Three Years On: Mallorca's Dark Side

Three years ago I wrote an article entitled "Conspiracy of Silence". It was provoked by a report in the German magazine "Stern". On the cover of a mid-summer edition was the headline "Mallorca, the dark side of the holiday island". Germans who I spoke to all knew of the report. It covered a range of issues, summed up in the leader column. Behind the facade of the Mallorcan brand, it read, was a great mass of misery, criminality and despair.

The subjects of the report were varied: corruption, drugs, poverty, the enormous gap between rich and poor and prostitution. Being a German publication, this latter subject was located in Arenal.

Since that report it might be said that little has changed. Yet there have been developments. Let's take one. Prostitution. In Arenal there have been several successful operations by the National Police against human-trafficking gangs controlling prostitutes, whose modus operandi has typically been the same as that of the prostitutes of Magalluf. The prostitution is essentially a front for violent criminality.

I'm not suggesting that the report had anything to do with those subsequent operations, but taken as a body of work with the range of subjects it covered, the report certainly didn't go unnoticed. No major holiday destination worth its salt wishes to see a foreign magazine on racks in resorts highlighting that destination's dark side.

"Stern" did or should have done everyone a favour. This was not a sensationalist report. It was serious as well as accurate. Yet of course there were, as there always are, the noises of the apologists and of those who are swift to condemn negative reporting: those who appear to prefer censorship and to shield their eyes and ears from realities that offend a paradisical sensitivity. Oh, so the narrative can go, this happens elsewhere. So what? We're not talking about elsewhere. We're talking about here. This was a reason why, three years ago, I referred to a conspiracy of silence. The truths that "Stern" spoke of were rarely confronted with honesty, and this is something for which there has been little development in the past three years, except the National Police's actions in Arenal and in the investigations of alleged local police corruption.

Only a couple of weeks ago I wrote another article: "See No Evil". This concluded by addressing what is arguably the single greatest blight not just on Magalluf but also on Mallorca's tourism reputation - the prostitutes and associated criminality. In Arenal there has been some success. In Magalluf ... ?

There are further conspiracies: those of obfuscation and diversion. These are ones designed to conceal (or at least fail to coherently tackle) the dark side, preferring the diversion of actions to eliminate (it is hoped) behaviours which, while unacceptable, principally result in self-harm, the injuries of alcohol-fuelled fist fights and the run-ins with cops. The youth of Great Britain (or indeed from elsewhere) parading along Punta Bellend with its collective arse hanging out of its shorts or taking a tumble from a hotel balcony is not - per se - acting with criminal intent. The response to this, though, is to apply ordinance with fines attached. Communications are then used to demonstrate how change and transformation are to be brought about and are being brought about. Welcome to the "new" Magalluf of Calvia Beach. Fine. But what about the dark side?

These conspiracies - silence, obfuscation and diversion - were displayed at the time of the Stacey Dooley documentary. Whatever one thought about that, it was not fundamentally wrong. Rather, it was fundamentally right, including the part about the prostitutes. Criticised for having been sensationalist, it lacked (an argument went) the seriousness of, say, the "Stern" report. But lo and behold, what was to happen? The mamading video is what happened, and it gave ample excuses to concentrate on anything other than the real dark side.

"The Daily Star", it might be said, also lacks seriousness. Even within the ranks of British red-tops it struggles to be taken seriously. But it has now turned its attention to the prostitutes. One takes it as a compliment that, as part of this, it quoted pretty much word for word from a "Bulletin" report. (I know, I wrote it.)

Because of its sensationalism, assuming it and the Trip Advisor comments the report also referred to, are ever taken any notice of in Calvia village, there will doubtless be the silence, the obfuscation and the diversion. It simply isn't good enough. It is time that Calvia and the national government's delegation to the Balearics (because of its responsibilities for security matters and the security forces) started making clear, totally clear statements about the prostitutes. Started being totally clear as to how there is to be eradication. And if not, why not. People have had enough of the obfuscation. Let there be honesty. In the process, people might then have belief in elected officials.

See No Evil: Magalluf crime

The July-August 1989 issue of a publication devoted to Palmanova and Magalluf offered its thoughts about Magalluf. The publication was "Entre Tots". The main article had to do with "everything being in a mess". There was building work going on in the middle of summer. The then deputy mayor was quoted as saying that the town hall (Calvia) was wanting to "beautify" Magalluf. The plan was for a transformation into green areas with a boulevard of fountains, new street lighting, more trees, more benches within three years. That would have meant 1992.

It may not have escaped your attention that there has been a transformation in Magalluf. It started to take place nineteen years after the previous one was meant to have been completed. You surely have to know about this transformation, because it is constantly referred to. The town hall and hoteliers, a mix of public and private sector, have brought into being the "new" Magalluf.

That same edition in 1989 also featured an interview with the local police. There was a reference to there being a "restructuring of the force". Sounds familiar? Yes, because there's now another one. This restructuring, as with the current one, was in response to specific needs. In 1989, these were identified, inter alia, as illegal street selling, the activities of PRs ("tiqueteros"), night-time noise and public order and security on the beaches. The police would not be engaging in "repressive" action, it was said, but with "preventive" action.

Twenty-seven years on, and what has changed? Well, as part of the transformation into "new" Magalluf, bylaws and commands are issued with regularity. Together with police restructuring, these will deal with anti-social behaviour and the sort of petty illegality, such as street selling, that had existed well before "Entre Tots" was talking about it in 1989. Bylaws are made. Enforcing compliance is another issue.

There have been big changes since the late 1980s. Back then in what was still a pre-internet era, there were no videos of sexual activities to be disseminated via YouTube and other social networks. There was no specific talk of the phenomenon of "balconing". If there was prostitution, then it was prostitution as it was described on the tin: selling sex and that was all.

If you consider these three aspects, you get a clear impression of how the "new" Magalluf is working, or isn't working, and of what the main messages from the town hall (and others) have focused on and are focusing on. One of the latest attempts is "#Magalive". How to be responsible (young) tourists, how to have fun without getting totally bladdered or totally off the head on drugs or both. Well intentioned enough, but there will have been those not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

The petty illegality is as it was in 1989, but since then something very much more sinister has emerged. Everyone knows what it is, and yet the town hall (and others) bang on endlessly about anything but. Behind the campaigns to stop the use of laughing gas or people falling off balconies, there is the very much darker side - the muggings, the violence, the drugs.

I once wrote that there was a situation of the three wise monkeys' see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil in Magalluf: a situation of heads in sand, hoping that no one pays any heed to people being assaulted by violent prostitutes and others. Amidst all the campaigns and notices that have emanated from the town hall in recent months, where have been ones addressing the prostitutes and the other attendant sinister aspects of the resort? Three wise monkeys. The question is: who are they?

There is a new Facebook page (see how things have changed since 1989). It is called Calvia Crimewatch. Essentially, it is Magalluf with some Santa Ponsa thrown into the mix. Since being launched last Friday, it has at time of writing (Sunday lunchtime) almost 500 group members.

It would be easy for me to simply quote from this page, but to do so would not do justice to the overwhelming sense of outrage and to the numerous anecdotes related to violence, theft and more, or to some of the photos that are appearing and the threats targeted at those who attempt to photograph acts of criminality. No, it would be far too simple. You can see for yourselves anyway. So can the town hall, were it of a mind to. So can foreign media. So can police, so can the national government's delegation to the Balearics. So can anyone who might want to actually gain an appreciation as to realities in "new" Magalluf.

We've heard the excuses, we've heard the announcements of action to be taken which seem rarely or ever to materialise. Excuses, reasons are no longer acceptable. What does it take? People to get killed?

See No Evil, Hear No Evil: Problems in paradise

The other day I was driving past Hidropark. Two local police officers were involved with a woman. I suspect I know why. In the past I have seen local police officers involved with other women. Around the Mile for example. The flower-lady pickpockets. They exist in many parts of Mallorca. They have existed for years in Alcúdia, but Alcúdia doesn't have the same scale of problems that other resorts do. It is neither Magalluf nor Playa de Palma. It isn't even Cala Rajada.

Last year there were any number of complaints in Cala Rajada about the drunkenness and antics of young German tourists. Cala Rajada doesn't usually rank highly in the "dark summer" league table, principally because it has fewer tourists than the Big Two, which vie with each other for dark summer champion dominance, and because it doesn't have the same history of summer darkness. But it is in the league nevertheless, as is Alcúdia.

And so even is nice, quiet, genteel Puerto Pollensa. It has its massage girls and its lookies. It has the local police and the Guardia meeting with the government delegate to the Balearics to discuss operations this summer to combat, among other things, the "venta ambulante" on the beaches. Another resort that is comparatively lowly placed in the summer darkness league table is Playa de Muro, heading ever more to the promised land of five stars and Russian tourism but, as was reported last year, plagued by similar problems to those on the beaches of Puerto Pollensa. 

I am not intimately familiar with every resort of any great size in Mallorca, but I would guess that every resort has similar issues to contend with. It is easy to single out the Big Two and brand them league leaders, but it is an ease that comes partly because of a longer history of problems, partly because of sheer numbers, partly because of a particular type of tourism.

Yet, as the complaints in Cala Rajada revealed last year, Playa de Palma is not the only resort where younger Germans congregate; those with lower net worth but with an abundance of Red Bull-fuelled energy to be spent on getting blind drunk.

"Bild" really has done everyone a favour. There are of course the deniers, but finally the message may just be getting through. It is revealing that, while the immediate aftermath of the "Bild" dark summer splash brought about the inevitable placing of fingers in the ears - "la la la, I can't hear you" - the ears, along with the heads, have now risen out of the sand and blinked through the formerly rose-tinted sunglasses of a looky-looky man and seen that paradise has been lost. 

For too long, the denial has been predicated on a paradisical blindness and deafness to see no evil and hear no evil. This blunting of senses, invaded only periodically and temporarily by the sight of blood and vomit on the streets and the wails of police and ambulance sirens, has induced a quasi-utopian world view, one stripped of a cognitive appreciation that a certain dystopia may exist. It has further induced the disbelief that the voracious Hannibal Lecters of a pap-sensation-seeking media can firstly exist and secondly lead lambs to the slaughter in the way they did in Magalluf.

A prescription for troubles in Playa de Palma is that the tourist profile needs to change. Get rid of the low-cost, low-net-worth, low-20s lumpendrunkenproletariat and all the problems will disappear. Like prostitutes. Really? Replace it with high-cost, high-net-worth, high-40s or 50s and the mugging whores may disappear, but in their place might well come the high-class hookers, hanging around the bars of the newly five-starred Playa de Palma. They would have no need to nick a mobile. Need a new iPhone? Your place or mine?

Tourism attracts crime. This is an unfortunate fact of life. Tourism attracts different types of tourist. This is a fact of tourism life. How does a resort remove its less desirable tourist elements? It doesn't, unless the tour operators remove them and unless local businesses refuse to pander to them.

Problems in the resorts can be both overstated and understated, but they cannot be dismissed. And nor can they be treated by indulging in blame games. There are those who should be exempt from blame. Local police forces, the Guardia, the emergency services; they are the heroes not the villains. They work according to their resources, according to constraints and according to political inertia, business priorities and an historical blindness and deafness - see no evil, hear no evil.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Sandcastle Wars

At the start of last month, a storm caused pine trees to be uprooted along Puerto Pollensa's pine walk and Pollensa town hall to ask the Costas Authority to pay rather greater attention to the pine walk than it had been. An aspect of local government in Mallorca that some may be unaware of is that land which is in the proximity of beaches and sea (and some land which isn't right next to the coast) is ultimately the responsibility of the Costas, i.e. the Balearics division of the Costas, itself a part of the national environment ministry and so therefore part of the national government. The town halls work in co-operation (usually) with the Costas in managing this land as well as the beaches themselves, but it is the Costas which have the final say.

Whether the Costas have taken any notice of the request for better maintenance of the pine walk I don't know, but they have addressed a matter in Puerto Pollensa that is obviously far more urgent. In a manner to which many have become accustomed in understanding how the Costas operate, they have marched in with their heavy boots and, metaphorically if not physically, trampled all over the elaborate sandcastles that are built on a tiny part of beach near to the quay which leads to the yacht club. They have fined the bloke who builds the sandcastles. Fined him just over two grand.

The justifications for the fine are that the chap has no permission to build the castles and that they occupy public space, thus denying other beach users the use of this space which is, in any event, the property of the state. The Costas also suggest that the sandcastle man has benefited financially. The fine is said to equate to what the Costas believe he has received. The sandcastle man says he has not received a single euro.

Whether he has received money from admiring tourists or whether he hasn't, the Costas action is heavy-handed to say the least. Though the sandcastles endure through the summer, they are not, by their very nature, permanent structures. They are in fact quite marvellous pieces of art and skill that have become something of an attraction in their own right. They do not deny beachgoers the use of beach because there is plenty more beach to go around. The fine is an utter nonsense.

In British newspaper cliché style, the Costas action is an example of "the world going mad", a cliché I would normally avoid like the plague, but in this instance it is probably appropriate. It is jobsworthyism of the highest order. Pollensa town hall, for its part, says there is nothing to stop the building of sandcastles and that, in any event, their building is not included among those activities that the Costas demand the town hall to rubber-stamp (like, for instance, contracts for managing the beaches, a subject about which we are only too familiar). All one can say is thank Heavens there isn't a procedure which requires permission to build sandcastles; the whole matter is totally ridiculous.

There is, however, a further aspect to all this. One that has not, as far as I am aware, become a factor in Puerto Pollensa sandcastle building, but which is elsewhere on the island and is one that would also be of interest to the Costas but which is of even greater interest to police forces.

Over the summers of 2010 and 2011, a sandcastle war developed on Playa de Palma. It was one that elements of the local Spanish media delighted in reporting, as they could wheel out the M-word (mafia) and state that the war was all the work of Romanians, and Romanian "mafias" specifically. (The local press appears to take special pleasure in being able to single out certain foreign nationalities.)

The war involved extortion, as sandcastle builders were clearly receiving a financial benefit and a pretty reasonable one at that. It also involved the destruction of rival sandcastles and the castles being the centre for other activities, for example the sale of drugs. The problem got so bad last year that Palma town hall instructed the beach operator to level castles when it was cleaning beaches each evening. The operator had to have police accompaniment. Even this didn't do the trick, as the castles would be re-built.

The story of Playa de Palma's sandcastle war serves as a warning. Not because of what the Costas might seek to extract as a fine (which is an absurdity) but because of how sandcastle building, an innocent activity one would think, can turn into something that is rather more sinister.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Blending In: Petty crime in Mallorca

Police in Capdepera, for which read primarily Cala Rajada, last week issued advice about security on beaches. This followed an increase in the number of reports of theft that the police had been receiving.

The advice was, or should be, pretty obvious. Only take limited amounts of money with you. Leave credit cards, cameras and other equipment back in the hotel. Assuming, that is, that there isn't a problem with theft at the hotel. One other piece of advice was to not turn your back on your belongings while in the sea, which would be interesting to witness were everyone to follow the advice. If you can't do a backstroke, then you can forget having a swim.

The beach is a place where it is easy to be lulled into a false sense of security. No one expects to have their stuff nicked, and time was when there really wasn't that much to nick. Nowadays, there is. The entire contents of a Dixon's, for example. The ad for Amazon's Kindle, the one with the young woman looking delighted while reading whatever she was reading, the screen perfectly legible in the bright sun of the beach, didn't make any mention of the fact that the Kindle would be the target of a beach thief once the back was turned and a gentle breaststroke was being performed.

Why take all the electronics to the beach anyway? The answer is simple. Because you have it; be it a phone, a camera, an iPad, whatever it might be. I confess that I take a phone with me, but it's a rubbish phone; I wouldn't dream of taking a smartphone.

Is crime, and particularly petty crime, on the increase? It would seem that it is. British Consul Paul Abrey was on BBC's Radio One saying that it was (in Ibiza at any rate). Economic hard times mean increased crime. Logical. Pickpocketing appears to be rampant, given the tales of woe from those who have had their wallets lifted.

Detecting the villains, though, isn't easy. And even when you think you have detected one, you really can't be sure. I'll give an example. A few years ago, there was an incident at an Eroski. An aged British tourist had been pickpocketed. He pointed at a character heading away from the shop. I went in pursuit, together with another tourist, a burly Brit who looked as though he might be handy. The alleged villain obviously thought the same when we caught up with him. I felt sorry for him as he clearly believed he was about to be on the end of a good slapping. He wasn't, and of course he had nothing on him. So had he been the pickpocket? Had he passed on his booty? Maybe and maybe. Or maybe not.

The Capdepera police also made the point that the "delinquents" (I'm translating literally) dress like other beach users. They blend in. They don't stand around with masks over their eyes and walk away from the scene of the crime with a large bag bearing the word "SWAG" in large lettering. Which is decidedly inconsiderate of them.

Blending in is how it is. The flower sellers never used to exactly blend in of course, and they still managed to have it away with your wallet, and God knows where they disappeared to. Into thin air. I once went in pursuit of one of them as well, when a German tourist was robbed outside the same Eroski. No sign. Absolutely none whatsoever. They were a bit of a giveaway, though. Other blenders-in are the timeshare (sorry, holiday club) touts. They're back. In Alcúdia at any rate, but seem far less aggressive than was once the case. I had a chat with one of them. Only interested in the Scandinavians; they're the ones with money. But business isn't brisk apparently; Tenerife is much better.

At least with the touts they don't rob you there and then. Indeed, they don't rob you at all. They're just after the commissions; you can't really blame them for wanting to make some money. It's the other blenders-in who are the problem. The ones who bump into you, come up to you in an overly matey fashion, ask you for the time. So, the police advice for the beach goes for the streets as well.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

MALLORCA TODAY - Sa Pobla tackles rising crime

The local police in Sa Pobla will work more closely with the Guardia Civil in an effort to stamp out an increase in crime in the town, one of the measures announced being that the local police will be able to share computer-based information held by the Guardia.

See more: Diario de Mallorca

Fun Loving Criminals: Insecurity in Mallorca

How safe or secure do you feel or would you feel in Mallorca? According to a survey by the polling organisation Gadeso, reported in "The Diario", just over a third of those living in Mallorca have been in some way affected by various crimes related to cars, property or to the person. In Ibiza, the number rises to almost a half; Menorca has a better record, it would seem. In addition to actual incidents, the feeling of insecurity is increasing, and both real and imagined crimes are being blamed primarily on immigrants and the unemployed.

There is at least one factor that has to be taken into account when considering these figures, and that is the number of second homes that are left unattended. Many of these are only visited in the summer and belong to people from the hinterland. Their very proliferation does perhaps tend to make the statistics seem worse, as there is so much temptation to rob.

An impression that may exist, among some, is that Mallorca is full of fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, sunny-dispositioned people who would never dream of nicking your car or relieving you of your DVD player. It is, unfortunately, a false impression. Fun-loving criminals might be more appropriate, though one has to be careful in not overstating the situation. Crime, though, there most certainly is, and in Ibiza in particular there is another contributing factor - drugs.

At times of economic hardship, one has, I guess, to accept that crime will rise and that feelings of insecurity will go up as well. Much of it is petty, but one only has to look around to see that if it's not tied down, it's likely to be lifted. See those empty butane bottles outside a restaurant. Chained up. Those tables and chairs outside a restaurant. Similarly restrained. I once had a pair of old Reebok trainers that were falling to pieces nicked from a terrace. I have also been broken into.

Immigrants being put in the frame is, one also has to guess, to be expected. Another survey by Gadeso recently revealed that it was felt that there were too many immigrants in Mallorca. Again, not really a surprise. "The Diario" asked the question whether "we" (the Mallorcans) were racists. It suggested not, but did believe that there was xenophobia. It might be difficult to distinguish between the two.

A while ago, I was interviewed by a chap called Ben (not the Ben who often appears on this blog) as part of a university project. He asked about racism, explaining that he had encountered racist attitudes. These were, I had to surmise, directed towards certain nationalities. And in this respect, there is racism, but it is not something that comes to the surface. Or rarely seems to. In Palma there are different issues, those of gangs, but away from the capital, one would have to say that while racism does exist - and where doesn't it? - it is not a major issue. I did though have to check with Ben when he asked me the question. Was he referring to the Mallorcans or to the British?

One has to accept that Mallorca has undergone an enormous change in the past four decades, and immigration has contributed to this. Such a societal change is bound to create some tension. It's obvious, as it is obvious anywhere. But it might be remembered that the Mallorcans traditionally reserved most of their "xenophobia" not for those from other countries but for those from mainland Spain - the "forasters".


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Breaking And Entering

An isolated house in the countryside. Middle of the afternoon. Two youths break in to the house. They pistol-whip a man in his sixties who is there alone. They hightail it with a third person, clutching 300 euros. One hundred each. Just for knocking someone semi-conscious.

Where did this occur? Off the main road between Can Picafort and Santa Margalida. I know the road well. Along it there isn't a great deal. The Santa Eulália rural hotel apart, there is virtually nothing until you get to the Es Turó / S'Alqueria restaurant and then, a kilometre or more further along, come into Santa Margalida. All that you find are one bar and tracks off for a few houses and fincas, isolated, in the country; idyllic in their quietness until, that is, a couple of thugs destroy that idyll. It's ideal, I guess, if you want to do a bit of thieving and burglarising.

An isolated house and maybe an isolated incident. One can but hope. But bad times lead to bad things. And it is not just the villas of the rich that are the targets. When someone had his flat in Puerto Alcúdia burgled, the Guardia remarked that anyone is a target now. There used to be a sort-of Robin Hood code, but not any longer. The Guardia are anticipating that there will be an increase in this sort of crime. It's hardly a surprising, if depressing, conclusion.

One can of course get carried away and start imagining households under siege from non-existent gangs of burglars, but anyone with an image of Mallorca as a place of open doors and exclusively happy-go-lucky people having fun is sadly deluding him or herself. Why do you suppose there is all that security fronting properties that I mentioned yesterday? The island may once have been largely crime-free, but its very success (for which read also wealth), its population increase and its social disparities (to say nothing of drugs) have fomented crime.

When I was speaking the other day with Jim and Ray from the association of British businesses and residents, one thing that came up was policing. Jim is a former policeman, and he was talking about a need for community policing. It is just one approach. Locally, one is aware of the local police doing the rounds in a car a couple of times a day and one also sees them at night. The Guardia also put in a drive-by appearance. I'm not sure how much of a deterrent this all is. Perhaps with the growth in unemployment and a willingness to splash public money, the government and the town halls could create job opportunities for more policing - policing aimed at patrolling the local neighbourhoods.


Alcúdia is apparently aiming to make itself the island's number one "leisure-craft resort" (reports "The Bulletin") and is among the marinas promoted by the Spanish Turespaña marketing body. Good news perhaps, though where they will find the space for more moorings, other than floating ones, I'm not sure. There is also the idea that the redevelopment of the commercial port and the building of the terminal will attract leisure cruisers, something that one considers with a degree of scepticism. But it may happen, and again would be no bad thing.

All this activity, if one can call it such, among the waterworldists comes at a time when a production company is seeking a commission from a UK television network for a drama series, set in a "luxury yachting marina" (again as mentioned by "The Bulletin"). Going under the working title of "Skippers", it would, apparently, feature "racy storylines", glamorous and hunky actresses and actors and be a boon to Mallorca's tourism. The likelihood is that, were it to be made, it would be based in the south. Portals springs to mind. It sounds a bit like "Howards' Way" with more money and sun and Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff chests. One wonders just how representative it would be. A series with the shallower but upper echelons of the expat food chain of the waterworld would, I would suggest, be fairly unrepresentative. There is scope for an altogether grittier drama about real life in Mallorca, but they probably wouldn't make that, preferring instead some reality docuTV about some poor saps for whom it's all gone wrong. And I think they may have done that already.

But a real-life drama, not one of intrigue featuring contemporary-day slimeball Ken Masters's or Charles Freres in waterworld, would be more compelling. They could show how it is, not how it is imagined. It could start with a man in his sixties being pistol-whipped. Now I think of it, wasn't one of the first ever storylines in "Eastenders" about an old man being robbed?


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Prince, but because his stuff is barred from youtube, here is the Simple Minds version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDTruFjP57s). Today's title - this was a film for which the "lager, lager" people were partly responsible for the soundtrack. Who were they and what was the lager track?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Pick Up The Pieces

He was an elderly gentleman. He couldn't move very quickly. He was shouting after a portly man in a green top and red shorts. His wife came out of the supermarket. She looked at me. Her husband had a heart condition. He had been pickpocketed.

I drove down the side road by Eroski and pulled the car up in front of green top. A very large English tourist was making his way down the road as well. Eventually the elderly gentleman arrived as well. Green top turned his pockets out. Nothing. The elderly gentleman was convinced. I was threatening a call to the police, but it would have been a waste of time. There was nothing. Maybe it was a mistake. I apologised to green top. He apologised. I'm not quite sure why; probably as he didn't actually have the missing wallet. Perhaps he had slipped it to an accomplice. Or it was just a mistake.

It had happened in the Eroski store, the same one out front of which had occurred the pickpocketing by a carnation seller that I spoke about back in March. The very large English tourist commented that you don't expect this sort of thing to happen here. Unfortunately, you do, or should. And so the elderly gentleman with the heart condition went back to the Platja D'Or to report his cards missing, his money gone, his hotel key also gone; at least they could issue him with a re-programmed one.

Then this morning. Playa de Muro's municipal buiilding. There are several people sitting and waiting to see the Guardia. A rep is with one old couple and she is talking with one of the staff at reception, explaining what has been taken; the receptionist says she will help to file the statement with the Guardia.

Petty crime. And it can ruin a holiday. Get your pocket picked, and you are left to try and pick up the pieces of not only what has been stolen but also the shock of its occurrence and the negativity of the experience. It can stain one's attitude to a place. It can happen anywhere, but one just worries that there is more of it about, and that it might increase. The UK Home Office has predicted a rise in property crime as recession bites. There's no reason to think it will be any different here.


OPEN-WATER SWIMMING
This Saturday (6 September) will see the latest annual "Travessa-Xtreme", the open-water swimming race from Formentor beach to the San Pedro cove in Mal Pas, a 7 kilometre dash and splash of foam, arms and legs across the bay of Pollensa, except of course it is no dash - it takes nearly two hours for Olympic swimmers to do the 10 kilometre race. It is a popular event, one about which enquiries are made to the websites from the UK. At its competitive level, the Travessa reflects the interest in the Olympics open-water swimming, which proved to be a surprisingly engrossing spectator event, not least because of the heroics of Natalie du Toit and Maarten van der Weijden. At a recreational level, open-water swimming is becoming an increasingly popular active form of holiday, but not, as far as I am aware, in Mallorca. Maybe someone can put me right on that. It could be that open waters around the island can just be too turbulent, no more so than in Pollensa bay. For the competitive swimmer, an aggressive freestyle in the swirl may be a challenge; less so perhaps for the recreational swimmer bobbing along gently with a girly breaststroke.

More information about the swim is to be found on the WHAT'S ON BLOG. Note that there is also a swim on 20 September.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Banderas, "This Is Your Life" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rcLLa5mPvU). Today's title - instrumental plus this line: easy.

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I'm A Cowboy, On A Steel Horse I Ride

It's not Southfork but it is a ranch. I was there the other day. Rancho Grande. Big ranch in a small country, well island. There is though a touch of the wild west even if we are heading to the east of Mallorca. Wild, as this is just land, dust, mountains to the back, dunes away towards the beach at Son Serra. Otherwise there's the house, in which one might anticipate Ben and the boys pondering the Ponderosa - Hoss and Little Joe, the two least likely of television brothers until Coronation Street tried to claim that Steve and Andy McDonald were twins. But of course there are no Cartwrights, only Pepe and the rest. And past the house is the terrace and the vast barbecue before one gets to the little zoo, the wagons, the swans, the peacocks and parrots and all those horses. The land, the ranch stretches away, and one awaits the arrival of an imaginary posse or Wyatt, Wild Bill or Jessie. I'm a cowboy; I'm wanted dead or alive.

Take the entrance track and there's a cowgirl on horseback to greet the visitors and to usher them towards the photo shoot. One of the first times I went to the ranch, a group turned up and one of its members started belittling the head and shoulders photos with a cowboy hat. Forget your cynicism. And maybe you'll forget a lot more as the sangria flows, the barbecue is stoked and the music starts. There used to be the single worst act I have ever seen in Mallorca at the ranch, and that is saying something. But he was that bad he was brilliant. And keep forgetting that cynicism and stomp with the line-dancing. There is music, much of it cowboy-themed; Natasha Bedingfield seemed somewhat incongruous the other day. In this vast open space there is not too much worry about neighbours and limiters, the music drifts out towards the darkness where somewhere is the sea and the moonlight riders.

This is the most friendly of places. I'm standing by the queue for the photos and a quad bike comes bumping across the raw-sienna earth. "Hombre." It's the Spanish learnt from Westerns. Hombre, amigo. On the straight stretch of road heading out of Can Picafort towards Son Serra is a sign off to the left which bears the words "El Paso". It's not John Wayne but Pepe on the quad; I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. Another time I was standing at the same spot and this boy asked me if he could stroke a horse. Sometimes you detect a sadness, and it was touching as the horse blew gently. Animal therapy.

Some things come and go, but there has been a Martorell family horse business since the early '60s; it used to be in Puerto Pollensa. Forty-five years and they issued a photo souvenir to celebrate. Grainy photos of Pepe and his father, a shot in the streets of Muro in from 1966 and from 1973 by the Molins bay at Cala San Vicente, and then to today and the animals, the dancing and the cowboys.


HOUSE OF PAIN (THE BREAK-IN REMIX)
I bumped into John-Michael this morning. A lot of folk know Michael; one-time Bar Bamboo, then he ran Dreams for a period and was at Epcot after that. How is it all going? Ok, but shit. Why's that? Break-in. First-floor flat around the Magic area of Alcúdia. A couple of grand swiped off a credit card plus DVD player, PC ... .

You kind of expect tourist places to be more of a target in summer, but by no means exclusively. One neighbour had a break-in two Augusts ago; another, kitted out with state-of-the-art security (well now anyway), woke up to find an uninvited guest in the early hours. My place was done in February; more like you might anticipate as there's no one much about. I have a cricket bat, my old Gunn and Moore. It has a fine sweet spot. For one with a reputation as a Chris Tavaré dogged opener, the time I got in one good stride to an opening quick and with not much effort watched the ball sail far and far over his head into some Cambridgeshire woodlands was testimony to its good middle. It's heavy as well, a 3-pounder. It stands in a convenient position in the house.

There was that politician recently who said that the "crisis" might result in more crime. Could be, I guess. One thing is that there are going to be more this winter who have not done the required number of months to qualify for unemployment benefit. Michael was saying that it's not as if this is the first time there has been recession; it will be about the fourth in four decades. In the past people have just struggled through as best they can. But people change and the number of people increases, and so the temptations and the opportunities change and increase. It's not though that it's a case of robbing from the rich. The million-euro and much more villas have tended to be the magnets; not only them now, according to the Guardia. Anything will do.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - "Jump Around" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZZADbubu0Y). The Robin Williams connection? Among the schmaltz of Mrs Doubtfire was a funny scene of a kids' party with this as the music. Today's title - I never got it with this band, but this was damn good.

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Pick A Pocket Or Two

Do you recall the ad for "The Guardian" newspaper, the one in which it looks as though a skinhead is about to attack a businessman, but it turns out he is going to push him away from falling scaffolding? Things are not always as they seem. I thought initially that it wasn't as it seemed. There was only one of them after all. I had always thought there would be two. The exchange ended with smiles, a few seconds later the day had been turned upside down. How long does it take to make a perfectly normal day less than normal? Not long at all.

It was because there was only one that I thought maybe it was not what immediately came to mind, that it had, after all, been just the offer of two carnations for two Germans who appeared enchanted at the flowers. I only saw her walk off as I pulled up. It was not as though I saw the whole thing. Then a few seconds passed before the realisation. He ran after her, I ran after him, but where the Hell had she gone? I drove off along the carretera, into the sides roads by the lake. Disappeared. Into thin air. No trace. Disappeared with 300 euros.

It happened in front of the Eroski Syp supermarket in Puerto Alcúdia, opposite the Ivory Playa. That was the other thing. It seemed like an innocuous place for it to happen. I should know better.

Description: apologies but I cannot help saying Romany appearance, woman, quite tall, long black hair, mid 40s perhaps, wearing I think a kind of leopard-skin affair.

Carnation sellers. They are not what they seem. Avoid them or raise a hue and cry or perhaps use that scream and finger-point of identification that was in "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers".


QUIZ
Yesterday - Gene Hunt - "The Jean Genie" (Bowie). Today's title - what musical? Very, very easy.

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Police And Thieves

One of the myths about Mallorca is that it is a paradise of perfectly behaved humanity who would no more covet a neighbour’s oxen (and rustle them) than they would lift the neighbour’s handbag or wallet and break into his house. It is bullshit of course, though all things are relative. The Balearics have the highest crime rate in Spain. I was told today that the Guardia are anticipating a busy summer. The influx of visitors each year brings with it increased criminality by comparison with winter, and each year a call goes out for increased policing to combat it.

Much crime is low level – break-ins, car theft and the like – but to try and paint a picture, as some do, of a wholly virtuous society in which people leave their backdoors open and go out for the day would be quite wrong. By the same token, one stresses that all things are relative, and it is not exactly as if the island is sliding into a morass of criminality.

Perhaps the greatest problem the island suffers is drugs. Where isn’t it, one might well ask. The concentrated police activity in the Son Banya shanty in Palma, which has gained a certain notoriety for drugs, is mirrored – if less dramatically – by the road blocks and searches that have occurred around Calvia over the past few weeks. For a period this winter, barely a week seemed to pass without a launch of contraband being intercepted or found on a beach. A while ago, there was a raid on a villa in Alcúdia as part of an operation against drugs.

To a large extent, the problems of crime are centred around or near Palma. The city now has to contend with a gang culture, a latino gang culture. This is no West Side Story. In the north, the tensions are far lower, though here, such as in my urbanisation, the police and Guardia do a tour five times a day. There is no such thing as neighbourhood watch, but the chap who keeps the roads and pavements clean and clears the weeds is one of the best eyes and ears we have. He was one of the first to whom I spoke after a break-in.

Yesterday there was a ram-raid incident. Bar Mosquito by the horse roundabout in Puerto Alcúdia. Bang, straight through and off with the slot machines. Shit happens, I guess, and it happens anywhere. Not so long back in Puerto Pollensa, I was in one British bar. A policeman in the bar was called out. There had been a robbery at another (British) bar.

When people ask about crime here as a part of their information-gathering before a holiday, the response tends to be to warn them about things like the carnation sellers who cause a distraction while a purse is lifted. I’m not so sure this is so much of a problem now. But the advice all too easily represents an idyll of total safety. It is safe, but let’s not fool ourselves that Mallorca doesn’t have a crime problem because it does.


QUIZ
Yesterday – The missing word was “love” and it was Rose Royce. Today’s title – who wrote it?

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