at the airport which should see less congestion and less of a trek for passengers, especially those travelling with low-cost airlines who, at present, face a long walk to baggage reclaim and the exit. The work is set to be completed by the end of 2009.

Also, there is a thing about an allegedly “racist” poster that has appeared around the island. The poster reads: “Productes de Mallorca: Els mallorquins són els millors”. This translates as - “Mallorcan produce (or also products). The Mallorcans are the best.” Now, you could read this as claiming that the Mallorcan people are the best, but that is not what is being said. It is the products that are the best. Whether one agrees with that is largely beside the point. But people seem to have got themselves into an almighty lather over nothing. Once more quoting an unnamed source (a resident of Puerto Pollensa who wished not to be named - why?), the article bangs on about the offensiveness of the posters and multi-culturalism versus nationalism, blah, blah. A load of noise about nothing. Forget it.

Awards Of 2006

And so here they are - The AlcúdiaPollensaBlogspot Annual Awards. After the first two, things take a turn for the worse...


The Best New Idea Of The Year: The nautical and sepia fairs in Puerto Alcúdia. (report of 1 April)


BAR/RESTAURANT AWARDS

The Best New Bar Of The Year: JK’s in Puerto Pollensa.


The Worst Publicity For A Bar Award: Lineker’s in Puerto Alcúdia
Lineker’s Bar takes its name not so much from Gary but from his brother Wayne, though the connection with Gary has surely been fundamental to the development of the “brand”. Wayne has been a bit of a naughty boy, 200 grands’ worth of a naughty boy in fact. 200 grands’ worth of undeclared wads in suitcases of a naughty boy to be precise. And now he’s serving a term. (25 April)


The Most Shortlived Appropriately Named Chef Award: Oliver at Oliver’s
Olivers in Puerto Pollensa - has lost its Oliver. I’ll not go into the reasons, at least those that have been reported to me. But it’s knackered my line about the serendipity of there actually being a chef called Oliver. Not anymore there ain’t. Oops. (2 June; the restaurant had opened on 1 May)


LOCAL MEDIA AWARDS

The Daily Bulletin Award For Historical Inaccuracy: Discussing Christopher Columbus’s origins,
“The Bulletin” gave us this:
“Theories include claims that Columbus ... was born in Genoa, Italy in 1491.” Quite a feat for a one-year-old to have then discovered America. It also says: “What we do know, however, is that on May 20, 1606, he died in Valladolid”. Right place, wrong century. It was 1506, and he was 57 at the time. Oh dear, let’s just put it down to typos. (14 January)


The Lousy Journalism Of The Year Award: Euro Weekly
This is the front-page headline of the current “Euro Weekly” - “Clean Up Or Clear Out”. All very striking. What’s the story? Well it’s about dogs fouling pavements, especially the one at the back of the beach in Puerto Alcúdia. Fine, except that the whole “big story” is based on one lady and her family’s experience. Not even someone well-known, just a regular, ordinary tourist. From this, the paper conjures up a front-page story. Staggering. (30 September and also 9 November)


MUSIC AND ENTERTAINMENT AWARDS

The Special Bryan Adams Award For Murdering What Was Already Lousy Music: Ecuadorean pipe players
So next time I’m trying to avoid a market and I hear the strains of canned Ecuadorean “Everything I Do ...” piping its way across a hot square, I will take one of the offending pipes and oblige by indeed doing it for them and placing it in a part of the anatomy perfectly moulded and sculpted to accept a pipe. (27 May)


The Naff Entertainment Award Of The Year: Elvis impersonators
Elvis became a fat, bloated cabaret artist; a drug-addled, burger-addicted, fat, bloated cabaret artist. And that was how he died. Why is he so impersonated? Sometimes for affection, and I apologise to fans who might disagree with my appraisal, but often because parodies are so easy to impersonate. Why, for instance, could so many people in the ‘60s and ‘70s impersonate Harold Wilson? Because they liked him? No. Because Mike Yarwood took the piss so effectively. (3 October)


TOURISM AWARDS

The First Choice Contribution To Local Culture Award: Rep at a Puerto Pollensa hotel
Rep: “What’s this photo of?”

Me: The Calvari steps.

Rep: And this?

Me. The pinewalk, here in Puerto Pollensa.

Rep: Oh, yes I must go there some time.

How long has she been here? Two months. How close is the pinewalk to the hotel in question? Three minutes at a stretch. (19 June)


The Most Contentious Issue Of The Year Award: All-inclusives
There is no doubt that the AI attracts - in part - a low-rent market. We’ve heard enough of fighting and bad behaviour, of drunkenness, of kids hyper on Coke overdoses to know that such low rent exists. But it is not the whole truth. Far from it. There are plenty of people who opt for the AI for sound reasons. Some of them would rather go for something else, but the advantages are clear. (20 July)


The Greatest Aid To Father-Child Bonding While On Holiday: The baby buggy
A side effect of this buggy-based mass tourism is that fathers have discovered a whole new way of bonding with their small offspring. They bond through the medium of plastic and aluminium. (2 June)


The Find Some Totty To Promote Mallorca Award: Anna Kournikova
The ITB travel fair has been showcasing the Balearics and a certain Ms Anna Kournikova who - it would appear - is now the face of the Balearics. Why an average Russian female tennis-player, God knows. ... At the ITB, Mallorca has been working hard to promote itself as a place for active holidays (golf and tennis) and for cultural, gastronomic and leisure tourism. All well and good, but what about the low-grade tourism stuff? Does Anna Kournikova pitch up at an all-inclusive and get bladdered? I very much doubt it. (10 March)


The Sculpture Of A Tattooed Tourist Award For A Tourist With Poor Taste: Trev 69
Puerto Alcúdia. Bloke. T-shirt says “Trev” “69”.
There are several words that spring to mind, but there’s one in particular. Six letters, begins with T and ends with R, and it’s not Trevor. (21 May)


OTHER AWARDS

The Destruction Of The English Language Without Any Apparent Attempt At Irony Award: Taylor Woodrow
Taylor Woodrow. A well-known name in the construction industry. They are building on what was the Garbi hole in Puerto Pollensa. They have a slogan, an ungrammatical slogan. It is: “We build in Spain since 1958”. (8 September)


The Most Curious Environmentally Correct Award: “We need the sand”; Playa de Muro’s environmental protection
The notice informing us of this ends with a further request, namely that when people leave the beach could they kindly dust all the sand off themselves and their belongings, as the sand is needed. Strange thing to ask. How much sand can one person carry away with him or her? But that’s ecological sensitivity for you. (11 August)

Happy New Year

Yes indeed, a very happy new year to all - all working and living here and of course who will be visiting in 2007.

Coming up over the next day or so, when I’ve sobered up, the annual awards of the year. Not to be missed.

Nothing much to say other than cheers, and have a good one, but here are two little gems that I noticed over the couple of days.

On tattoos - a must (it would seem) for most who visit Alcúdia and increasingly Pollensa - Philip Howard in “The Times”, responding to a question in his “Modern Times” column. “I think they (tattoos) display vanity and epidermal infantilism.” Don’t ask me to translate.

And then there’s the always wonderful Jeremy Clarkson. In “The Sunday Times”, reflecting on Tony Blair’s stay with Robin Gibb and people’s choice of a holiday destination: “Anyone who goes to France votes Conservative. Anyone who goes to Italy votes Labour, and anyone who goes to Spain has, at some point in the recent past, held up a post office.

Love it.

Lucky grapes, and have a belting new year.


Index for December 2006

6-0-6 - 13 December 2006
Air tax - 7 December 2006
Alcúdia - 19 December 2006
Alcúdia Auditorium - 29 December 2006
Andratx - 3 December 2006, 6 December 2006, 19 December 2006, 30 December 2006
Ayers, Kevin - 29 December 2006
BBC - 13 December 2006
Bougainvillaea - 9 December 2006
Carretera Arta - 6 December 2006
Cats - 9 December 2006
Christmas - 23 December 2006, 26 December 2006
Corruption - 3 December 2006, 6 December 2006, 19 December 2006, 30 December 2006
ESRA - 23 December 2006
Expats - 13 December 2006, 23 December 2006
Five Live - 13 December 2006
Football - 13 December 2006
Giants - 19 December 2006
Guardia Civil - 3 December 2006
Hidalgo, Eugenio - 3 December 2006
Holidays - 6 December 2006
Hotels - 9 December 2006
Iberostar Albufera Park - 9 December 2006
Internet - 13 December 2006
Language - 13 December 2006
Magaluf - 23 December 2006
Matas, Jaume - 3 December 2006, 6 December 2006
Motorway - 21 December 2006, 23 December 2006
New Year - 29 December 2006, 31 December 2006
Palma Airport - 21 December 2006, 30 December 2006
Pane y Vino - 6 December 2006
Pizzeria - 6 December 2006
Playa de Muro - 9 December 2006
Policlinica Miramar - 9 December 2006
Political parties - 3 December 2006, 6 December 2006
Radio - 13 December 2006
Radio London - 13 December 2006
Road accidents - 21 December 2006, 23 December 2006
Roads - 6 December 2006, 21 December 2006
Rodriguez, Jose María - 30 December 2006
Service - 9 December 2006
Supermarkets - 23 December 2006
Tattoos - 31 December 2006
Tourism economics - 21 December 2006, 30 December 2006
Traditions - 19 December 2006
Via Cintura - 21 December 2006
Weather - 6 December 2006, 7 December 2006, 19 December 2006, 21 December 2006, 23 December 2006, 26 December 2006, 29 December 2006

Panto And Pants Down

The panto season is upon us. Yes, even in Mallorca. And they flocked to the parliament building yesterday to see this year’s smash hit farce. Slapstick humour at its finest as Jose María Rodriguez, challenged to deny he had tipped off the Andratx mayor, repeatedly said he didn’t do it. “Oh yes, you did,” kept coming the opposition’s riposte.

But presumably the trio accused of having their pants down (bribery and money laundering) were not there, nor was Captain Hook, the PP’s leader Jaume Matas, who was accused by the socialists of making Rodriguez a scapegoat. “BEHIND YOU, HE’S BEHIND YOU!”


Anyway, while we wonder if they’ll all live happily ever after, good news on the tourism front. Confirming this year’s record number of visitors, tourism boss Joan Flaquer has announced that 12,272,323 tourists came to the Balearics this year during January and November. Hats off for such precision counting! And that number represents a 7.4% increase over the same period last year.

Of this 12million+ figure, only half a million did not arrive by air. This wholly unremarkable bit of info clearly impressed “The Bulletin” who captioned a shot of people at an airport (Palma’s, one presumes) with this: “Most tourists visiting the Balearics prefer to arrive by air”. Brilliant.

Kevin Ayers

New year is nearly upon us. Always more of a gig than Christmas round these parts. You can check out times and stuff on the sister blog for What’s On (in the menu). Apart from the midnight craics in Alcúdia and Pollensa on the night of the 31st, there is something happening on the 30th which for any ageing hippy who might be reading this will bring back memories.

Kevin Ayers. Remember him. Yes, the Kevin Ayers, a survivor of psychedelia, one who begat The Soft Machine and was a contemporary of the likes of Syd Barrett. To be honest, I didn’t think he had survived, but he has, and he’s playing the Auditorium in Alcúdia. God knows what he’ll be like now. He did have his moments way back then, most of them not with The Soft Machine who were one of the most unlistenable-to and boring acts of the early prog-rock genre. But here he is, still doing his stuff, and in Alcúdia of all places. And if you’re really interested, visit www.kevin-ayers.com.


Weather note: all that rain meant that some 211 litres per square metre dropped on Pollensa trhoughout December, 27% more than average. There, knew you’d appreciate that little stat.

Molt D’Anys!

The diabolical weather duly brought reports of the havoc that was wrought. The north did suffer more than most of the rest of the island, with many a basement flooded. My neighbour has a sizeable basement - or, in effect, an underground car park - which always captures a fair old amount of water, so there is a pumping system to clear it all out (and flood the road, as the drains can’t cope).

But the awful weather suddenly, miraculously almost, changed over the night of Christmas Eve. Christmas Day was just perfect. Clear blue skies and warm - a remarkable contrast that has continued today.

Boxing Day is a holiday here; it is actually the second day of Christmas. In keeping with, for example Germany, there are two days of Christmas. Accordingly, the general greeting - in Spanish - is “felices navidades” (“happy Christmases”) as opposed to the singular “feliz navidad”. Though if you’re doing the Catalan, you can get away with just one Christmas, as in “bon nadal”, though the most common greeting one hears is “molt d’anys” (which sounds liike molt dines). This means literally “much of the years”, and while it is used at other times, it is prevalent around Christmas.

And to show what a Mallorcan Boxing Day looks like, here’s a shot. Well, at least here’s a shot from the back of the Palace de Muro hotel, looking across the pier by the Esperanza towards Puerto Alcúdia that was taken this morning.

Happy Christmas

To everyone out there, a very merry Christmas, with a special greeting from the Alcudia "horse".

Dreaming Of A Wet Christmas

Jeez, this weather is not getting any better. The wind coming in from the sea is that strong you can barely move against it. There was some nutter kitesurfing this afternoon. Thunder rumbles now and then, downpours are regular; driving is a nightmare. There was another motorway accident yesterday - three killed near to the Consell turning between Inca and Palma.

You might think that the lousy weather is what makes things so quiet at present. But not so. The last Saturday before Christmas. You might think the shops, especially the supermarkets would be packed. Not the case. At half ten this morning, the local Eroski Syp had about a dozen customers. Christmas just ain’t such a big deal, albeit that the supermarket had bowed to the seasonal plague of Christmas muzak - Bing Crosby’s “A White Christmas” and all.

A further reason for the quietness is that a lot of the Brits who live here decamp to Magaluf for the annual ESRA Christmas shindigs (if one can use such a word). ESRA is the English Speaking Residents’ Association, a worthy body in many respects, one that does good works and that helps those in need, but - personally - a Christmas (in Magaluf) with a bunch of expats; not my cup of tea, thank you.

Black Thursday

I had an appointment in Palma at ten this morning. Had. Didn’t make it. I was in two minds anyway. The appalling weather was still at it - high winds and heavy rain - but I thought it might be brighter closer to Palma. It was - a bit. But then there was ... the gridlock. For the third time in the past ten days or so, much of the road system in Palma was at a stop. I should have known than to stick in a queue for half an hour before deciding to turn back (itself not that easy on the motorway here). That queue was to get onto the Via Cintura in the Andratx direction. Nothing doing. Nothing doing for a seriously long period of time.

I don’t know what the cause was. An accident almost certainly. No motorway is immune - anywhere. But there is much about the road system here that doesn’t help. Entry and exits taking the same slip road for instance; the closeness of entry slips to divisions in the road. That was the combination that was the seen of a recent accident, and you can see how easily it can happen. As you come to the end of the motorway from Inca before joining the Via Cintura, there is an entry slip, and just past it the road divides - one way to the airport and Palma centre, the other towards Andratx. If you’re not in the right-hand lane for Andratx, you have to cross, and hope to God that something’s not entering at speed from the slip.

The driving here may be manic, but the road system’s pretty lunatic, too. Result - BANG! Bang, and gridlock.


So, I thought I’d start these pieces wirh headlines instead. Hence, “Black Thursday”. Well, if the “Bulletin” can get away with its naff hyperbole so can I. There was another example today. “British Tourism Falls ....” Er yes, the number of passengers from Britain passing through the airport last month was down 8%. Big, bloody deal. And in the report that followed, there was a highly pertinent “however” that introduced the fact that the Balearics will be a popular destination over the forthcoming holiday period. Headline-grabbing. Well ok, but ...

Not that the Balearics will prove to be that popular with folk coming for Christmas if this weather doesn’t get its arse in gear. Truly dreadful.

When Giants Dance

Traditions, traditions. Mallorca has its traditions. I’ve spoken of them in the past. We are entering a period of strong local tradition - the Kings, Nit Bruixa, Sant Sebastià. On Sunday, there was a little bit of revived tradition - in Alcúdia. The giants danced for the first time in many a year. The giants are to the town of Alcúdia what the beach is to the resort. They help to define the town. They stand in front of the town hall during the summer fiesta of Sant Jaume, and now they can dance once again, thanks to some nifty remodelling. And of course people go to see them dance, as they go to see the Kings arrive or go to be chased by the devils of Sant Antoni Eve.

What do we British have? I’ve said it before. Very little. Even something like Hallowe’en has been overtaken by the Americanisation of trick ‘n’ treat (albeit that some areas especially in the north of England have long had their own celebrations such as “mischievous night”). Somehow I couldn’t see the population of, say Basingstoke, pitching up to watch some dancing giants. Too sophisticated for that sort of malarkey.


The Andratx scandal rumbles on. One of the central characters - Jose María Rodriguez - has been forced to issue a denial that it was he who tipped off the mayor. But it also would seem that his phone was being tapped prior to the police intervention.


And weather ... Grey and greyer, at least in the north. The clouds are hanging permanently over the mountains, and it has been very, very wet these past two days. Yet this morning - in Palma - it was clear. One of the island’s oddities is that there can - on occasion - be a very distinct north-south divide weather-wise.

Language / Radio

Spain, it would seem, is the second-favoured destination (after Australia) for Brits seeking to escape the ghastly British climate and other negatives, such as marauding ASBO cases and Ant and Dec. Unlike Australia, however, Spain does not have “Neighbours”, cricket or a predominantly English language (setting aside any bastardisations of English down under and the insidious encroachment of the “moronic interrogative” - as Rory McGrath dubbed it - whereby some finish sentences with a questioning up-stress). It is the absence of English that makes life in Spain a tad difficult for some. All that nice weather, but why do they have to speak foreign?

Learning a language, or rather learning the language of the country in which one resides, seems to me a matter of - at least - courtesy. It does also have some practical advantages, such as being able to tell people eating Ritz biscuits at reception desks that they are being rude. But for many expats - and there are great numbers of them here - getting to grips with “the native” extends to no more than a handful of words and phrases - if that.

Now, I make no pretence to being fluent in Spanish, while my Mallorquin is non-existent, but I have made the attempt with the dominant lingo (castellano or Castilian to use the anglicised term). I can conduct business in Spanish, moan at people in Spanish, read newspapers in Spanish.

There are reasons why expats do not learn the language very well. One is sheer laziness. Two is an expat culture of surrounding oneself only with other expats (the ghetto mentality). Three is embarrassment with trying to use the language - and failing. Four is the difficulty.

It is difficult. No one can say it’s easy. It is also a fact that the older one gets, the more difficult it becomes. But it’s not impossible.

Problem is that for many English-speakers, Spanish (for which also read most other European languages) has not become a “lazy” language like English. For instance, whereas verb conjugation in English requires little change, Spanish does. For anyone who either didn’t learn French at school, or has forgotten it or who never took it in the first place, the concept of elements of a verb being different is a tricky one to get your head around. Then there is masculine and feminine, adjectival endings, the use of the present to mean the future. And they say Spanish is one of the easier languages (it is compared to some - German or, God forbid, Czech or the impenetrable Finno-Ugric tongues).

There are plenty of courses available. I know people, for example, who attend classes in Puerto Pollensa. The problem with classes - of anything up to 20 people - is that everyone is at different levels and personal teacher help is low. I learnt with a teacher one-on-one. Much better. It costs, and you have to do homework, but it was worth it. Moreover, I learnt in a structured way. Now, the language teaching industry will say that everyone has different learning styles. True, up to a point, but I defy anyone to really come to terms with a language unless they understand the structure - which means grammar and syntax.

Someone said to me when I was first here. “Oh, I can teach you, just from a few phrases ...” Bollocks. So, after a minute I was able to say “cómo estás”. Great. Did I know the root of estás? Did I know that it might not be appropriate in all circumstances? Did I know that there are two verbs “to be” in Spanish, and the difference between them? Did I stuff.

And so you get this rather bullshit approach to teaching. It doesn’t work. But maybe for those expats who would rather - having been here for some years - still only hang out at expat bars, make shop assistants try and understand their English, or get someone along to always translate, it’s good enough. There again, why not try Australia ...


So much for the above. I haven’t gone native. I haven’t totally embraced Mallorcan culture. I have my connections with England. I listen to BBC radio. I can get a buzz hearing the road reports on Five Live’s Drive. Operation Stack. M25. A406 Staples Corner. H-hmm!

Five Live is usually my radio channel of choice. Sad git that I am, I also get a buzz from listening to the footie phone-ins. Trouble is, 6-0-6 is crap. Not what it was in the days of the peerless Danny Baker. But I still listen, or rather I don’t. Because it is often 7:30-0-6 (or 8:30-0-6) if you take into account the hour’s difference. And then there are the times when the Beeb’s streaming (of events like Premiership games) is blocked to international listeners, and remains blocked because some twat has forgotten to switch it back on again, so you can’t hear the subsequent programmes either.

But there is redemption ... of sorts. Radio London. Ok, you have to be a one-time London boy like me, who supports Spurs. But Saturdays when Five Live still has its commentary for Charlton v. Reading (which of course you can’t hear even if you were mad enough to want to), and puts back 6-0-6, you can go to London and hear Tom Watt. He’s rubbish, absolutely useless, but he’ll do. (Never was a better insult uttered than when Dirty Den called him - or rather Lofty - a “doormat”, but that’s something else.)

Thing is, after Tom Watt, Radio London has Gary Crowley. Remember him? Brilliant, if breathless. From new stuff like Jack Penate to old, old stuff like The Ronettes. Too much. “And then I kissed him ...” And at another time, London has Norman Jay. Terribly egotistical. “When I was ... (this that and the other)”, but boy what a selection. Current dance music to Chris Montez. Can you believe that? Fab gear. Oh and D. Baker in the afternoons.

Don’t know what got me on to all of this, but I enjoyed it anyway. Pip, pip!

Service / Winter walk / Hotels

I have had cause before to rant against service here, and here I go again.

This whinge concerns the Policlinica Miramar. Now, this is in Palma, and is where you tend to get sent when the Hospital in Alcúdia doesn’t have the facility. I was there to confirm authorisation for the minor op to remove the melanomas I referred to a while back. So I went to the desk of the insurance company at the clinic. It was all dealt with easily and efficiently enough, except ... except for the fact that the girl behind the desk was munching on a box of Ritz biscuits. More than this - while attending to me, a friend of hers came up, they started chatting, and she offered the friend a Ritz. Didn’t bloody ask me. That’s service for you.


Despite warnings of dire weather again today, it has been splendid, and right for a beach walk. The sea was calm, and the light extraordinary. One of the pluses of the recent wind is that the views are clear and bright. And one never ceases to notice something new. Looking out across the bay from Playa de Muro towards the hills above Arta and to the headland by Cala Ratjada, the light was catching the green of the forest past Can Picafort. I had not noticed this before, but it stood out quite vividly, as did the settlements of Son Serra and Colonia. One can stand and stare at this for ages; at least I can. Like the caballo (horse) promontory at Cala San Vicente, the view is quite awe-inspiring.

Then walking in the quiet roads back of the beach, you see all the cats and kittens. There are loads of them; nearly all strays, but they do a job. Occasionally I have to remove the remains of their work from the garden - a tail here, a rat’s head there, bits of entrail forming an ant feast. Disgusting, but it’s better than having a rat in the house, which once happened. And there’s the flora. The bougainvillaea lasts well into autumn and early winter. There is one house close by that has three huge bushes of it climbing over the front wall; each a different colour - mauve, crimson and and a sort of russet-orange. Fabulous.

There were more cats hanging around near to the start of the forest past Alcúdia Pins. They didn’t seem to be bothered by the noise and the work going on at the Iberostar Albufera Park. You wonder at the sheer amount of work that goes on in maintaining the standards and quality of hotels here - and the Iberostars are outstanding hotels. There were huge skips full of doors, most of the rooms look as though they have been gutted, while some of the ornate balustrades have been demolished. Last winter, the Iberostar Dunas Park was totally redone, resulting in the designer-style feel of what is now the Iberostar Playa de Muro Village. Whatever the result of the work at the Albufera Park, it will be splendid. It is a strange feeling of being a part of this economic life, if only through observing the work that is put in, knowing that in a few months there will be a new set of tourists who will arrive and think “oh, this is nice” (or more likely “ganz herrlich”).

Weather / Air tax

Well disappointingly, my prediction of “The Bulletin’s” headline proved inaccurate. There again, the main force of the storm was felt in the north, not in the south, i.e. Palma. And given the Palma-centric nature of the local media ...

The front page was given over to apparent anger at Gordon Brown’s announcement of an increase in air tax. For instance, British Airways call it “a blunt instrument”, while an Easyjet spokesperson was on Five Live yesterday, saying that it fails to take account of cleaner aircraft. Well yes maybe, but this is something we are going to have get used to I’m afraid. I doubt that a five-quid hike in tax will deter people from coming to Mallorca, but it may reduce their spend a bit more - which ain’t such great news. What the taxman taketh away, he taketh away from something else as well.

Roads / Weather / Corruption / Pizzeria

As mentioned back on 1 and 16 November, the Carretera Arta in Puerto Alcúdia is receiving a bit of a facelift, and - wonders will never cease - the dire road surface is being attended to. At present there are sections of the road that have been resurfaced, and one assumes and hopes that these sections will be joined up, and that drivers won’t any longer have to move all over the road looking for bits that aren’t pitted.


When the hot weather kicks in in spring, it always comes as a bit of surprise; one forgets just how hot it gets after the winter months. And so it is in reverse. After weeks of mild, at times hot, weather, the first blast of chill air comes as a bit of a shock. And so today we have that first blast, with snow forecast on the tops, and a whole bunch of rain. The change in weather coincides with the first of two holiday days this week. Today is constitution day. Somewhat perversely, tomorrow is a normal day, and then Friday is another holiday - for immaculate conception. Accordingly, many opt to make it a three-day holiday; hardly surprising. The thing I don’t get is how come immaculate conception is 8 December? How did that all work?


Andratx update: Jaume Matas, the PP head of the Balearics government, is denying that he had any part in alerting the Andratx officials. Surprise would be if he said he had. Notwithstanding this denial, the opposition is calling for his head and for a statement by the national leader of the PP.


New restaurant mention: there is now a new pizzeria - Pane y Vino - opposite Comics and Little Britain in Puerto Alcúdia.


Wo-aah! What was that I was saying about the weather. It got nice around lunchtime, then mid-afternoon ... Jesus. Back in the safety of home, there was a noise. Thought it was something upstairs. Looked out. A tree from the neighbour’s garden snapped off and right across the road. I got soaked through trying to shift it - too much for one person - when two guys came round the corner and between us we managed to move some of it, and then the fire boys pitched up with their saws. What money on “The Bulletin” wheeling out its regular headline “What A Day / Night” (delete as applicable)?

2001. That was it. 2001. December. The big storm here. Don’t anyone tell you it’s always lovely weather in Mallorca.

Corruption / Index for November

Murkier, and murkier. The Andratx case is taking more twists than a Mallorcan mountain road. Seemingly, someone gave a tip-off to those targeted by the investigation. All those who might be responsible for such a tip-off are denying it: the Guardia, the Partido Popular, and the opposition socialists. Whoever did make the tip-off succeeded up to a point. Some documents have been either totally or partially destroyed.

In the days leading up to the arrest of Sr.Hidalgo, the now ex-Mayor of Andratx, he met with both Jose María Rodriguez, the General Secretary of the PP, and Jaume Matas, the Balearic government leader (also PP). Both deny giving a tip-off.

Meanwhile, there was - apparently - an anonymous call made to the government claiming that other councils were to be raided, something denied by the Guardia. Quite why the PP have said that there was this call is a bit of a mystery, though the socialists (PSOE-PSIB) believe this was to pre-empt the matter being reported to the police.

As for the socialists, the PP seem to think that they were given information about the operation in Andratx. Why do they think this? Well, it also turns out that the director-general of the Guardia and National Police here was a former member of the Balearic government when the socialists were in power, and remains a member.


Air travel - 6 November 2006
Alcúdia industrial estate - 16 November 2006
All-inclusives - 9 November 2006
Andratx - 29 November 2006, 30 November 2006
Blog anniversary - 1 November 2006
Building work - 16 November 2006
Carretera Arta - 1 November 2006, 16 November 2006
Christmas presents - 4 November 2006
Climate change - 2 November 2006, 6 November 2006
Corruption - 29 November 2006, 30 November 2006
Costa Nord estate agency - 16 November 2006
Environment - 2 November 2006, 6 November 2006
“Euro Weekly” - 9 November 2006
Guardia Civil - 29 November 2006
Hidalgo, Eugenio - 29 November 2006
Jabon Bon - 4 November 2006
Jenkins, Simon - 6 November 2006
La Placeta - 16 November 2006
Little Britain (supermarket) - 4 November 2006
Lu-Lu’s Bistro - 3 November 2006
Massot, Jaume - 29 November 2006, 30 November 2006
Money-laundering - 29 November 2006
Pollensa Fair - 3 November 2006, 8 November 2006
Pricing - 9 November 2006
Promotion - 3 November 2006, 8 November 2006
Property - 30 November 2006
Restaurants - 1 November 2006
Reviews, hotel/restaurant - 12 November 2006
Roads - 1 November 2006
Scam - 12 November 2006
Season’s end - 3 November 2006
“Sunday Times, The” - 12 November 2006
Tourism economics - 1 November 2006, 9 November 2006, 16 November 2006
Weather - 16 November 2006, 29 November 2006, 30 November 2006
Websites - 12 November 2006
Winter tourism - 9 November 2006

Corruption / Weather

Well, more on the Andratx story. Seems that Sr. Massot, the planning chief, operated his own property business as well. Now, why would he do that? Moreover, Interpol’s been brought in as there are connections with bank accounts in Switzerland and France. All starts to get a tad murky. Apparently, other Mallorcan municipalities are also under suspicion, though neither Pollensa nor Alcúdia is one of them.

More worries also about the image that all this gives. Despite my positive spin yesterday, there is a real issue here, not least if it turns out that people have bought properties on land that was not registered for building purposes. That is a worry, and it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened in Spain (which is why one needs to be ever so careful when buying in Spain).


And weather ... November was warmer than usual, by up to and over 3 degrees in certain places. Global warming, I’m telling you ... global warming.

Corruption

For all you fans of this blog who might have wondered why there has been silence for a bit - well, I was in England, and not just in England but also taking a rest from the Internet. For those of us whose work revolves around the Net, it is good to get a break from something that can become too all-consuming.


So much for that. Back in Mallorca, and there is a ripping scandal unfolding in Andratx on the island’s south-west coast. The mayor, Eugenio Hidalgo, has been arrested on suspicion of corruption and money-laundering. For Spanish watchers, this will probably come as little surprise. However, the regularity with which those in public life are being collared is both alarming and reassuring. A senior police officer in Palma was recently arrested for taking bribes. Back on 6 September, I reported that the head of the Balearics Guardia Civil was under investigation for misuse of funds. On the mainland, there was the scandal that hit Marbella (surprise, surprise) earlier this year.

Arrested along with Hidalgo was Jaume Massot, the Balearics director-general for planning. Apparently, some 40 people are under suspicion.

This all has to do with alleged kickbacks in the classification of land for building, while the money-laundering charge has also to do with the possible purchase of winning lottery tickets in the days before winners’ names were published. Hidalgo claims that his wealth came from winning a Christmas lottery, but was it his ticket or someone else’s?

Of course, he has not been found guilty, nor has Massot, but the arrests have led to some soul-searching here regarding the image of the island. But it isn’t just a Mallorcan problem; it is a Spanish problem.

My take on this is that there is still a feeling - held by some - that it is ok to flout rules in the hope that mates in high places will take no action. In Hidalgo’s case, he was once a member of the Guardia Civil. If he had felt that this was a good cover, then he was wrong. It is the Guardia’s Serious Fraud Squad which is pursuing the investigation. The fact also that the scandal is headlining across Spain means that there is unlikely to be a lack of transparency.

While acknowledging that corruption can occur anywhere, this latest case highlights - possibly - the last throes of the old way of thinking. I have commented before on the immature nature of Spanish democracy, which is not a criticism but a fact. Corruption is a facet of the undemocratic society, and Spain is still only 30 years into its learning curve. More worrying would be the lack of will to pursue corruption. But this is not the case. The strength of actions, led by the Guardia, to tackle corruption is evidence of a strengthing institutional basis that is fundamental to a functioning democracy. (It should also be noted that both Hidalgo and Massot are associated with the Partido Popular, the ruling party in the Balearics.)

Whither Hidalgo? Who knows? But the case, far from being seen as a negative comment on Mallorcan life, should be seen as a positive - one that may finally rid the island and the country of the mentality that it is acceptable to treat the rules as options.


Weather note: November has seen almost unbroken calm and warm weather. But that old thing of the month’s end bringing a change is at it again. Overnight, there was lightning and thunder, and the temperature has dropped significantly, bearing in mind that Sa Pobla was registering 24 degrees three days ago.

Building work / Tourism economics / La Placeta

Winter time. Time for construction.

Most building work is not permitted during the season, so there is always a flurry of activity out of season. Just some of the main bits of work are the development of Alcúdia’s industrial estate, the roundabouts on the Carrtera Arta in Puerto Alcúdia, and the redevelopment of Costa Nord’s offices also in Puerto Alcúdia.

Much of the groundwork for the industrial estate seems to have been done, the road layout now quite discernible; the roundabout at the intersection of Puerto Alcúdia and Playa de Muro has been roughly laid out awaiting its actual construction; the old Costa Nord office has been totally demolished and will be rebuilt. Meantime, the estate agency is in offices on C/. Barques next to Es Cap Roig. One trusts that when the new building is done, one will be able to close the door properly.


More predictions of an even better season next year come from MyTravel and TUI, though the latter concedes that there may be a slight increase in all-inclusive offers.


Another change of ownership to announce, also in Pollensa. La Placeta restaurant is now under Katie and Marshall, and they offer a more British-style menu which looks extremely enticing. The previously rather drab interior has been given a bit of a facelift, largely via the simple expedient of not arranging the tables like in a classroom. There is an altogether lighter feel to the place. And La Placeta does benefit from its position on the small square next to the church. The hotel has not changed hands.


And the weather ... It really has been remarkable. I bumped into Andy from MYCT (Mallorca Yacht Charter Training) today, and he was in flip-flops and t-shirt. But word is tomorrow it all changes.

Reviews scam

Here’s something really interesting; something really interesting I’m surprised it’s taken so long to be exposed. “The Sunday Times” reports today on a “scam” whereby reviews of hotels and restaurants are posted onto various websites, not by discerning guests but by owners or marketing companies operating on their behalf, or by those with an axe to grind or to knock the competition. Well, tell me something surprising.

Among the sites mentioned is TripAdvisor, one of the biggest. The shock - to me - is that anyone is shocked, except of course that biased info is being offered, which isn’t always fair in love, war and business. There are sites, like HolidayTruths, which - it seems to me - do their utmost to weed out unreliable posts and stick to those from the punter. But of course even those aren’t really that reliable. One man’s meat is another’s vomit, or something like that.

I have an interest in all this. On the main websites, as linked here, such as www.thealcudiaguide.com, comments can be made about named establishments. There are also forums. Frankly, and maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I have always been a tad wary of forums as they can be abused, so one has to watch posts like a hawk. And that’s the thing. If you’re going to go down the route that Amazon set in train all those years ago, and accept reviews or comments you have to be prepared to scrutinise every one. And that I do, though even then you can’t be entirely sure, except if something is so gushing or so critical, you have to question it. That’s why, for instance, I email back - I suspect not everyone knows their email address can be accessed (as with the charmer who said of one restaurant’s chefs that they were all pigs and working illegally) - and sometimes it bounces, or sometimes it is anonymous, or sometimes you just know ...

Most sites will claim to be moderated, but there is moderation, and there is automation and moderation. I practise no automation. I won’t say that nothing will get past me, but I’ll do my damnedest to stop it.


Weather check: after several days of glorious weather, a shift to a bit of grey, but still pretty pleasant for the time of year.

All-inclusives / Tourism economics

There are times I wonder about the local published media. Back on 30 September I referred to the non-story about dog-fouling in Alcúdia that “Euro Weekly” had produced as a front-page splash. In the latest issue there is something about all-inclusives: they should be banned. Hmm, interesting you might think, until you become aware that the call for this ban comes from the owner of a bookshop in Palmanova. Now, she’s quite entitled to her opinion, but that opinion carries no weight; certainly not enough to base a newspaper item around. What can we expect next? Lenny of Bar Poop in Magaluf* calls for British troops to be pulled out of Iraq?

If it were, let’s say, the Balearic Tourism Minister making such a call for ban, then it would merit some attention, but seriously this ... Ok as a letter, but as an article?

To make matters worse, the same lady is then quoted as saying that the government should influence tour operators in order to boost winter tourism. They can influence all they like, but a key reason why Mallorca is no longer a significant winter destination is because people can fly to warmer climes that much more cheaply than they used to be able to and because people are offered that much wider a choice. That’s tour operators for you.

And then ... she also calls for a cap on prices.

Oh, gawsh. If one wishes to, one can go back to 30 August when the subject of price controls came up, and I begged to differ.

But what I also wonder, taking account of this gem of an item and the previous front page story, is whether I am guilty of an irony by-pass. Are they intended to be ironic? Must be.

Now, I might be open to a charge that what I blog is just my opinion, and that would be right. But blogging and newspaper reports are two different things. Newspapers form opinion far more strongly than certainly this blog ever will, and so there is an obligation to be journalistic not just in choice of source but also in the pursuit of balance.

(* As far as I am aware, there is neither a Bar Poop in Magaluf nor a Lenny.)


Anyway, to weightier matters. Rafael Nadal, well-known Mallorcan tennis-player, pitched up at the Balearics stand at the World Travel Fair in London to lend support to Joan Flaquer (the tourism minister) and his chums. It is not known if Rafa had anything to say about all-inclusives, Iraq or global warming, but Sr. Flaquer waxed favourably about the prospects for 2007 tourism, despite rises in hotel prices. The major British and German operators are pointing to rise in demand; the level of Brit tourism to the islands is expected to be up by two to three per cent. Record year. Record year. Same old record. But if the all-inclusives were to be banned ...

Pollensa Fair

Well, managed to get hold of a copy of the fair leaflet - thanks to Shirley at Waves. Have translated it as best I can given my almost total absence of Catalan/Mallorquin. As ever, the publicity is hardly linguistically-friendly but also as ever an arm and a leg has been spent on producing it. In the size of a CD cover, it comes in a plastic CD-style holder. Bearing in mind Pollensa town hall’s seriously in the red, it does seem a tad OTT.

Anyway, that arm and a leg. The cover shows what is thought to be the arm from some doll or other. I don’t know what the hell it is; looks to me like a plumbing implement or a sex toy. Utterly strange.

For the programme go to www.wotzupnorth.blogspot.com (What’s On Blog). The fair starts 10 November and closes 13 November.

Environment

The environment. Suddenly this has zoomed into prominence on this blog. Already this month I have alluded to the potential impact of rising sea levels in the north Mallorca area. And by the way, when I spoke about the coastal areas of Playa de Muro and Can Picafort maybe being overwhelmed by the sea, I failed to point out that 300 years ago the sea did encroach.

But there is another thing. In “The Sunday Times” (5 November), the admirable Simon Jenkins discussed the implications of the Stern report. In essence, he argued that - inter alia - the cost of mobility, especially air travel, must once again become the privilege of the rich. The emissions created by cheap and an abundance of aviation fuel have to be tackled. One way of doing so is to pass on the costs of curbing climate change to the individual, thus creating much higher costs of air travel. This runs counter to a free market, something of which Jenkins is generally a wholehearted supporter; it also runs counter to the growth of cheap air travel. It is cheap air travel that has helped to make overseas holidays affordable to those who were previously excluded - on the grounds of price. It is cheap air travel that now fuels - as it were - the holiday industry. It is cheap air travel that brings with it the record numbers passing through Palma Airport and the need to extend the airport’s terminal.

Take away that cheap air travel, and this can only be done by significant governmental intervention co-ordinated across nations, and we would never again witness a record year of visitors to Mallorca, as has been the case this year.

Some while ago I outlined the use of the simple SWOT technique as a way for businesses to assess themselves. The “T” refers to threats. Here is one such. Not just a small “t”, but a whacking great big one. Make air travel that much more expensive, and all the gripes about the impact of all-inclusives will seem like playground spats. This would be grown-ups’ stuff. The impact on economies such as the local one would be immense.

Is there anyone thinking about this? Spanish Government, Balearic Government, Mallorca council, local authorities, tour operators, airlines, hotels, island’s businesses? Richard Branson is at least looking to start a discussion, from which British Airways has notably excluded itself, but as for others - if they are not thinking about all this, I suggest that they start.

Christmas presents

Christmas presents. AAAGHH! Every year, it just gets more difficult. And for those of us planning to take pressies back to Blighty, the news that Palma Airport is to come under the new hand-luggage restrictions as from 6 November means that choice gets that bit more tricky. For the sake of avoiding any hassle or carrying too big an item of hand-luggage, out really go the breakables that might otherwise have been taken on board. So, the only thing is to go small, go unbreakable and pack it in the suitcase. Some help is at hand - the Little Britain mini-market features Aurora’s soaps. Now, Aurora is taking a back-seat at Little Britain to concentrate on the soap business started by her daughter in Inca. Called Jabon Bon, the soaps are quite remarkable, so much so that they are getting orders to supply from across the island. But the packs of soaps make great gifts, and they are easily transportable. The mini-market each Saturday morning on the terrace in front of Little Britain in Puerto Alcúdia.

End of season / Lu-Lu’s / Pollensa Fair

The season over, and the weather just seems to have given up. Nothing dramatic, just a sudden slip into the middling grey mixed with some sun that can be something of the norm, temperatures down to about 18 degrees. At least the mosquitoes seem to have pissed off, for which one should be extremely grateful. They were barely about for most of the summer, but in September and October they made up for their earlier inactivity in a frenzy of biting, though there appears to be little evidence that the tiger mosquito has crossed the seas from the mainland - yet.

For some, the season’s end is a new experience. Kevin at JKs in Puerto Pollensa was saying how places like the Miramar hotel were open one moment and then suddenly closed the next and there was nobody around. It is a curious thing - the season’s end; for those of us living here it does take a bit of adjustment from the constant bustle of the previous seven months. It is almost like a bereavement: one moment it’s there, the next moment it’s gone, but life still carries on.


A change of ownership in Pollensa. The former Tetera, then The Tavern and 7 under Darren, and more recently still 7 under “Military Intelligence” Tony, has transformed itself into Lu-Lu’s Bistro, with Chris and Lucy. And very nice it looks, too. A new menu and a cosy feel should make it go well during the winter months.


One beef that has knocked around on this blog has been the lack of promotional material in different languages produced by the town halls. Absence of languages and absence of material at all, at least in the case of Pollensa’s fair, which is coming up. I spied a copy of a little brochure in Pollensa’s Cafë L’Illa, but it was the only they had, so I had to take my dirty paws off of it. So, I trooped round to the tourist office and asked Pep for a copy. He didn’t have one; nor could he find anything on the marvellous (!?) town hall website. Hey ho. Anyway, when and if I get one I’ll translate it and shove the info onto wotzupnorth.blogspot.com.

Environment

Sir Nicholas Stern’s report into the impact of climate change is as welcome as it is deeply alarming. I am not a rabid environmentalist. Like many I suspect, my environmentalism burrows gently under the surface, a largely neglected Swampy creating an itch I can’t quite eliminate. But I have started to take more notice. Those stand-by devices are now all switched off; the kettle is filled with what water is needed; any thoughts of a 4x4 have been turned off.

All small things in the wider system, but a worry is just how swiftly the environment could now change. In Britain, the temperatures for September and October were up by an average 0.7 degrees; we have just registered the hottest Mallorcan October on record. Of course it could just be “one of those things”, but the scientific community (and others) seem to think differently. A 2-degree increase in temperatures would wreak some pretty damaging changes.

The sea. The sea levels would rise. Coastal areas would be at risk. I live by the sea. Many people in Mallorca live by the sea. Many people in Mallorca live at sea level. Many people who live at sea level in Mallorca have very expensive properties. Many people who live at sea level in Mallorca can find no sea defences next to or near to where they live.

Imagine: a society (Mallorca) which - apart from fishing - used to find no use for the coast. Areas like Playa de Muro and Can Picafort were untouched; they were useless - nothing could grow. And then they found a use - tourism, hotels, luxury houses, less-than-luxury houses. And then one day ... the waters come.

Simple answer is to move. But so perhaps should many others, leaving behind worthless houses, worthless hotels and worthless land.

Far-fetched? Could you say for sure it wouldn’t happen?

Tourism economics / Roads / Blog Anniversary / Index for October

And so it was, after all, a record year. Mallorca and the Balearics received more visitors than at any time in the past, the Mallorcan numbers up by nearly 9% on last year, largely thanks to the Spanish and German markets. Moreover, spend was up, despite what everyone was saying. If businesses aren’t reaping the benefits then one has to draw certain conclusions, setting aside the all-inclusive influence: that there are too many businesses, and so demand is spread across too great a supply; or that prices are too high; or that quality isn’t that great. On 24 October, I reported that restaurant spend appeared to be down. So, if overall spend is up but that in restaurants is down - relatively - then perhaps it is a price issue.

A couple in Alcúdia who have been here for many a year and sampled many a restaurant maintain that, save for certain dishes in certain restaurants, they would not recommend one restaurant in Alcúdia. Bit harsh, I think, and these things do tend to be a tad subjective. But they also say that things are overpriced and that restaurants are cutting corners.

Whatever the reasons though, there is a dynamic at play that no-one seems able to explain satisfactorily. As next year is meant to be as good - in terms of numbers (or even a bit better if Thomas Cook can be believed), then maybe we will start to get some real answers.


One of this blog’s targets has been the state of some of the roads locally, e.g. the carretera from the Magic Roundabout in Puerto Alcúdia. Well, it seems that there is some fair bit of work going to be done. A report doesn’t actually say that it will be resurfaced - though it badly needs it - but that there will be the introduction of more crossing-points and a new roundabout at the top of the Greasy Mile. The crossing-points are fine; trouble is, no one takes much notice of them. But if the risk of crossing the carretera can be reduced, the road development is to be welcomed.


And today is the first anniversary of this blog. It is, and always will be, somewhat eclectic in its coverage; it is, and always will be, a mix of hard facts (albeit that they are subject to some scepticism), opinion, and a touch of - at times I hope - humour. It is also a reflection of things that I am told, some of which have to be discarded as tittle-tattle or downright libels.

Anyway, I’ve looked at the index entries that are presented each month, and which I guess give a flavour of some of the more important topics I deal with and also some of the relatively shortlived ones and some of the less likely. The two most frequently indexed subjects for the year were weather and tourism economics, the latter being one of the reasons for starting the blog - namely to look to try and create something of a reference for what is such an important issue locally. Other regular entries were for driving and accidents (much of it shameful), all-inclusives (which some also categorise as shameful), and smoking/tobacco (and that was a “burning” topic for much of the last 12 months).

Those subjects that lasted only a fairly brief time were jellyfish, and the invasion that never was, and the World Cup, especially the bizarre coverage on the La Sexta television channel. Then there were some “targets”, such as Stupid Fat White Men (and the obesity issue) and “holiday brains” as well as baby buggies and beach tents, the ensaimada, Ecuadorean pipe musicians, the Garbi hole, and Elvis impersonators.

One topic that ran for much of the 12 months was the Pollensa branding exercise and the website - www.pollensa.com - which finally, after much slagging-off here, seems to now be available in different languages.

There was sadness - much of it to do with road deaths - the boys killed near to the Cala San Vicente turn, the Thomson reps run down in Puerto Alcúdia - and then there was the passing-away of Manolo of Costa Nord, the death (in a road accident) of William Giverin Sr., and the departure from the local scene of Ben Layton (and Michelle) and Liliane Delmas.

And finally there were mentions of bars, cafés, restaurants, shops, hotels etc. - not all of them honourable but usually so. Here’s the roll-call of those establishments that have been name-checked here: Algar, Bar Mallorca, Bar Pepe, Barquita, Brunel, Bon Camí, Bony, Boy, Burger King, Caliu, Calvari, Campsa Garage, Can Tomas, Canny Lad, Cas Capella, Chess, Chivas, Club Pollença, Colber, Columbus, Comics, Costa Nord, Crédito Balear, Cultural, Dakota Tex-Mex, Dreams, El 7, El Mojito, Epcot, Eroski Syp, Foxes, Galeria Joan XXIII, Gran Café (in both Puerto Alcúdia and Puerto Pollensa, the former now L’Illa), Guru, Habitacle, Hospital d’Alcúdia, Hotels/Aparthotels etc - Alcúdia Pins, Alcúdia Suite, Bellevue, Club Mac, Coral de Mar, Daina, Delfin Azul, Don Pedro, Dunas Park, Eden Playa, Estrella de Sur, Flora, Garden Lago, Habitat, Iberostars, La Moraleja, Lagomonte, Las Gaviotas, Niu, Orquidea Playa, Parc Natural, Playa Esperanza, Playa Garden, Pollensa Park, Siestas, Sunwing Resort, Viva Alcúdia Sun Village, Viva Bahía - Iona, Irish Tavern, JKs, Jam Bar, Jokers, Juma, Kashmir, Kudos, La Sala, L’Illa, Lineker’s, Little Britain, Llomgar, MM Foods, Makassar, Mestizo, Mulligans, Nag’s Head, Neptuno, O’Hara’s, Olivers, Open Holidays, Rancho Grande, Rose and Crown (which was closed all summer), Sa Pobla Cricket Club, Sa Taverneta d’es Moll, Scuba Mallorca, Special Divers, Tango, Temple, Tiberi, Tukys, U Gallet, Vogue Properties.

And who has had a personal name-check? Here is a list of local folk, celebs, dead people, bands that have all appeared during the past 12 months:

Bryan Adams; Florian Albert (former Hungarian footballer); Luis Aragones; Danny Baker; Julie and Michel, Barquita; The Beach Boys; David Beckham; Captain Beefheart; Ben, formerly of Jacks and Comics; Richie Benaud; Alastair Black, Germany; Tony Blair; Suzanne, Bon Camí; Garry Bonsall; Francesc de Borja Moll; Cati, Boy; Manuel Bragado (“Estrella del Sur”); Marcus Brigstocke; Gordon Brown; John and Em, Brunel; Graham Burgess (former cricketer); George W. Bush; Mick Channon; Ian, Chess/El 7/Iona; Christian, Campsa Garage; Billy Cobham; Christopher Columbus; Julio and Matt, Comics; Chick Corea; Manolo, Costa Nord; Mateu Crespí (politician); Marjorie Dawes; Jack Dee; Liliane Delmas, Aguafun; Francisca Díauno de Abril (April Fool); Michael Douglas; Paco, Dreams; Michael, Epcot; Samuel Eto’o; Enrique Fajarnés (politician); Percy Faith and his Orchestra; Joan Flaquer (Balearic Minister for Tourism); Louise Foster, Vogue Properties; James and Karen, Foxes; General Franco; Fresh Prince of Bel Air; Geralt (director of Crédito Balear branch that was closed after a raid); George Giri (“Daily Bulletin”); William Giverin, Kudos; Monica Gonzalez (“Ultima Hora”); Tim Hames (“The Times”); Jimi Hendrix; Ian Hislop; Jane and Kevin, JKs; Simon Jenkins (“The Times”); Josep, Pollensa Tourist Office; Anatole Kaletsky (“The Times”); Gabriel, Kashmir; King Juan Carlos; Jürgen Klinsmann; Anna Kournikova; Trevor and Stuart, La Sala; Riki Lash (“Daily Bulletin”); Leapy Lee; Gary Lineker; Wayne Lineker; Aurora, Tony, Steve, all of Little Britain; Dave and Polly, MM Foods; Juan, Makassar and Tiberi; The Mamas and the Papas; Tomas, Marinas in Cala San Vicente; Jaume Matas (leader of the Balearic Government); Ian McEwan; Kenneth McKellar; Jonathan Meades; Lt-Gen Mena; Jim Morrison; María Antonia Munar (head of the Mallorca council); Mungo Jerry; Rupert Murdoch; Ardal O’Hanlon; Mick et al, Olivers; Matthew Parris (“The Times”); Pau, Supermarket Colber; Jonathan Pearce; Graham Philips (letter writer to the “Daily Bulletin”); Elvis Presley; Gori, Rancho Grande; The Residents; Cliff Richard; Right Said Fred; The Rubettes; Manu, Sa Taverneta d’es Moll; Julio Salinas; Pere Sampol (politician); Martin Samuel (“The Times”); Sant Sebastià; Maria Sharapova; Sandie Shaw; The Style Council; Sylvia; Derek Taylor (former cricketer); Hugh Thomas (author); The Thompson Twins; Throbbing Gristle; Fred Trueman; Brian Wilson; Harold Wilson; Steve Wright; Mike Yarwood; The Young Rascals; José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero


Index for October 2006

Bars - 6 October 2006
Bonsall, Garry - 19 October 2006
Can Ramis - 19 October 2006
Car-rental tax - 26 October 2006
Cycling - 6 October 2006
Driving - 2 October 2006, 6 October 2006, 18 October 2006
Elvis Presley impersonators - 3 October 2006
Energy - 29 October 2006
Ensaimada - 22 October 2006
Environment - 29 October 2006
Fire station - 18 October 2006
Foreign Office - 10 October 2006
Gotmar - 19 October 2006
Noise - 6 October 2006
Obesity - 12 October 2006
Palma Airport - 6 October 2006
Parking - 19 October 2006
“Part Forana” - 19 October 2006
Payment - 24 October 2006
Power station - 29 October 2006
Rape - 10 October 2006, 12 October 2006
Rental-accommodation regulations - 18 October 2006
Restaurants - 24 October 2006
Road accidents - 6 October 2006, 29 October 2006
Ryanair - 6 October 2006
Season’s end - 19 October 2006, 30 October 2006
Speeding - 18 October 2006
Tobacco selling - 26 October 2006, 29 October 2006
Tourism economics - 11 October 2006, 18 October 2006, 22 October 2006, 24 October 2006
Trafico - 2 October 2006, 6 October 2006
Weather - 2 October 2006, 10 October 2006, 12 October 2006, 22 October 2006, 26 October 2006, 30 October 2006

Weather / End of season

And as I was saying (22 October), this is the hottest October on record - at least according to the nearby Sa Pobla weather station. Today it has been 27 degrees, or 81 in old money. But a number of us have put the long trousers on once more - almost out of habit for the time of year; shorts are still really rather necessary. Strange, given the heat, that everything is now shutting down big time. Some places will close tomorrow, and after that ... very quiet. The roads are even now showing a difference, the drive along the carretera from Puerto Alcúdia to Playa de Muro is pleasant for the first time in many months. The clocks going back on Saturday night change things, too. The sun dips that much earlier (well, an hour more or less), and it’s dark by around 6.30 in the evening, so even if one is able to get some rays on the admittedly rather chilly beaches one needs to be in situ pretty early; none of this going to the beach at 5 o’clock like in the summer.

The winter is expected to be even quieter than before with only one tour operator maintaining anything like regular offers through the winter. Mallorca has never been that busy in winter, but now - as there are so many alternatives for people to choose as winter destinations - Mallorca has less appeal. The weather may be blissful right now, but it won’t last.

Environment / Tobacco sales / Road accidents

The European Union’s environment commission has issued national figures for emissions. They make pretty grim reading, especially where Spain is concerned. It is predicted that by 2010, Spain will have exceeded its 1990 levels by 51%; the increase permitted under Kyoto is 15%. This is attributed largely to extreme weather, for which read heat, and the burning of fossil fuels. Though parts of Spain do get very cold in winter, the general requirement for fuel-burning is to run summer (and winter) air-conditioning (heating) units. The level of demand can get so great that there are outages - as occurred in Mallorca during the roasting summer of 2003.

There is something absurd about the environmental contradictions here. The nature reserve of Albufera abuts Alcúdia, being contained within the municipalities of Muro and Sa Pobla. This is an area of ecological sensitivity. The new industrial estate is being built on its Alcúdia border. As previously mentioned, environmental measures for the new estate will be - so we are told - more or less exemplary. Fair enough. Yet next to the site of the industrial estate is a whacking great power station, a power station that is run on coal; coal that is transported in dirty trucks from the port of Alcúdia. I make no claim to being any sort of expert, but I cannot help but feel that some economic re-thinking could come up with a solution to power most dwellings and other establishments with direct solar power. One thing Mallorca does have a lot of is sun; the reason why so much air-con is needed.

There is also an issue regarding housing stock. Much of it is simply not designed well enough or insulated sufficiently (if at all) to combat the winters. Even when it is quite warm outside, houses can be freezing inside. Wood-burners are one thing, but otherwise the need is for oil, electricity or - the most ridiculous of all - butane gas. Which leads on to the preponderance of space-heaters. Cafés with terraces use these through the winter. Lord alone knows what damage they do.

Still at least the authorities are trying. There are currently subsidies on offer from the Balearic Government to trade in old appliances - fridges, washing machines etc. 80 euros discount for acquiring a Class A energy-efficient replacement. No mention of air-con units though. One positive thing - at least there is no need for any heating yet. Indeed the duvets have had to be put back in the wardrobes; it is still very warm.


Further to the report on a possible amendment to the tobacco-sales regulations, the central government’s Balearics representative has hinted that there could be “measures” taken against the Balearic Government if it goes ahead with its proposed amendment.


And on the roads ... the death toll on the main roads has gone down since the introduction of the licence points system, but the number of pedestrians and motorcyclists killed has gone up this year - quite markedly. No doubt this is partly down to rank bad driving, as with the death of the Thomson reps back in May, but motorcyclists (and cyclists) can be every bit as much at fault. The trick of “under-taking” by motorcyclists is an accident waiting to happen, and the flagrant disregard of just about every rule of the road by cyclists ... oh, don’t get me started.

Car-rental tax / Tobacco sales

As this blog closes in on its first anniversary (1 November), it is somewhat coincidental that an item I ran in the first entry - the proposed car-rental tax - has cropped up again, if only for it to be reported that there will be no car-rental tax, which frankly is just as well.


As for an issue that emerged early this year - the ban on tobacco sales outside of licensed stores - there appears to be some back-tracking, in that sales of cigarettes are likely to be allowed in a new category of “tourist shop” but only from vending-machines. Well, I suppose it helps the shopowners who have been hit by the restrictions up to a point, but personally I still believe that the restriction of sales of cartons of cigarettes to the “estancos” is a form of monopoly.


And with a few days left of October, the weather is still quite remarkable - warm verging on the hot.

Payment / Restaurants

So I go to a client last Friday with an invoice. Come by Monday morning for payment, says he. I duly go. No payment. He has forgotten. Come back tomorrow, i.e. today. I go back. Girl in the office knows nothing about it. I call him. Ok, I’ll call her and she’ll pay. He calls. She wonders if I have a copy of the invoice. No, I’d left it here on Friday. She looks. Can’t find it. Can I come back with a copy later ... . And so it goes. Another client - the invoice was left and dated 5 September. Was due to be paid 15 September. It wasn’t. The partner (there’s always a partner) hasn’t left a cheque. Payments are always made 15th of the month. So I am back in October. Did I not give you the number of the partner, says client. No. Oh. I call the partner. Let me speak to the client. And so it goes.

It isn’t that they won’t pay, but they are indicative of an organisational malaise that sometimes makes me wonder how businesses here can ever function.


And this latter case was a restaurant. According to the latest load of figures, the number of clients going to Mallorcan restaurants this season has increased by 5% over last year, with those in Alcúdia at around 10%. Cheery news indeed, except that the amount spent has dropped, something we already knew, or at least had guessed at.

The heads of the Mallorcan Restaurant Association and PIMEM (the association of small to medium-sized businesses) say that this is evidence of a better year and of the positive effect of more weekend breaks (Alcúdia incidentally had the highest number of weekend stays in September in any Spanish tourist area). It is also pointed out that restaurants in tourist areas had been hit by all-inclusives, though this type of offer is “diminishing”. Is it really? I find that hard to believe.

Ensaimada / Weather/ Tourism economics

I don´t know, am I missing something? Back on 14 August I had a dig at the ensaimada, the local pastry “delicacy”. Mallorcan Ensaimada Day has just been celebrated. Without wishing to sound unduly harsh about one item of local cuisine, I can think of many other foods that are worthy of devoting a day to rather than the ensaimada. Does anyone find it anything better than dull and fattening?


With no obvious change to the warm weather over the next few days, this October could become the hottest on record. Despite the blip mentioned on 12 October, it has been a fine month, and the final week of the season - for the English half-term - looks as if it should be ok.


September saw 1.5 million visitors coming to the Balearics, an increase of just over 6% on the same month in 2005, with the German market being particularly strong. Apparently 8.9 million international visitors came to the Balearics in the first nine months of the year.

End of season / Building works / Gotmar residents

And so the season starts to run down, some places having closed, the weather beginning to take on its autumnal feel. In Playa de Muro, the Alcúdia Suite Apartments already have whitewashed windows, the Chinese in Las Gaviotas has its windows plastered with newspaper. Such closures give the place a strange feel even to those of us who live here; for tourists it must be even odder, as though they are intruding.

And yet there are a lot of people still around. Scottish half-term and holidays in certain German states see to that. In Puerto Pollensa, JKs Bar had a packed crowd for the Celtic match on Tuesday evening. The English half-term now kicks in and, after that, that will pretty much be it - and the Mallorcan winter will have officially started.


Many months ago I mentioned the value of the “Part Forana” freebie newspaper. The current issue is once again quite useful, assuming you can understand the Spanish. There is a report on the start of work in converting the Can Ramis building in Alcúdia; this is the rather ramshackle affair by the taxi rank and market square in the old town. It will become the new location for the tourist office (a blessing as the existing one can be a tad difficult to find), and there will be a cafateria and shelter for those waiting for buses.

There is a different form of building due to start in Puerto Pollensa, namely the establishment of a proper parking lot on what is the waste-ground opposite the site of the new school. There will also be a “green zone” and a children’s park.

A rather grainy photo shows a gathering of the Gotmar (Puerto Pollensa) residents’ association. Not a thing generally worthy of note here, except that the photo shows (just about) the president addressing the masses, this being none other than Garry Bonsall, dentist of this parish. As Gotmar is home to Spanish, British and Germans, it is a sound choice of representative as Garry is fluent in all the languages, and can even do your bridge work in several languages.

Updates / Fire station

Some updating. Latest figures of cheer - September hotel occupancy in Mallorca rose by over 4 per cent this year.

The two-week crackdown on speeding in the Balearics netted over 400 drivers, albeit that this represented a mere 1.8% of vehicles that were checked.

The holiday rental-accommodation regulations resulted in over 2,200 applications for official registration, the greatest number (about a third of all) being in Pollensa. The English reporting of this still refers to “flats”, though the Spanish refers to “viviendas” (dwellings), and I’m still a tad confused given what was reported here on 9 September, namely “that apartments are not covered, i.e. the regulations are focused on villas etc.” Oh well, presumably those who have registered know what they have registered.


Alcudia is geting its own state-of-the-art fire station, which hopefully will cut down on the number of “bomberos” who race up and down the carretera out front of where I live - they come from Can Picafort, which is the nearest station at present for the area. The new station will be close to the by-pass that runs at the back of Bellevue, its exact location meaning that if you happen to be staying at the likes of the Garden Lago, Lagomonte or the Macs they could more or less turn the hoses on without moving.

Weather / Rape / Fat People

Ah yea, of course there was I saying how wonderful the weather was - even agreeing with Helen, the delightful lady who works on reception at Alcúdia hospital yesterday, that October is one of the best months - and then it goes and absolutely pisses down today. Great banks of blackness rolling in from the Tramuntana mountains and wallop, huge torrents.


Sad to say that, despite the Portuguese charmer being banged up, there has been another rape incident in Alcúdia. FO, over to you.


On the back of last night’s wretched loss to Croatia, we can at least console ourselves that the English (indeed British) lead Europe in one thing - the size of their bellies. Official stats show the Brits to be true European-, nay world-class when it comes to fatness. The Spanish, despite rising concerns as to the amount of junk food consumed (and a long-held addiction to snacking, especially crisps) are quite some way back, level-pegging with the Germans, which may come as a surprise when one considers some of the whales that get beached here from Germany every summer. But there again, a stroll down the Greasy Mile of an evening, and one can see only too well for oneself what the problem is. Time for Marjorie Dawes.

Tourism economics

On the back of what his boss, Jaume Matas, had to say (reported 30 September), tourism minister Joan Flaquer has announced that Balearics tourism has indeed fully recovered, as evidenced by the fact that tourist spending - for this season - has increased by five per cent. Well ok, I suppose we have to take his word for it, though how this figure is actually evaluated I haven’t a clue, and of course many people won’t believe it, or if they do believe it, won’t feel that they have been the beneficiaries. But whatever, 2006 is set to have been one of the best summers of all. Depends how you measure it though, doesn’t it.

Rape / Weather in October

Rape. Not a nice subject to raise. But there again there are some less than nice people knocking around. A Portuguese has been detained on suspicion of the alleged rape of at least two women in Puerto Alcúdia.

Now this subject was the cause of a little friction between the Balearic Government and the Foreign Office earlier this year, i.e. when the FO posted news of rapes in Calvia. It wasn’t that the FO was advising against going, but the authorities here felt too much was made of the problem. To some extent they were right: it is unfortunately something that can happen anywhere. But a warning is still surely appropriate. As far as I can see, the FO has made no mention of the Alcúdia attacks.


October is often one of the year’s best months, if the weather is like it is at present. It is not too hot - about 25 degrees or so - and sunny, and there are far fewer people around. While the beach is still a reasonable option, the sea is getting cooler, and the breezes that are so necessary in high summer become more chilly. Towards the end of the month and then into November, the sea air will start to feel a bit damp as well, making the beach nigh on impossible.

Palma Airport / Noise / Driving

And so Palma Airport is to undergo a further extension, this being a sort of mini-terminal in a development of the existing arrivals hall. Jolly good, no doubt they’ll be able to boast further increases in the numbers coming in next year, but the airport will not be getting any business from Ryanair. Too expensive, says the Irish low-cost airline of Palma. Now this may be a negotiating ploy, who knows, but Ryanair is sufficiently well-minted to be making Aer Lingus a takeover target and to accept the costs of flying into and out of the likes of Heathrow.


A while back I reported on some old buffer whingeing about the noise in Puerto Pollensa. It seems that the even more sedate old town of Pollensa has its noise problems, too. These are caused by bars such as the very lovely Columbus in the Plaça Major, or rather by people at and leaving said bars. Now, it ‘s not as if bars in Pollensa didn’t exist before. There has been - for some years for instance - Jam Bar, off the square down a side street. The fact is that if you give permission for a bar that is located right close to residences then noise is always likely to be an issue. In the port, the trio of Chivas, Tukys and Kudos, which are all next to each other, get all sorts of complaints. Hardly surprising given where they are. But what on Earth do people think is going to happen: that punters leave at 3 in the morning, or whenever, speaking in hushed tones after imbibing a couple of mugs of Horlicks?


Eighty dead on Balearic roads thus far this year. Despite the hopes that the new points system will alter driving habits, there is concern that going on a half of those killed were wearing neither seat-belts nor helmets. I don’t get the not wearing of such protection, apart from machismo and, in certain cases, teenage bravado. Though it happened in England, the teenage son of James and Karen from Foxes in Puerto Alcúdia recently suffered head injuries in a collision on his moped; he had a helmet on but it was resting on his head not pulled down, something one often sees here (if a helmet is being worn at all). Let’s hope Trafico gets tough on this, and perhaps also on moped and motor-bike drivers who weave in and out, cut up on the inside and generally cause problems. Oh and cyclists as well. Bet they don’t. Bet they don’t do anything about cyclists riding in the wrong direction; cyclists who go through reds; cyclists who come straight out of side roads without looking. Many drivers here need bringing to account, but there are an awful lot on two wheels who need to be, too.

Rant over.

Elvis Presley impersonators

A Lash moment. Why are there so many Elvis impersonators in Mallorca, asks the sage. Has something to do with his (Elvis that is) being the “king” and something else, whatever it is.

Well, I am neither American nor into his eighties - as is the Lash. I can concede that Elvis, in his very early days, had something going for him; a rebelliousness, a musical style, a sexual excitement. By the time I became aware of music - and I’m a child of the sixties - Elvis was already a parody, with his ludicrously affected vocalising.

It got worse. Elvis became a fat, bloated cabaret artist; a drug-addled, burger-addicted, fat, bloated cabaret artist. And that was how he died. Why is he so impersonated? Sometimes for affection, and I apologise to fans who might disagree with my appraisal, but often because parodies are so easy to impersonate. Why, for instance, could so many people in the ‘60s and ‘70s impersonate Harold Wilson? Because they liked him? No. Because Mike Yarwood took the piss so effectively.

I once saw a board outside a restaurant in Puerto Alcúdia that advertised an “Elvis”. It went along these lines: even if you don’t like Elvis, this is a great evening’s entertainment. Let’s highlight that: “even if you don’t like him ...”.

Elvis’s longevity as a target for impersonation has little now to do with his early brilliance; it has everything to do with the ease of targeting his sad decline. Elvis impersonators rarely dress up as Elvis as he was in the late ‘50s; they dress up as Elvis in Las Vegas - as the lump he had become.

There again, there were so many other awful examples of brilliant young men-turned-zombies who died too early and do not attract Elvis’s interest. Jim Morrison, for instance. But this was not for lack of charisma. Despite his drug addiction, Elvis’s enduring role in providing a business for those who make white, sequined bomber jackets was partly that he became “safe”, unlike others who succumbed so sadly to the horrors of drugs, like Morrison or Hendrix. But more than that he was a grotesque. And the grotesque is the stuff of impersonation, comedy and satire. Ask the guys who do Little Britain.

Driving / Weather / Index for September

The introduction of the licence points system has given Trafico a bit more teeth, and they’re preparing to bare them over the next fortnight, with checkpoints and speed traps in place, some of which will be hidden, others announced. This is good, and what I’ve been calling for, but it depends how they implement them. Put them by roundabouts and I don’t see how they can be effective; place them randomly along carreteras, different matter. Having said this, if Trafico would act, even the roundabout can catch some out. Here’s an example:

There is often a Trafico control at the roundabout by the Esperanza complex in Playa de Muro. So there was this Sunday. I was going along at 60, there was a bus ahead, just by the roundabout and starting to move out. A taxi overook me - at speed. The driver presumably hadn’t appreciated that the bus was on the move. The taxi just managed to squeeze between the bus and an oncoming car, went staight across the pedestrian crossing, onto the roundabout and away - all at excessive speed. Trafico? Didn’t bat an eyelid.


Weather report. Perfect. Very warm, the sea on Sunday was flat until mid-afternoon when the wind whipped up, as it often does in the afernoon. October. Wonderful weather. Makes you realise why you live here. And then this morning there was a thick fog, or more likely a mix of sea fret and heavy mist coming from Albufera - all that coldish air colliding with warm water. But it felt like an English autumn morning, which was kind of nice, and then the sun kicked in.


Index for September 2006

Administration, in - 3 September 2006
Alcúdia Fair - 30 September 2006
Balearics economy - 16 September 2006, 30 September 2006
Balearics Government - 30 September 2006
Beaches - 3 September 2006
Communication - 26 September 2006
Crime - 8 September 2006
“Euro Weekly” - 30 September 2006
Guardia Civil - 6 September 2006
Immigration - 16 September 2006
Language - 6 September 2006, 8 September 2006
Mañana - 26 September 2006
Matas, Jaume - 30 September 2006
Open Holidays - 3 September 2006, 16 September 2006
Palma Airport - 9 September 2006
Parking - 6 September 2006
Police - 6 September 2006
Pollensa Council - 30 September 2006
Population - 16 September 2006
Puerto Pollensa - 3 September 2006
Rental accommodation regulations - 9 September 2006
Skin cancer - 13 September 2006
Smoking - 3 September 2006
Stupid fat white men - 21 September 2006
Taylor Woodrow - 8 September 2006
Tourism economics - 3 September 2006, 9 September 2006, 16 September 2006, 21 September 2006, 26 September 2006, 30 September 2006
Weather - 6 September 2006, 13 September 2006, 16 September 2006, 26 September 2006
Websites - 26 September 2006
www.pollensa.com - 26 September 2006