Teasy-Weasy Like Mitchell Johnson

Teasy-Weasy Raymond was the first celebrity hairdresser. He came on my childhood radar not because of his skills with scissors but because of the Grand National. Builder Sid, a drinking pal of my father's, had given the old man a sure-fire tip for the 1963 race: Teasy-Weasy's horse Ayala. Not a great deal of attention was paid to the post-race interview with the victorious part-owner; a quid at 66-1 went a long way back then.

Teasy-Weasy, when not having a horse winning at Aintree, became famous for his innovative hairstyling, but creative snipping of this early-sixties vintage was primarily aimed at a female barnet. For the male, The Beatles were about to further the changes that Bill Haley and Elvis had been responsible for, but otherwise, the trip to the barbers was predictable in its short back 'n' sides outcome and for the way that small boys were shoved out the door when the anything for the weekend question was about to be put.

Were he alive today and being flamboyant in the faux-French style that he adopted, Teasy-Weasy would have far greater scope for hair sculpturing. The male head is no longer a mere support for the one-cut-fits-all approach of an early sixties SBnS. But what would Teasy make of the Mitchell Johnson? The Barmy Army is pretty clear what it thinks. "He combs it to the left, he combs it to the right." Mitchell manages to successfully put his foot in it not just by having a low and misdirected arm but also by sporting one of the greatest horrors to have been witnessed on a cricket pitch. In so doing, he provides the Barmies with hours of endless, drunken amusement.

I can't better the description offered by a "CharlieBronze" on "The Guardian's" website. "It is the haircut of a madman. He must have gone into the barber shop with his scrapbook of American Serial Killers from the '50s and said: 'Give me something that says Crazed Remote Gas Station Attendant who probably has a collection of human feet.' " In fact, the Mitchell bears something of a resemblance to the style favoured by that sad young man who thought he was going to blow up the university in Palma last year. Not, however, that I imagine an Australian left-arm quick would have any great knowledge of wannabe Mallorcan terrorists.

But if the Mitchell is in a similar barbering ballpark to the coiffure preferences of the close to certifiable, what of other examples of male head furniture of the modern day? You can tell a great deal about tourists (male ones, that is) from what is sitting on their scalps. Or not. And Mitchell is highly relevant in this regard.

The cricket writer Vic Marks has a theory that the reason why all Australian cricketers are now called Mitchell can be traced back to when Phil and Grant first turned up in "Eastenders". I am not convinced by this Marksism, but I am convinced that Phil and Grant were and are responsible for the absence of hair on the head of the British male tourist. The Mitchell brothers transformed the British barnet, at a stroke all but doing away with the need for hair follicles and convincing a generation to trade in their Ken Barlows for a Phil. And those who were not previously convinced of this need now most certainly are.

The British male holidaymaker comes with many years of experience of the pre-flight necessity for an appointment with the clippers of a number one. The Russians, on the other hand, have very little experience either of holidaymaking or the correct fashion accessory that is the holiday hairstyle. Years behind everyone else, they betray this inexperience by showing that they are stuck somewhere in the 1980s. And that means the mullet.

A member of a Russian family in Eroski the other day (they'd probably mistaken Eroski for being Russian) was a teenage boy who was in fact Chris Waddle, this being the Chris Waddle of the Hoddle Waddle "Diamond Lights" period. Actually, and although Waddle has passed into hair folklore for being synonymous with the mullet, it is more accurate to say that it was a Hoddle. The Waddle, in its long-at-the-back ingloriousness, appeared a bit later. Hoddle or Waddle, it doesn't really matter to the Russian tourist.

Yes, you can tell the origins of tourists from their hairstyles. So, when you see some bloke who you think looks like he's from the Jackson Five circa 1970, he will in fact be Belgian. Be warned, be very warned. There are Belgians with a Fellaini.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Haircut (1 to) 100

Haircuts. I'm telling you it is a matter of some importance. It is a matter that tends to categorise - by hairstyle (or its absence) - the type of business. This all started to occur to me as I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing in Puerto Pollensa, and the "sailies" from Sail & Surf were meandering across the road. The guys who do sailing and surfing tend to all be of a hair demeanour of what someone once described to me as "freaky". This is hair of an unruly nature, tangled by salt, blonded by sun and invariably long. It is also hair which, once away from the surf, acquires the accessory of a pair of sun shades. The "surfie" look and hair can also be viewed in uncovered mokes or jeeps, and with the hair tossed not by the sea but by the wind, adding further to the unkempt designer-scruffiness-cum-casualness of the rare acquaintance with a comb.

At the other end of the scale is the British bar look. This is absence of hair. The Phil Mitchell. The number one. Totally slaphead or with a slap stubble. It is hairstyle of association as, observe much of the male British tourist stock, and you become aware that it has undergone a form of cloning whereby the scalp is devoid of much in the way of follicle. The Brit tourist may like his bar, lager and chips, but he also likes to view a shiny pate across the counter. Put a surfie behind the bar, and the same tourist would be thrown into a confusion of non-empathetic head furniture, and probably walk out. I have a new idea for British bars and their marketing: "We have number ones". I tell you they'd flock in.

Then there is the Spanish lothario hair gear. This is often the pony-tail. It's a kind of Spanish footballer-meets-bar-terrace-meets-nice-girlie-from-a-northern-European-country look. None of your appealing to the male tribalism of an Eastenders rogue, this is pure advertising of a come-and-get-me-girls nature.

Finally, there is the truly and utterly bizarre. The what-the-hell is that on your head look. I will not mention the restaurant or the guy, but it is a restaurant in the port area of Alcúdia. It is the "Eraserhead" style. A full-on pompadour. And if you don't know to what I am referring, here is a Wikipedia that shows Jack Nance from the film - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eraserhead. If anyone can guess correctly the name of the restaurant, then there is a prize of a Jack Nance at the hairdresser of my choice.

Now of course this is male hair. But for the ladies, notably the British bar ladies, there is but one word - blonde.


QUIZ
Steppenwolf was a novel by Hermann Hesse, who wrote a poem entitled ...? Think blonde and ambition. Suzi Quatro was "Can The Can". And today also - Haircut 100. Why does the number one have a strong association with this group?

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