If you were to select a symbolic image of Mallorca, what might it be? A sweaty karaoke bar? An all-inclusive poolside with thousands of sweaty bodies crammed up against each other clasping plastic cups? Or maybe it would be a palm tree, sweating with the effects of a killer beetle?
The palm tree is not native to Mallorca, but it is symbolic, albeit that it is also an imported symbol elsewhere, such as ... Torquay. It adds to a certain sense of the exotic, but it comes at a price. Palms need an awful lot of looking after. They are, quite frankly, a pain in the backside. And since the start of November, there is a new rule regarding disposal of branches. Small ones and bits of small ones can be dumped in the communal garden-refuse containers, but not the bigger ones. They have to be taken to Palma (appropriately enough) to be incinerated, thus requiring some special transport, a call in advance to make an appointment, the payment of a tax and probably payment to a gardener chappie for having arranged all this and for having chopped down the branches. And woe betide you if you want to get rid of whole chunks of trunk or even a whole tree - it could cost anything up to around four grand, which is why the killer beetle, that is on the prowl or on the wing to be more accurate, is a real menace. If this thing affects the palm, that's probably it. The whole tree may have to come down, costing a pretty centimo to anyone unfortunate enough to have one of these symbolic monstrosities lashing their branches against you when the wind blows. It's all well and good having nice bits of nature adorning the place, but not when their disposal might cost the same as buying a second-hand motor. In the circumstances, one might be thankful that palms don't generally fall over at the first hint of a strong gust, unlike pines, most of which are scrappy-looking, weedy Catweazling affairs, bent arthritically by the wind and riddled with the malevolent effects of that damn caterpillar.
Far better then to do away with the real thing and get a plastic substitute, like some have plastic hedges or plastic lawns. The latter may not be great at soaking up floodwater, unlike real grass and lawns, and are therefore distinctly environmentally unsound, but they don't need cutting. I'm all in favour, though to make them a tad more acceptable to the eco-lobby it might be better were they recycled from punctured bouncy castles. So, in this spirit of recycling, it was good to see that in Muro town they have erected a ruddy great plastic Christmas tree in front of the church, and a ruddy great plastic Christmas tree which, moreover, has been built with cans and water bottles. The great recycled Christmas tree of Muro, with more than a hint of Blue Peter about it. Save up your old Coke cans, kids, and we'll build our own ecologically correct tree in the Blue Peter garden. And here to do it are a John Noakes and a Valerie Singleton I made earlier from some discarded plastic terrace furniture.
Of course, the tree of many cans and bottles is a cheap option in these cash-strapped days. Perhaps the good people of Muro might have a word with the UK Serious Fraud Office which has splashed out 700 quid on hiring a Christmas tree. Give them time, four grand should secure a palm tree.
QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Mike & The Mechanics, "The Living Years", http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k. Today's title - "A Day In The Life Of A Tree", it was actually pretty rotten, the song that is. Who was it?
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