The Thin Blue Line Of Magalluf

It was some time last summer. There was talk of the Thin Blue Line being etched into the sands of the Calvia coastline. A certain newspaper, Spanish, which isn't part of the same group as "The Bulletin", considered the matter. Oh deary me, how they considered it. Let's just accept that it was a typo. Or was it? British "boobies" could soon be patrolling the streets of Mallorca's streets. Rowan Atkinson's "Thin Blue Line" would relocate to the island with inevitably hilarious consequences. In fact, were they to do another "Blackadder", Edmund and Baldrick (suitably attired in feminine uniform) would be pursuing the latter's cunning plan. "Patrol in hours of daylight, Mr. B. It's when they'd least expect it." "Don't be a booby, Baldrick."

Instead of course, and unbeknownst to anyone, they were bringing back "The Bill". June and Carver were reunited for a one-off summer special. Knowledge of Mallorca and Spanish and all that, having been acquired at Sun Hill Police Station on account of all the Spanish crims that Roach, Tosh and Burnside had been banging up. If it was Mallorcan knowledge they were after though, then why not Sam Tyler and Gene Hunt? John Simm and Philip Glenister did after all spend time on the rock filming "Mad Dogs". "Life on Mars" policing circa the first half of the 1970s, a time when Judith Chalmers could appear on a pedalo with a champagne flute at the water's edge in Magalluf and utter the words "wish you were here" without the slightest sense of any irony.

Those were the days. Gene would have been his own one-man drunken tourism ASBO case. It's not how plod are today because they are all Sam Tyler: a plate of tapas, a discreet glass of tinto and early to bed. And truth be known, the M-resort is not what it was. Something had to be done in order for us all to talk about it again, as it is too damn quiet and well-behaved. June and Carver's arrival had all the flavour of After The Former Mayor's Show. With Simm-like doctoral transmogrification, Manu had morphed into Alfonso and the sun from this new era shone brightly on the shiny utopia of Calvia Beach, with the police box planted along Punta Ballena. The House of Tardis. Be agog when you enter this spectacular attraction, brought to you by the Sol brand of Meliá Hotels International. Everyone was smiling and happy and were so without the aid of chemicals. The trouble of course being, from June and Carver's perspective, that they were dealing with a load of Italians instead. That was it. It wasn't "The Bill" after all. It was Alex and Gene from "Ashes to Ashes" bringing their knowledge of the Italian restaurant.