Who Wants To Be A Mallorcan Citizen?

There is a test of UK citizenship, courtesy of "The Guardian". It is in fact more a test of British history, so being a degree historian and keen to see if I could remember anything from the factoids with which I was bombarded at school or from Eric Evans' lectures on the Great Reform Act while at university, I duly took the plunge. Not bad as it turned out. 13 out of 15. I slipped up on when English laws were first imposed on the Welsh and the type of skilled workers who didn't come to England in large numbers from Europe in the Middle Ages. I feel I can be excused these errors. Like all of you, I would have thought that the English laws would have been in the wake of Owain Glyndwr, while the real boom in canal building, and therefore demand for canal builders (so I reckoned) was a product of the Industrial Revolution. Still, I feel suitably British, or UKish, as a result of my 13 correct answers.

I imagine that anyone from, for sake of argument Uzbekistan, who was to undergo such a test wouldn't have a clue as to answers to most of these questions and nor would they care. (I'm assuming that the relationship between England and Wales in Tudor times is not high up on the Uzbek school curriculum.) An altogether more relevant test would feature a multiple choice to name the judges on "X Factor" or Premier League football stadia which haven't been named after Middle Eastern airlines.

I feel sorry for all the Uzbeks lining up with their passport application forms and being subjected to such irrelevant questions as who were the people who worked the land under the feudal system. It's not as though most Brits, except by luck, would come up with the right answers. Were I to take the test to a local Bar Brit and subject the owners and punters to the test, I doubt that the results would be terribly convincing. So unconvincing would they be that passport control in Palma airport would be fully entitled to confiscate passports.

The test is like a bar quiz night and, as with bar quizzes wherever they might be, bickering as to the answers would reduce the whole exercise to an argument and probably a fist fight. It's unlikely you would get past question one - which countries make up "Great Britain"? - without there being a huge row, as in the significance of "Great" (once having ruled the waves versus simply big).

On the assumption that many a Brit attempting travel from Mallorca would be rendered stateless by the withdrawal of their passports, might they be able to apply for a Mallorcan citizenship? Well, there is clearly one problem with this, i.e. Mallorca isn't a state, but were it to be, what would comprise its citizenship test?

I had thought to set you all a test, but then all you would do would be to go onto Google and produce results that would suggest you were all called Miquel Cifre (like 90% of Mallorcans are; males that is, the females are Cati), so instead I shall merely raise some possibilities, to which you are more than welcome to add your own.

There would have to be some history in this test, there's no getting away from it, and so who better to feature than Ramon Llull. And he was? If you live in Mallorca and you don't know, then forget the citizenship. He is only the single most important person in Mallorca's history, except possibly King Jaume I. And why was Jaume important?

But such historical questions are, as in the UK, of only limited relevance. Far more relevant are those baffling ones to do with the modern day - How is it that there are so many looky-looky men? Are there such things as rules regarding how you negotiate a roundabout, and if so what are they? Are there such things as rules for pedestrians crossing a road, regardless of whether it's a pedestrian crossing or not? Are there such things as rules for unaccompanied dogs crossing roads? Is it obligatory to have to be able to shout when you speak in Mallorca?

Being able to answer any of these may entitle you to Mallorcan citizenship. However, there is a further slight problem, which is that, with the exception of the last question (the answer to which is yes), no Mallorcan would know the answer or even have thought of the question in the first place. My advice, therefore, is stick to the UK citizenship but be sure to brush up on your knowledge of the feudal system.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.