What's Today?

"Gross discrimination." Just one response. And gross is about right. It's this new tax idea, announced yesterday by our old friend Francesca de Diauno de Abril. The tax, known in Spanish as Tasa de la Manteca de Cerdo, and which translates as "lard tax", is set to be imposed from the first of May on all arriving tourists. "If you're slim or just a bit podgy, no problem," said Señora Diauno in her best English. "But those with a significant lard mass will be measured at passport control and, based on our TLI (tourist lard index), will pay the equivalent of a small English for a moderate rating; a small English and a plate of burger and chips for a big rating; and a small English, a plate of burger and chips and a chicken tikka masala with nan bread for an outsize rating." Justifying the new tax, Señora Diauno argued that it is necessary to prevent Mallorca sinking into the Mediterranean and that the money raised will be used to place a series of giant buoys under the island to keep it afloat. Apparently, Mallorca sinks at the rate of an overall average of 7,68 centimetres each summer, but that certain parts of the island are falling faster into the sea; Magaluf sinks at an alarming rate of a metre every year.

"Climate change and the impact on the coastline is only one problem," continued Señora Diauno. "Till now little has been done with regard to the effects of sheer weight. Tourists need to be aware not only of their carbon footprint but also their waistline. The environmental damage caused by obesity cannot be taken lightly, just as the obese themselves cannot be taken lightly, because they are not light," she explained, somewhat confusingly.

However, whether the new tax will actually be implemented is questionable. This is the same Señora Diauno who has attempted, in the past, to make all tourists don full evening wear when going out after six in the evening, a move that failed because the suppliers could not cope with the demand for outsize clothing. An opposition spokesperson said that the new tax was unworkable and was, in any event, a bit of a cheek as Señora Diauno is herself known as "El cubo de la manteca de cerdo" (the lard bucket). The spokesperson reckoned that: "ella tenía una risa" (she was having a laugh).


QUIZ
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Index for March 2008

Advertising - 2 March 2008
Balaixa Restaurant - 19 March 2008
Bars - 12 March 2008, 15 March 2008, 27 March 2008, 28 March 2008
Beaches - 11 March 2008
Café del Món - 28 March 2008
Celebrities - 14 March 2008
Classic Car Rally - 1 March 2008
Climate change - 27 March 2008
Clubs - 17 March 2008
Crystal skulls - 13 March 2008
Cultural tourism - 28 March 2008
Cyclists - 26 March 2008
Dogs - 31 March 2008
Ethnic groups - 29 March 2008
Expatriates - 8 March 2008
General election - 10 March 2008
German market - 6 March 2008
Headphones - 17 March 2008
Highlander Bar - 27 March 2008
Holiday fairs - 6 March 2008
Homosexuality - 16 March 2008
L'Almirant Restaurant - 20 March 2008
La Villa Restaurant - 17 March 2008
Language learning - 3 March 2008
L'Italiano Restaurant - 7 March 2008
Los Pescadores Restaurant - 20 March 2008
Marketing - 15 March 2008
Meat - 2 March 2008
Mile, The - 7 March 2008
Mind mapping - 3 March 2008
Natural gas - 30 March 2008
Parking - 18 March 2008
Pizzerias - 7 March 2008
Pollen - 4 March 2008
Population - 25 March 2008
Prostitution - 23 March 2008, 26 March 2008
Public transport - 30 March 2008
Restaurants - 2 March 2008, 7 March 2008, 15 March 2008, 17 March 2008, 19 March 2008, 20 March 2008
Roads - 18 March 2008, 26 March 2008
Samira Restaurant - 15 March 2008
Scandal - 16 March 2008
Seasonal workers - 5 March 2008
Sex tourism - 23 March 2008
Sleeping policemen - 1 March 2008
Smugglers Bar - 12 March 2008
Spanish television - 5 March 2008
Sport - 9 March 2008
Staff - 29 March 2008
Zapatero, Jose Luis Rodriguez - 10 March 2008