Down In The Tube Station At Midnight

Almost a year after it was closed, the Palma metro is set to re-open on Monday. Let's pray there isn't a huge storm on Tuesday, or maybe we should pray that there is in order to test that the subways are indeed no longer liable to flooding. The whole fiasco has resulted in an over-run on budget, to the tune of some 50%, albeit that repair costs account for a mere - a mere - 28 million euros, which presumably takes no account of lost revenue. The net is now being cast to try and trawl in those responsible in a probably vain attempt at recouping the repair costs.

The metro should have been a prestige development; it may still be. Some have sought to question the wisdom of there being a metro at all, but anyone who knows about the traffic in Palma will say that it is worth it. Moreover, it is a further stage in creating what might eventually be something of an integrated public transport system. The planned rail extension to Alcúdia combined with a metro in the capital would, for example, obviate the need for many car journeys, which can't be a bad thing. And public transport is cheap, perhaps too cheap. A journey on the metro will be less than a euro. Not normally one to take buses, I was staggered, when I did, to find that the bus between Alcúdia and Palma cost under five euros.

When the metro was closed indefinitely last September, there was a vox pop in one of the papers to gauge reaction. "Makes us seem Third World," was one such. Perhaps so, but public works in other places and other countries are not always things of total efficiency within budget - in Britain for instance. However, a metro system in a city by the sea with its natural underground water table and one prone to massive deluges of rain was always going to be a project that required expertise and a watertight (as it were) specification. The fact that, apparently, some of that spec was changed - the diameter of tubing, for example, was reduced, or so it was reported - may well have contributed to the problems caused by inundations and the inability of whatever pumping systems were in place to cope with them.

But what, I wonder, does it all say about the island's construction industry, the one that is so important to the local economy? Maybe it says very little, but seven temporary companies having been formed from 18 companies in order to carry out the project smacks of too many jobs for the boys. The now Minister of Transport has acknowledged this, though not in quite these words. Looking to extract some reparations from individuals is understandable if only as a form of compensation for lost prestige; the structuring of the project in the first place might be a wiser subject for investigation and for learning lessons rather than protracted court proceedings and lawyer job opportunities.


BEEN HERE BEFORE
There is a danger of déjà vu, of repetitiousness, of annual visits to the same stories with much the same description. I can do it you want. They're coming back, they're on their way, watch out, get out of the water. The "Jaws" theme would be inappropriate but it is the only musical accompaniment that comes into the mind when faced with the terror of the story of ... jellyfish. I can do it another way if you want. The Playa de Muro sunbed wars may not have erupted like last year, but the excessive numbers of sunbeds and parasols is the same story as last year's, and the fines are there as they were before. The only thing new is the use of satellite positioning to check on them. Or I can do it in this way. It's fiesta time and there are the photos. The photos like last year's and the year before, filling the same publication space together with the same bland copy. Fiestas are integral to the Mallorcan summer season (they're also integral to the winter season, but be that as it may). I don't ignore them; of course not. But they are annual constants. Same as it ever was, save for changes to the bands performing (and many of these are the same). There is, or perhaps was, a freebie knocking around, the purpose of which seemed to be to present a bunch of photos of fiestas. I don't really understand it. I know one of the people involved and should ask him, assuming it is still doing the rounds. They're only really news or different if there is actually something new or an alternative take or angle to be sought - perhaps like the angle of dangle implicit in the piece about Patrona. Still, never let it be said ... Tonight after midnight there will be the grand fireworks display for Sant Jaume in Alcúdia. For all that the fireworks and the fiestas themselves may feel like Groundhog Day, they are always worth seeing and visiting.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Saint Etienne. In the absence of a youtube, here is another - the great, touched-by-Telstar, supremely retro "You're In A Bad Way" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF7uxhcGF8s. Today's title - who? Pretty easy stuff.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

The Wild Tail Of The Tornado

Weather - always strange. There was I saying that Wednesday’s storm had left my immediate area relatively unscathed, save for the incredible deluge and the thunder and lightning. The only indication here that there might have been more tornadoes around was when there was a sudden burst of fierce wind towards the end of the storm that lasted only seconds. Otherwise, I had no reason to believe that Wednesday had been as bad as 4 October. As it turns out, it was possibly worse. There were, it seems, at least three separate tornadoes that hit different parts of the island (or at least three tornadoes that precipitated monster storms), and it’s this which seems so strange (in that there was no tornado here), except I guess it isn’t when one considers the nature of a tornado. Whatever, but I also guess that the chances of two such extreme weather events in the space of two weeks would have seemed pretty low. The weather boys were caught napping again, but this isn’t all that surprising as they are yet to install adequate radar to monitor such occurrences.

Inevitably, I suppose, there will be those who attribute these tornadoes to global warming. Some while ago, there was a report that spoke of the possibility of hurricanes in the Mediterranean (as a consequence of climate change), and, while I am personally convinced of the climate-change argument, to make the leap and suggest that these recent events are evidence strikes me as contentious to say the least. Were this pattern to be repeated in successive years, this might be more conclusive, though I sincerely hope it isn’t. A repeat though of this year’s tornadoes would destroy more than just property; it could kill the late-season tourism trade. That said, the contrast this year with last October couldn’t be greater; then it was calm and hot. Just one of those things maybe.

The flooding that accompanied this week’s storms was significant, and of course the metro in Palma bought it again. An audit of the situation with the metro has, meantime, concluded that there is a fault with the drainage system. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious.

Unrelated to the storms, the search continues for Jacqui Tennant, the rep from the Viva Holiday Village in Can Picafort who disappeared while in the mountains of Artà a week or so back. Her sister is now on the island to help and try and find Jacqui or at least find out what has happened to her.


QUIZ
Yesterday - R.E.M. Today's title is a line from a song by? (Unlike many a question here, this is from a far more contemporary outfit.)

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Stays Mainly In The Plain

Want rain? We got rain. Not so much in the north, a mere 4 litres per square metre in Pollensa, but in Lluchmajor 79 and in Palma over 50. And what happened? Right. The metro flooded. Again. This is a shambles. It would be a laughing-stock if it weren’t so serious in terms of the investment and now the disruption (actually it is a laughing-stock anyway). “Ultima Hora” reports that the design faults are far from isolated, saying that, in one instance, “the metro entrances are orientated against logic” (that’s a poor translation, but you get the drift).


RECORD YEAR?
Despite the fact that August occupancy rates were down, the overall performance for the year to end-August has seen a rise in the numbers coming to Mallorca by air, an increase of 4.3%. This prompts “The Bulletin” to a characteristic bout of headlining - “Tourism Record”. But if you delve into the figures for the whole of the Balearics, you discover that this increase is largely explained by Spanish tourism - up a whopping 21.4%. As I have explained before though, this does not translate necessarily into good news in the north of the island, as the numbers of Spanish visitors are comparatively low.

British numbers are up, at just under 3%, but the German figure is down a fraction. Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly, depends on your point of view), the two nations with the highest percentage increases are France and Denmark, while the much-vaunted new money from Russia shows only a 4% increase.

What I don’t quite understand is this - two days ago, I pointed out that hotel occupancy rates for August in the Balearics were down by nearly 2%, yet the number of visitors in August was up by almost 6%. Where were they all staying? In holiday lets? Maybe they were, but the discrepancy in the figures does make me wonder.

Oh, and coincidence time (how often does this blog seem to revolve around coincidences). There was I suggesting Air Berlin might sponsor Mallorca, and blow me there is an announcement that the airline is to extend its routes this winter. Only a matter of time ...


QUIZ
Yesterday - UB40. Today’s title - well, it doesn’t stay mainly in the plain; it falls mainly on the new metro, but who, by George, sang the famous line - “The rain in Spain stays ...”?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

You Give Me Faron Young Four In The Morning

It’s four in the morning. What’s that noise? It’s not a normal noise. It’s the noise of machinery, throaty peeping horns, raised voices. Bleary-eyed, one staggers onto the upper terrace. Yellow lights, man with luminous pointer and jacket, talking into a two-way. Further down the carretera more yellow lights - they approach slowly and eerily out of the night’s darkness.

They are resurfacing the carretera from Can Picafort to the bridge in Playa de Muro. At four in the morning. Sensible, in a way, unless one wants to sleep.

The smell of tarmac being laid obliterates that of the usual drift of gas from Albufera, a truck appears with another chap in a luminous jacket who is placing cones. Everywhere, the orangey-yellow flashes light up the night. The heavy machine lumbers slowly, depositing its steaming goo, the vapours a mist unlike the more common autumnal one that creeps across the wetlands.

Five in the morning. Six in the morning. Then it is quiet. Until tonight.

Can’t complain really, the resurfacing is badly needed. But ...


Statistics update. August. Well, the Balearics had the the highest hotel occupancy rate for the various parts of Spain (which surely isn’t that surprising). But the overall numbers were in fact down, in Mallorca by almost 2%. So, not such a record year, perhaps. Or maybe it was.


And. More rain about. We wait with some amusement for more stories of the flooded metro. Meantime, the political name-calling has started. It’s all the fault of the former government of the Partido Popular, allegedly. What about the firms who actually constructed it though?


QUIZ
Yesterday. Quite appropriately for somewhere with an ETA (Elvis tribute act) fixation, it was Elvis, though personally I’d go for ZZ Top. Today - “Four In The Morning” was Faron Young. But who gave us today’s title?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Viva Can Picafort

Apparently some wag put Belgium up for auction on eBay. Bidding reached 7 million quid before it was withdrawn. I’m not sure if this was because it was overvalued or because it failed to meet the lot price. Either way, a cracking wheeze, and one that reminds me of the story (which I have never known was actually true or not) that some years ago a group of German businessmen offered to buy Mallorca.

Now, you could be forgiven for thinking that this has actually happened, given the ubiquity of Germanic realty operators, but as far as I am aware the island remains part of Spain S.L. But a gripe of Mallorcan politicians over the past few years has been the lack of dosh that Madrid is willing to cough up in order to keep the island in a suitable condition for Germans to come and sun themselves (oh, and Brits and Irish and Swedes etc, even Belgians).

Nevertheless, short of the island actually being bought outright, I feel something of a trick is being missed here. Sponsorship. If it’s good enough for sports grounds, it must be good enough for a whole island. At a stroke, any funding deficiency could be made up through the simple process of rebranding and indeed renaming the place. Air Berlin Mallorca for example, though it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as, say, the Emirates or Reebok Stadium.

And why stop with just the island? Given that the main tour operators are now all under German ownership, there could be Thomson Pollensa, First Choice Alcudia, TUI Can Picafort, Neckermann Cala Ratjada. They could form a football league and play each other - My Travel Cala San Vicente 3, Airtours Cala Bona 0.

Maybe these sponsors could drag in other sectors of German industrial might, Siemens for instance, who could probably put right the mess that is the Palma metro which is to be closed indefinitely owing to the small oversight of the likely ingress of water into something built below ground level when it rains a bit and there, seemingly, not being appropriate measures to prevent it.

Sadly, I fear it won’t happen, if only for parochial reasons. But what would there be to stop Spanish firms? Iberostar Playa de Muro, a distinct possibility, or instead of TUI, Viva Can Picafort. Brilliant. They could even have their own song, taken from ... ah, that’s today’s quiz question. People would flood in.

All these things need is just a bit of imagination ... .


QUIZ
Yesterday - “Hobart Paving” by the wonderful Saint Etienne. Today - well, it’s easy isn’t it? Viva ...?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

With A Paper Folded Outside The Loo

The loo, the bog, the crapper, the pit, the dunny. Powder my nose, point Percy at the porcelain, visit the little boys’ room.

The toilet is an institution in British and Anglo-Saxon consciousness. Different parts of Britain offer different motifs for the place and the act, as do different parts of the US and Australia. The toilet for all that it represents, at its base level, merely defecation and micturition, is democracy in action, or perhaps in motion. It is a symbol of equality, founded on bodily function. The toilet, especially the public toilet, is engrained into British culture and British psyche. The late Marcus Merriman, an ebullient history professor at my Alma Mater, wrote about the public toilet. More noted for his work on Mary Queen of Scots, this Anglophile American was nonetheless impressed enough by the English (and British) affinity with the public loo and its architecture to direct research into such a study. And rightly so. Though the magnificent glazed tiling of, for instance, London’s old Victorian stations, has been widely vandalised by the arrival of sanitised whitewash and aluminium, the WC remains a visible sign of a history of public hygiene. But more than just a symbol, the public loo is a Briton’s right. Even if no relief is consciously required, a public toilet suddenly evokes a brain-to-bladder-or-bowel reaction that demands one “just nips to the loo”.

In Mallorca, there is no such heritage. If a national emblem of Great Britain were to be a public privy, the Mallorcan equivalent would be a tree or a wooded place, adorned preferably with an abundance of dock leaves. Or alternatively, it would be a bar or restaurant.

Need a public loo in Mallorca? Generally impossible. List three of the most frequent questions asked of tourist information offices, and among them will be “where’s the loo?”. The absence causes disorientation for the British tourist, used to getting a spatial bearing through the location of the nearest lav. For some, the non-availability is a sign of backwardness. Forget the preserved and restored historical monuments, the well-constructed and attractive marinas and promenades. These are nought in terms of achievement when set against the lack of a public pisser.

While many bars will happily oblige gratis someone with cross-legged desperation, not all do. Some charge. Some even require that one asks for a key, and then charge. Except of course if one stops for a drink, which means that in some short future while the whole exercise has to be repeated. Go for a day out, and it is an endless round of drink-now, pee-a-bit-later. The best solution, and the one with more luxury than the average bar, is the hotel, unless one is in the old towns of Alcúdia and Pollensa where the “petit” hotels don’t afford the level of anonymity that a large one of some 900 guests might. It is not that there are no public toilets, just that they are rare and situated in the most unlikely places. Go for a ramble through the forest between Playa de Muro and Can Picafort, and you will stumble across a two-cubicled hut that only those with a most pressing requirement would entertain.

For restaurants in Mallorca, the toilet is usually a purely functional necessity. It is uncommon for it to be a thing of beauty. One particular restaurant’s loos have received critical remarks - I haven’t yet published them and probably won’t. But this is not always so. On a first visit to Can Costa in Pollensa after William had taken it on, he was keen to point out the splendour of the WCs. And they were just that, in keeping with the fineness of the restaurant itself. But there again he’s British. Natch. A less-resplendent but still welcoming toilet is that at L’Ombra, also in Pollensa, also run by Brits.

Which all leads me to believe that here is a rich vein of research. In honour of Marcus Merriman, the search is on for the finest lavatories in northern Mallorca. Anyone with any nominations are welcome to email me.

And somewhat in keeping with today’s theme ... It duly peed it down yesterday, especially in the south where, once more, the new metro was flooded (see previous 22 August: It’s August, Jim, But Not As We Know It).


QUIZ
Yesterday - Manic Street Preachers. Today’s title - struggled a bit to think of a toilet reference, but here’s a corker, which also features the line “Rain falls like Elvis tears”.

PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

It’s August, Jim, But Not As We Know It

The best laid plans. Only a few months after opening, the Palma metro has notched up what may be a notable first in the history of metros. Not being an expert on these things, I can’t be sure, but it could be that it has attained the status of the shortest time it takes for a new metro system to be shut down owing to floods.

Now you would have thought, wouldn’t you ... . It is not as though you don’t get rain in Mallorca. It is not as though you don’t get great torrents of the stuff in a short period. Somehow though, someone seems to have ovelooked this fact. And what happens?

It was one station in particular that was affected, but sufficient to bring to a halt the service between Palma and the university. This station is near to the station for the train to Sóller, and the “Ultima Hora” paper couldn’t help but point out that the over-a-hundred-year-old train was running normally. Bit unfair perhaps, but we get the point.

The cause of the flood was yesterday’s storm, which had an impact in the north, too. Near to the Platja d’Or hotel in Puerto Alcúdia, there was a particular problem, and the bomberos (firemen) were pumping again there today. That was because it chucked it down for close on four hours this morning.

Last August was pretty variable, but this year it’s as though September has arrived early. It’s August, Jim, but not as we know it.


QUIZ
Yesterday - Crowded House. Good enough for ‘60s gurus to be among the prize-winners. Today - no prizes for knowing from where the title is adapted, but William Shatner has a place high in the echelons of all-time musical turkeys. It was a Beatles song. Which one?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)