Such A Fool For You

The problem is that, whatever I say, you're not going to believe it, are you? I could tell you that there is this nightmare situation with crocodiles in Albufera and a threat to all life - animal, human, the vaguely human, the expat-type human with barnacle noses. I could tell you that, but you'd say that it was bollocks. Shows how much you know. I could tell you that there's a free pint to be had in the Foxes Arms for anyone with pink hair called Quentin, and you'd think I was making it up. I could tell you that the rising sea that I told you about two years ago is now indeed starting to engulf the ground at the Sa Pobla Cricket Club. You'd say, come off it, you're pulling my plonker. I can tell you I'm not, but it's up to you what you think, see if I care.

So, I'm not going to tell you anything that you might think isn't true, not even that the Taste of India re-opens today. See, I'm not going to tell you that. And I haven't.


Meanwhile ...

Clarkson. What a glorious row this is threatening to become. I have even contributed to it beyond the confines of this blog of all blogs: yep, on the letters page in "The Bulletin". I can understand the offence that some have taken at what Jezza had to say in his column. If I had a barnacle nose and spent all day in a Hawaiian shirt and in a paralytic state, then I might find it all a bit near the mark. However, I don't have such a nose, I do not own and never have owned a Hawaiian shirt and I have not been paralytic since I engaged in some projectile vomiting in the communal toilet and shower area of my university residence block on the occasion of my twenty-first birthday. Well, you try keeping down a pint of crème de menthe and God knows what else, having also inhaled. And also try combating a filthy hangover the next morning while mopping up the remains of a spaghetti dinner that has wrapped itself around and behind the toilet base.

What needs to be borne in mind is that Clarkson is a shock jock journo. And he's very good at being one and also very effective. See how much of a stir he's created among the Mallorcan expats. Brilliant. That's how it should be. That's what he wants. The style of the shock jock journo demands outrageous generalisations; it's the stock in jock trade. It's just unfortunate that occasionally the target seems rather too close for comfort. And when it gets that close, some people get upset. Yes, it does seem as though he has been happy to drink at the font of some Mallorcan hospitality and then turned round and given his hosts a kick in the balls, but personally I still find what he said funny and not without a certain amount of truth - but only in some cases. Trouble is, it doesn't work; from an impact effect, from a shock effect, if I say "a certain amount of truth - but only in some cases" it doesn't work. It won't work; it's too indirect. You've got to be explicit: all expats are drunks, that sort of thing.

Mind you, I could tell you more about all this but you'd think I was making it up ... . Actually, I don't think you would think I was making it up. But it's ok, I'll tell you later, when it's just you and me.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - I warned you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bKAPVpA46o).



Today's title - a line from what? Words cannot do justice to this song - one of the most beautiful ever, period. Believe me?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)