Keep Calm And Wait Till November

A regrettable piece of contemporary sloganising that has the power to destroy my normally calm manner and to make me wish to punch the perpetrator is the "Keep Calm And ..." poster. Its omnipotence is testimony to creative impotence. Can't think of a slogan? Keep calm and use keep calm.

As supremo for all things touristic in these islands, Jaime Martínez shouldn't be short of the odd, snappy slogan. One fears, though, that his promotional abilities are confined to that of a perambulating giant sandwich without the sandwich board. Yep, he's a walking, talking, masticating, marketing mechanism for Mallorcan gastronomy - breakfast, lunch, dinner and several snacks in between each of them. Officially, Jaime is minister for both tourism and sport, a portfolio that had been hoovered up by his predecessor, one who was evidently familiar with a sports field and with a personal trainer (and whatever happened to the fuss about the personal trainer?). Together, when Carlos Delgado and Jaime strode side by side, shoulder to stomach through the corridors of Calvia town hall and then in the ministry, they were the Little and Large of tourism and sport without the gags (such as Syd and Eddie's gags could be said to have been gags). Syd, having departed the scene to concentrate on his verbal assaults on the Guardia Civil, has left behind Eddie, who had always been the straight man (or the square man, some have said), for whom sports promotion can only be that for a singularly non-Mallorcan sport, i.e. sumo wrestling.

Sport loomed neither large nor little in the Magnum Opus that Jaime delivered to a bewildered audience last week (and also, or so I am led to believe, others at the ministry). As a work in promotional terms - if only indirectly - it did contain some items of merit. Well, one at any rate; that to do with car-rental agencies. The Magnum Opus was of course not intended for a lifetime achievement award for tourism promotion. The real promotional work which was referred to last week was The Campaign, one that has been postponed until Jaime can sample the hospitality at London's ExCel in November. The necessity for The Campaign was not as pressing as it had been, explained Jaime-Eddie. And that was because, he claimed, things were now calm on the streets of Magalluf. The Pre-Campaign Campaign was working. Keep Calm And Stop Rushkinoff Coughing. Keep Calm And Jump Off Balconies Only In The Event Of Alien Attack. Keep Calm And Keep Your Flies Zipped Up, Lads.

The worst thing about it all is that I have a horrible feeling they might actually use the Keep Calm slogan when they do eventually work out The Campaign. Keep Calm And Pass Me The Punchbag.