Capdepera. A town with a walled castle fortress, not one but two golf courses, and a resort, Cala Ratjada, that is its own little piece of Germany. It is a town, like all in Mallorca, with plenty of old-time religion, but also a town with an old-time rubbish dump, which may well form part of a 17-acre site housing some new-time religion - a Christian theme park.
A company that owns just this type of a park in Argentina wants to create something similar on Mallorca's north-eastern tip. Capdepera's town hall is looking at the plans. Envisaged among the biblical scenes that would be performed at the theme park would be "live" resurrections. Not that you could have dead resurrections; that's not how resurrections work. There would also be Last Suppers throughout the day, rather like all-day breakfasts but minus the bacon.
What else have they in mind? Live crucifixions maybe? Being greeted by beaming Gospel mascots cajoling visitors into having a nice day? "Hi there, I'm Matthew, praise the Lord. Here's your complimentary miracle party bag with five loaves and two fish." As freebies go, this doesn't sound like a bad deal, and it would be the stuff that plays well with lard-arsed, Lord-rejoicing Americans. Unsurprisingly, there are several Christian theme parks in the US.
A question, though, is why Mallorca? One answer is probably the volume of tourists, all those bible-bashing ones, regurgitating pizza and lager over the morning's hymn sheets of the day's come-dressed-as-a-disciple entertainment. But this would be unfair: you don't have to be a church-goer; the theme park might actually be fun, you never know. Another answer, oddly enough, is religion. Catholic, saints and all that jazz. Jesus loves you in a theme-park style might also help reverse a local decline in the influence of religion, regular church-going having slumped to under 20% of the population. As a non-believer, I can't find much to object with the scheme, so long as it's not proselytising, ram-it-down-your-throat, happy-clappy religion. Moreover, the bible has some cracking stories, whether you believe them or not: the scope for performances is immense.
Try starting a Christian theme park in the UK and the objections would be long, loud and ludicrous. We all know why. In Mallorca there is not quite the same sensitivity, thanks God. Nevertheless, some socio-religious doubts have been raised, for example, about the fiesta street theatre of the Moors and Christians. What sort of an alternative could be arranged, short of stopping it, who knows. Maybe they could let the Moors win once in a while.
The theme park, though, would be something different, more directly subversive of inherent faith: it might undermine certain long-established religious performances, such as the portrayal of the Last Supper during Pollensa's Easter celebrations. Having a rolling show of the feast of Christ and the Apostles tucking into a loaf of Bimbo and demolishing a carton of Don Simon at times of the year other than Easter does seem somewhat sacrilegious, and you'd have to pay for the privilege, which you don't have to when it comes to fiesta time.
Put the words theme and park together, and you can usually be sure that there would be objections, those of the environmental lobby which, for instance, successfully scuppered the plans for the anti-Christ theme parks in first Inca and then Calvia. A Christian theme park, which would presumably be environmentally neutral as well as righteous, could well place the enviros in a quandary. Object or not object. They'll be hoping that there are plans to flood Capdepera in order to bring on Noah or to create rivers with blood.
Mallorca could do with theme parks. All sorts of them. The Capdepera proposal is small beer, or small communion wine if you prefer, certainly by comparison with the devil's work of the casinos, multi-theme parks and God knows what else of the Gran Scala in the desert by Zaragoza on the mainland. Capdepera would be modest, but it shouldn't be the last, either Christian or profoundly unbelieving and profane. There need to be more, but they wouldn't be on the grand scale of Gran Scala. Shame. The bible doesn't specifically proscribe gambling, but it's clear enough on its underlying sin: "for the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil". There again, what the hell does God know?
Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.
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