Islands In The Stream

Oh for days of yore. Those Boxing Days of old when Fred Pontin would enjoin us to "book early" and the Warners would wander onto the screens looking like a trio of M.J.K. Smiths* grinning cheesily and with embarrassment. Those days of Clarkson - pre-Jeremy - when package holidays cost about a tenner before Clarkson became one of the first great holiday company collapses.

Nowadays there are few holiday companies to choose from, and what few there are make virtues of saturated, high-definition television to whisk the consumer off to azure seas and sandy, palm-lined beaches. And so First Choice and Thomas Cook decorate our holiday dreams with flat-screened exotica, and in the case of Thomas Cook they do so courtesy of ... the Redknapps. Yes, everyone, Jamie and Louise, the sub-Beckhams, the under-Coles of football-girl band marital marketing opportunity. No more the Warners, reminiscent of a 60s England cricketer with spectacles. Now we have the aspirations of "Hello"-style froth from waves gently caressing the shore, aimed at Royle Families gathered on the nation's sofas who would have more in mind the price of a lager and the savings to be made by going all-inclusive.

Why would you go anywhere that the Redknapps go? And if you were to, where - in Mallorca - would it be? A clue lies in an article Louise once penned for "The Mail On Sunday". Portals Nous. That's where. Portals Nous, home to the tippy-toppy-stilletoed, brown-wrinkly expat band of shallowness that the daily variety of "The Mail" exposed (even if there was some doubt cast as to the accuracy of that piece). Portals Nous is far removed from the everyday Mallorcan holiday experience, e.g. that of Magaluf, a point Mrs. Redknapp made: "I had a picture in my head that was, well, pretty inaccurate. Everyone has heard of Magaluf, and that's what I was expecting - a giant concrete resort with mile-upon-mile of tower blocks, noise and chaos". Jamie and his missus discovered the more "authentic" side of Mallorca - yep, Portals Nous, all luxury yachts and Jimmy Choos.

So when you don't just book it but Thomas Cook it to Mallorca and admire the Redknapps on golden beaches, it is to Portals Nous that you should be heading. It is to here, the über-celeb locations of the island, that the aspirations of the Thomas Cook Redknapped ad are calling you. Not that you will be able to book anything in Portals, as on the Thomas Cook website there is no mention of the place. Poor old Jamie and Louise. They have set themselves up for a good kicking - one on the shins by lumbering centre halfs in Jamie's case, or by Danny Baker on his radio show the other day or by one of the authors of http://advertsihate.blogspot.com**: "they (the Redknapps) are just like the sort of people you befriend over sun-parched bacon and eggs at Frank's Beachside Taverna before regretting it for the remaining thirteen nights".

'Arry's boy and Mrs. R are generic holiday - in Thomas Cook land - but by association they are specific, as in the Cook ad for the Balearics. Here is something that has been exercising some of the good people on the PuertoPollensa.com forum, as apparently the Menorca bit shows Puerto Pollensa. Could have fooled me - from what is streamed via the Cook site - but if eagle-eyed ad watchers make the mismatch it does suggest a certain sloppiness on the part of the production people. Nice one, the chap who spotted it.


* I have this recollection that there were indeed three Warners and that they all looked like the one-time England cricket captain, M.J.K. Smith, a bespectacled and rather gawky fellow. Have tried to find some google evidence of the Warners but none has cropped up.

** This is partly a Manchester journo called David Quinn who also has a site - http://www.wordsdept.co.uk - on which, among other things, you can read about the ten most awful people on television in 2009, one of whom - the number one in fact - is Michael McIntyre. Amen.


QUIZ
Today's title - a duo. And they were? And on which TV comedy-drama series was it performed and by which characters?

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.