The Balearics Under Zombie Attack

I've no wish to alarm you unduly, but that bloke sitting next to you in the bar, can you be absolutely sure he isn't a zombie? There are zombie attacks every ten minutes, you know. Yes really.

Certain inhabitants of bars might give the impression of having gone into a zombie state, but the alarm being spread as regards zombies in our midst is probably exaggerated. I mean, someone who's taken onboard several gallons too many may have adopted the appearance of the undead, but generally speaking he won't have joined the ranks. On balance, it would be more likely that he was actually dead rather than in death no-man's land.

The every-ten-minutes-there's-a-zombie-attack alarm is of course all a publicity ruse. Partly, it is because of "The Walking Dead", but it is also because in Mallorca and the Balearics, normally sensible people are playing at being zombies. This is, I'm sorry to have to say, not a phenomenon confined to those who don't know better, i.e. children, but is in fact the pastime of grown-ups who really should do.

It is all a bit frightening, not that the zombies are frightening as such, but rather like there are those limping around labouring, in "me 'earty" fashion, under the misapprehension that they are Johnny Depp and so therefore pirates, there are also members of the adult class who seem to think they are zombies. The only upside of this, as far as I can see, is that piratical hegemony that has ruled for so long might be challenged. It's not much of a benefit, agreed, but one does have to try and look on the bright side and for some good out of all this zombie carrying-on.

When, do you suppose, will they open a zombie-themed hotel? Yes, I know, I know, but before you start saying low end of the all-inclusive market, the clientele in these cannot, in all truth, claim any zombie status. The thing with zombies, those who wish to carry the game to its logical conclusion that is, is that they can't drink alcohol. Or eat pizza. So I'm sorry, let's have no all-inclusive jibes, albeit I fancy that if and when they open the zombie-themed hotel, it would have to be all-inclusive. Let's face it, no self-respecting hotel, if this is the correct term, would wish a zombie clientele to be walking the streets of the resorts at any time of day or night: normally night, I fancy.

Now, you might think that they'd never do something as daft as have a zombie-themed hotel. Well I'm sorry, but they might well do. If they can have a zombie cruise ship, then they can certainly have a hotel as well. A zombie ship? Oh yes, indeed. It moored up in Ibiza just a short time ago. Not only that, the zombies took to the streets of San Antonio one dark morning before sun-up and were joined, with a payment of 29 euros per not-undead local, by indigenous Ibizan zombies. The town hall and the local police had gone along with the whole thing, and even informed the residents that they shouldn't be concerned by this zombie invasion.

It was all the idea of zombie enthusiasts who set up a WhatsApp group and who, at just short of 300 euros a pop, were able to catch the zombie ship from Valencia. And what an experience it was, especially for those who weren't zombies. Being confined to a ship on the open seas, there's no escape, and so they were never sure when a zombie might attack.

There are, it has to be said, cruises and then there are cruises. In the scheme of things a zombie cruise would not be the cruise of choice for the majority. Just as the Mein Schiff that has its heavy-metal clientele wouldn't be the preference of another majority. Eighteen-stone, tattoed Germans, head-banging and manically waving air guitars for twenty-four hours a day on a ship, sounds as close to hell as it can get, but not quite as hellish as zombies.

Or have I got this wrong? I think I may have. Why not zombies? Why not heavy-metal hairies with Megadeth t-shirts? It's all in the name of enjoyment after all, while Themes 'R' Us might be said to be the thematic slogan of contemporary tourism. And then, where zombies are concerned, Mallorca has some specific recent form in this regard. Films. In the summer the finishing touches to "Turbulencia zombi" by a Mallorcan director were made in the Palma area of Sant Jordi, and last September there were hordes of zombies being filmed at the likes of Cala Tuent for "Generation Z".

The zombies are here. So watch out. You never know when one might attack.