The Plagues Of Vince Vidal

Oh dear me, Vince, what have you done? Our friendly and favourite government minister, Enviro Man Vince Vidal, has been getting it in the neck big time. It was all Vince's fault that great hectares (one hectare equals 2.47105 acres) of Mallorca were under water, that entire crops were ruined, that farmers will be left destitute, that Cala Ratjada was crashing into the sea, that rocks were tumbling in abundance onto roads across the Tramuntana.

Yep, it was all Vince's fault. What had he been doing with himself for the past year and a half? Why hadn't he been out with his cement mixer to shore up a hole in the wall in Cala Ratjada? Why hadn't he been digging out environmentally unfriendly vegetation from torrents and collecting several hundred supermarket shopping trolleys, bits of old furniture, bags of building material waste and chunks of former pine and palm tree trunks which had mysteriously found their way into the same torrents?

He really hasn't had the best of luck, has he. It was also his fault that the taps had been running dry and the reservoirs had become small ponds. What can he expect next? A plague of locusts? That'll be his fault as well.

The drought and the floods were the consequence of historical inaction related to the water resource system and the maintenance of the torrents. Yes, it may well be that the likes of Muro had been demanding that Vince pitch up and clean out its torrent, but there is such a thing - strangely enough - as budgets. Why did Vince have such a barney with Cati Cladera at finance? Just because he's a Mésite and she isn't? Well, no, maybe it had something to do with needing more moolah to keep the torrents flowing properly.

The environment, we have become very aware, does need investment. If it didn't, then we wouldn't have had the former ecotax and now the new tax which pretends that it isn't an ecotax. Environmentalists GOB insist that it should be, while Palma wants to spend it all on piles of its crumbling patrimony. But call the tax what you want, there is the small matter of half of last year's revenue going on water. That's water as in seeking to ward off the worst that extended periods of dry and hot weather might throw at Mallorca. And why? Because there hadn't been investment in the past. That's why. Vince is not to blame for that.

Of course, he can't really do anything right. When the farmers were whining about insufficient aid to compensate for an absence of forage, this was all down to Vince been parsimonious. And there was he, a minister with previous eco credentials up to his beard. Shame on you, minister. Now that Noah has been forced to admit the livestock two by two, the farmers are agitating for a different reason.

At least they can be thankful that Madrid has finally remembered there is a Mallorca and will be emptying the contingency fund piggy-bank to compensate for British diners being unable to devour the earliest new potato crop. Vince, while his tears add to the inundations as he surveys the sodden spud fields of old Sa Pobla, will be thinking that he really needs to have a word with his chums at GOB. They earnestly believe that Mallorca should revive its full one-time agrarian glory (?). Are they mad?

His cabinet colleagues, alarmed that the government as a whole is being lined up and shot at for having caused the floods, have told Vince that he needs to become Enviro Action Man. And this is what he is doing. Appearing here, there and everywhere. But if Vince and the cabinet thought they only had the floods and the missing part of a harbour wall to worry about, they had to think again. A plague is either on its way or is already here. Not locusts but the "xylella fastidiosa", the bacteria also known as olive ebola.

Here's something else to suggest that GOB are a couple of trees short of the full orchard, because olive ebola can be devastating. Vince knows it can be. But he hadn't let on that there were more cases of affected trees than the ministry was saying there were. More than the vagaries of weather, it is the handling of olive ebola that is raising questions about management at the environment and agriculture ministry. Almonds, olives, cherries, vines; they're all susceptible. Vince must be wishing that all he had to worry about was the drought.

The Darkly Floods Of May

Of the hard-luck stories, the result of the Darkly Floods Of May, more hard luck could not surely have been experienced than at the Drunken Duck. Good weather for them. Ducks, that is. Actually I'm not sure that floods are that great for ducks, especially if they are drunken or happen to be a bar. Russ, having been installed for the season, opens, has a good evening, and then ... then apparently finds himself up to his waist in water, various white goods of a commercial style similarly inundated. Things, one trusts, can only get better. And where and when did we once hear something along those lines? More below.

Elsewhere, rather grander edifices also suffered. Not, by the way, that the Drunken Duck isn't grand, but it does pail - sic - into less than grandeur alongside (were it in fact alongside, which it isn't) the Can Ramis building. Yep, the Alcúdia world of Lego was also affected by the Great Rains. Not even a budget of in excess of one million euros could prevent ingress, though one might have hoped the million plus might have made it a bit more water-tight. The inundation was not on the scale of the hilariously disastrous Great Palma Metro Flood soon after it opened, but inundation it still was - through the door and through the ceiling ... into the tourist office. There are now some rather attractive watermarks on the floor.

One of the more common English from Spanish expressions/words that is used locally is "perfect", as from "perfecto", a regular enough interjection in Spanish speech. In the case of the Darkly Floods Of May, perfect it most certainly wasn't, or indeed "perfick". And less than perfect is the situation with regard to potato farming. The floods have not helped what has been a difficult time for the potato growers of Sa Pobla who have been protesting against lack of government help. One imagines that they might be protesting some more; the export market, in particular, could be hit hard.


And so to the election. It will be small consolation to Nick Clegg that in Mallorca he had a large amount of support. Not necessarily from an exiled votership, but from the locals, as in Mallorcans. The "Diario" ran a poll, asking who readers would vote for were they able to vote.

I, being the acting returning officer for Alcúdia, Pollensa and all points Mallorca, hereby give notice that the total percentages for David Cameron are 21%, Gordon Brown 25% and Nick Clegg 54%, and that Nick Clegg has been duly elected as Prime Minister in exile in Mallorca.



Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Still Waters Run Deep: After the floods and alternative gastronomy

Après le déluge.

Big weather events bring with them big weather stories. Those of being flooded out, those of cars stalled, those of roads closed. And then there are those of the great floods of the past, those of weather's not normally like that at this time of the year, with which someone disagrees, referring to the great deluge of ... whenever it may have been, if at all.

Everywhere you went, there was some post-flood cleaning up in progress. Restaurant Jardín, for example. Dani staring somewhat forlornly at a wide green hose. The Siesta 2 swimming-pool having to be pumped out and re-filled as it had gone an unpleasant colour of Sant Marti mountain plus muddy water plus whatever else. And everywhere you went, you might inadvertently come across the aftermath of the great rains - roads in the centre of Puerto Alcúdia under significant amounts of water, and the fire engines pumping away for all their worth, which makes you wonder how much a fire engine is worth and whether this worth can really be calculated in terms of water-pumping capability. And then ... big mistake, taking the turning towards the Condes, then an even bigger one to take the turning past the Viva Tropic. Still waters running deeper. Truly, truly I am sorry to the lady who I splashed. I did slow, I did brake (which is not really advisable), but I couldn't help it. Later, someone tells me that Spanish driving instruction includes advice to drive at as high a speed as possible through floods. This explains much. Splash, drench, curse.

The great weather event of 3 May will now pass into history, but for the moment it is another body blow, made no better by news of Ireland under a cloud.

But then to the local Eroski where the spirits rise a little. Not because of special offers on beer or the like, but because of the music. You can never be sure what you'll get over the PA in the supermarket. New Order "Regret". It makes shopping for aluminium foil positively uplifting, and you wonder ... what if I were to turn into the next aisle and there would be Hooky and Barney playing live. They aren't, but it seemed like a nice idea at the time. Which made me think ... Things you would never expect to find in your local Eroski. New Order would be one, but decent bacon might be another. Which made me think further.

A recent correspondent via the Alcudia forum was asking about the great English breakfast, so I set him a challenge - to unearth the best, in his opinion. Don't, please, for one moment think I'm about to do this as we all know where, even with the best intentions, identifying best of bars etc. can lead. But a humble visitor is a different matter, methinks, while the role of the full English is, in my view, sadly overlooked when it comes to all this carry-on about Mallorcan gastronomy. It may not be Mallorcan, but it is part of the Mallorcan scene. So from this has been spawned a further idea for this newspaper thing. The alternative gastronomy page. And I have found my "expert" alter egos. Their names are Pam and Olly (as in Pa amb Oli - ho, ho). They know who they are, as I told them yesterday morning. Bet you can't wait.

(I should, I feel, thank Seamus for providing the initial inspiration for Pam and Olly.)


I don't know, but I reckon this can qualify among our summer/holiday songs. The Four Tops, "Still Waters Run Deep":




Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Match Of The Day: Floods and Match Point

First the volcano, then the floods. What next? Plague of locusts, anyone?

To say that the first working day of the season was a damp squib would be an understatement. It was horrific. The coast road from Puerto Pollensa to Alcudia was bad enough, but the bypass at the back of Bellevue. Man alive. Waterfalls cascading like giant bathroom overflows down the side of the Sant Marti mountain, bringing with them detritus, mud and water, water and more water. When finally I reached the haven of close to home, I abandoned the car because my road was impassable, and trudged back with what felt like several inches of water inside my shoes, past the poor suckers who have garages below ground. They must now appreciate that such garages are in the class of being a completely crap idea.

Here are some photos and vids from Ben:
http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/mallorcaben/FloodsAlcudiaMay2010


And so to why I had been in Puerto Pollensa. Well, one port of call was a place that has, open for barely a couple of days, already shot to the top of the local controversy charts. It's called Match Point. Pub and sports bar. Raul from Eolo. Nice chap. Very enthusiastic. Why the controversy? It's hard to understand, to be honest, but it has gone in with a bullet at number one, toppling Bony and the entire Boulevard Group from their normal positions, which takes some doing.

The pub is on two floors, it will have an inner terrace once the debris is removed and it will boast multi-screens for different sports. The upper floor in particular is impressive, and will be even more so once everything is installed. The pub looks towards the nautical club and is thus in a great location. But it is this which seems, as much as anything, to have caused the unrest, as in it shouldn't be there. And what the place looks like. Which is? A pub. Heaven forbid. Around the old resort of Puerto Pollensa, the jungle drums of discontent were beating yesterday.

Look, one has to be sensitive to cherished impressions and memories of Puerto Pollensa. It would be fantastic had the place had a preservation order slapped onto it and had it been kept in some quaint time-warp of the Illa D'Or and Sis Pins (which is rather charmingly of course boarded up). I would have applauded such a move. But it has not been subject to any such preservation. Witness the mish-mash of architectural styles dotted around the resort. Unlike the old town, which has this sort of order (not that this is to everyone's liking), the resort is an altogether different beast. It is a commercial centre, and the fact is that it has changed. To the physical change can be added shifting demographics, both tourist and local.

Into this change come new businesses. Some people don't like them, and they have every right not to. Yet these businesses demonstrate at least the application of ideas, and Raul is not short of them. Some would rather they kept their ideas to themselves. This is not going to happen.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Happens All The Time

"Vuelta al cole". Back to school. It's that time of year, and tomorrow will see the mass return to the reality of education after the months of beach and play. As every year, the newspapers will doubtless be full of photos of the munchkins returning after having spent a quarter of the year on holiday. Last year when I reported on the "vuelta", I mentioned that the press had reported that the return had gone off "with normality". I'd love to know what abnormality would be, and, as chance would have it, there will be some served up in Puerto Alcúdia. Nothing like a bit of parental direct action, as school will still be out tomorrow if they have their way. There is a touch of local difficulty regarding the temporary classrooms at the new secondary school and their safety. The governmental body for education and culture is getting it in the neck for failing to meet promises. Back to school and back to the beach, it would seem.


The length of the holiday as much as the act of the return adds power to the news that is the "vuelta", and so it will, as always, make the news. A summer holiday double in length of that in England might suggest a pretty relaxed educational regime. It would be an incorrect perception. The total number of hours spent per annum in Spanish schools is not that far behind that of England which not only has some of the longest hours it also has the shortest summer holidays (along with Wales and Germany); the difference is in the region of 450 hours per year. This may seem a lot until one appreciates that, for example, the number of hours in Finland is 1700 less than England; and Finland is a country with a higher level of educational achievement than in England or Spain. The Finns, by the way, have 11 weeks of summer holiday. Spanish kids spend more time in school than do their German counterparts by a factor of 600 hours, despite the twelve-week summer holiday.

The new school term will also see the introduction of English (or French or German) as the language of teaching for certain subjects, the choice and discretion of individual schools participating in the scheme. English, for instance, could be used for maths, art or biology. Hmm. I remember biology. We started with the amoeba, if memory serves, and then the memory fades. I never really graduated much beyond the simple single cell. To have been instructed in Spanish would have made it even less comprehensible. I don't know quite how this English or other foreign language teaching is meant to help. Perhaps simple English lessons might be the answer. To explain relatively complex subjects in an alien language will depend enormously on the skill of the teacher as well, and some crash courses in English for teachers do not necessarily arm them with all those skills.


FLOODS AND ROADS - EVERY TIME
The early arrival of autumn in the form of the storm that struck on Friday left, no surprise, the coast road into Puerto Pollensa awash with flood water. Happens all the time. There was me thinking that they were meant to have done something to have alleviated the flooding problem. Come the rains, and it's going to happen. Mind you, this is a useful way around the road closure-or-not conundrum. Just summon up a few storms and nature takes the decision out of the hands of the town hall.

As the debate about the road rumbles on, I am less and less clear as to quite why there is a desire to pedestrianise it. Or at least pedestrianise the whole length up to Llenaire. There is a perfectly adequate form of pedestrian mobility as it is: the pavement. If the plan were to ban vehicles as far as, for instance, Sail and Surf and La Gola, I could see some sense. This would mean that the areas of Puerto Pollensa's frontline with the main concentration of pedestrians would become more easily negotiated by those pedestrians. But up as far as Llenaire? Why? It can only be as a justification for the new road, which is fair enough - up to a point. The new road is, or should be, to alleviate some of the congestion in the centre of the port, so a partial increase in pedestrianisation would achieve this. To close the road for the whole length, however, would merely create a problem that does not exist.

AND MORE ...
Teach me to put together features a day in advance. So this is by way of an almost immediate update. It now seems that the road will be closed between the Calle Elcano, which is the road opposite the entrance to the wharf (Moll Sur), and the Avenida Paris, which is just a bit past where I had suggested. This means that there will be no pedestrianisation as far as Llenaire and that the bit between the nautical club roundabout and the wharf will remain open. That indeed had been another thing I couldn't quite understand - access to the wharf and nautical club and also to the parking area. Now, it would seem, it is to remain open, though it will also mean entering from Calle Juan XXIII. The compromise closure is to be effected over this coming week. That's it then. For now.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - The Yardbirds (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUZg6VHfcLM). Today's title - Northern Irish.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

The Wild Tail Of The Tornado

Weather - always strange. There was I saying that Wednesday’s storm had left my immediate area relatively unscathed, save for the incredible deluge and the thunder and lightning. The only indication here that there might have been more tornadoes around was when there was a sudden burst of fierce wind towards the end of the storm that lasted only seconds. Otherwise, I had no reason to believe that Wednesday had been as bad as 4 October. As it turns out, it was possibly worse. There were, it seems, at least three separate tornadoes that hit different parts of the island (or at least three tornadoes that precipitated monster storms), and it’s this which seems so strange (in that there was no tornado here), except I guess it isn’t when one considers the nature of a tornado. Whatever, but I also guess that the chances of two such extreme weather events in the space of two weeks would have seemed pretty low. The weather boys were caught napping again, but this isn’t all that surprising as they are yet to install adequate radar to monitor such occurrences.

Inevitably, I suppose, there will be those who attribute these tornadoes to global warming. Some while ago, there was a report that spoke of the possibility of hurricanes in the Mediterranean (as a consequence of climate change), and, while I am personally convinced of the climate-change argument, to make the leap and suggest that these recent events are evidence strikes me as contentious to say the least. Were this pattern to be repeated in successive years, this might be more conclusive, though I sincerely hope it isn’t. A repeat though of this year’s tornadoes would destroy more than just property; it could kill the late-season tourism trade. That said, the contrast this year with last October couldn’t be greater; then it was calm and hot. Just one of those things maybe.

The flooding that accompanied this week’s storms was significant, and of course the metro in Palma bought it again. An audit of the situation with the metro has, meantime, concluded that there is a fault with the drainage system. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious.

Unrelated to the storms, the search continues for Jacqui Tennant, the rep from the Viva Holiday Village in Can Picafort who disappeared while in the mountains of Artà a week or so back. Her sister is now on the island to help and try and find Jacqui or at least find out what has happened to her.


QUIZ
Yesterday - R.E.M. Today's title is a line from a song by? (Unlike many a question here, this is from a far more contemporary outfit.)

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Stays Mainly In The Plain

Want rain? We got rain. Not so much in the north, a mere 4 litres per square metre in Pollensa, but in Lluchmajor 79 and in Palma over 50. And what happened? Right. The metro flooded. Again. This is a shambles. It would be a laughing-stock if it weren’t so serious in terms of the investment and now the disruption (actually it is a laughing-stock anyway). “Ultima Hora” reports that the design faults are far from isolated, saying that, in one instance, “the metro entrances are orientated against logic” (that’s a poor translation, but you get the drift).


RECORD YEAR?
Despite the fact that August occupancy rates were down, the overall performance for the year to end-August has seen a rise in the numbers coming to Mallorca by air, an increase of 4.3%. This prompts “The Bulletin” to a characteristic bout of headlining - “Tourism Record”. But if you delve into the figures for the whole of the Balearics, you discover that this increase is largely explained by Spanish tourism - up a whopping 21.4%. As I have explained before though, this does not translate necessarily into good news in the north of the island, as the numbers of Spanish visitors are comparatively low.

British numbers are up, at just under 3%, but the German figure is down a fraction. Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly, depends on your point of view), the two nations with the highest percentage increases are France and Denmark, while the much-vaunted new money from Russia shows only a 4% increase.

What I don’t quite understand is this - two days ago, I pointed out that hotel occupancy rates for August in the Balearics were down by nearly 2%, yet the number of visitors in August was up by almost 6%. Where were they all staying? In holiday lets? Maybe they were, but the discrepancy in the figures does make me wonder.

Oh, and coincidence time (how often does this blog seem to revolve around coincidences). There was I suggesting Air Berlin might sponsor Mallorca, and blow me there is an announcement that the airline is to extend its routes this winter. Only a matter of time ...


QUIZ
Yesterday - UB40. Today’s title - well, it doesn’t stay mainly in the plain; it falls mainly on the new metro, but who, by George, sang the famous line - “The rain in Spain stays ...”?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

It’s August, Jim, But Not As We Know It

The best laid plans. Only a few months after opening, the Palma metro has notched up what may be a notable first in the history of metros. Not being an expert on these things, I can’t be sure, but it could be that it has attained the status of the shortest time it takes for a new metro system to be shut down owing to floods.

Now you would have thought, wouldn’t you ... . It is not as though you don’t get rain in Mallorca. It is not as though you don’t get great torrents of the stuff in a short period. Somehow though, someone seems to have ovelooked this fact. And what happens?

It was one station in particular that was affected, but sufficient to bring to a halt the service between Palma and the university. This station is near to the station for the train to Sóller, and the “Ultima Hora” paper couldn’t help but point out that the over-a-hundred-year-old train was running normally. Bit unfair perhaps, but we get the point.

The cause of the flood was yesterday’s storm, which had an impact in the north, too. Near to the Platja d’Or hotel in Puerto Alcúdia, there was a particular problem, and the bomberos (firemen) were pumping again there today. That was because it chucked it down for close on four hours this morning.

Last August was pretty variable, but this year it’s as though September has arrived early. It’s August, Jim, but not as we know it.


QUIZ
Yesterday - Crowded House. Good enough for ‘60s gurus to be among the prize-winners. Today - no prizes for knowing from where the title is adapted, but William Shatner has a place high in the echelons of all-time musical turkeys. It was a Beatles song. Which one?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)