Monday, January 01, 2007

Awards Of 2006

And so here they are - The AlcúdiaPollensaBlogspot Annual Awards. After the first two, things take a turn for the worse...

The Best New Idea Of The Year: The nautical and sepia fairs in Puerto Alcúdia. (report of 1 April)


The Best New Bar Of The Year: JK’s in Puerto Pollensa.

The Worst Publicity For A Bar Award: Lineker’s in Puerto Alcúdia
Lineker’s Bar takes its name not so much from Gary but from his brother Wayne, though the connection with Gary has surely been fundamental to the development of the “brand”. Wayne has been a bit of a naughty boy, 200 grands’ worth of a naughty boy in fact. 200 grands’ worth of undeclared wads in suitcases of a naughty boy to be precise. And now he’s serving a term. (25 April)

The Most Shortlived Appropriately Named Chef Award: Oliver at Oliver’s
Olivers in Puerto Pollensa - has lost its Oliver. I’ll not go into the reasons, at least those that have been reported to me. But it’s knackered my line about the serendipity of there actually being a chef called Oliver. Not anymore there ain’t. Oops. (2 June; the restaurant had opened on 1 May)


The Daily Bulletin Award For Historical Inaccuracy: Discussing Christopher Columbus’s origins,
“The Bulletin” gave us this:
“Theories include claims that Columbus ... was born in Genoa, Italy in 1491.” Quite a feat for a one-year-old to have then discovered America. It also says: “What we do know, however, is that on May 20, 1606, he died in Valladolid”. Right place, wrong century. It was 1506, and he was 57 at the time. Oh dear, let’s just put it down to typos. (14 January)

The Lousy Journalism Of The Year Award: Euro Weekly
This is the front-page headline of the current “Euro Weekly” - “Clean Up Or Clear Out”. All very striking. What’s the story? Well it’s about dogs fouling pavements, especially the one at the back of the beach in Puerto Alcúdia. Fine, except that the whole “big story” is based on one lady and her family’s experience. Not even someone well-known, just a regular, ordinary tourist. From this, the paper conjures up a front-page story. Staggering. (30 September and also 9 November)


The Special Bryan Adams Award For Murdering What Was Already Lousy Music: Ecuadorean pipe players
So next time I’m trying to avoid a market and I hear the strains of canned Ecuadorean “Everything I Do ...” piping its way across a hot square, I will take one of the offending pipes and oblige by indeed doing it for them and placing it in a part of the anatomy perfectly moulded and sculpted to accept a pipe. (27 May)

The Naff Entertainment Award Of The Year: Elvis impersonators
Elvis became a fat, bloated cabaret artist; a drug-addled, burger-addicted, fat, bloated cabaret artist. And that was how he died. Why is he so impersonated? Sometimes for affection, and I apologise to fans who might disagree with my appraisal, but often because parodies are so easy to impersonate. Why, for instance, could so many people in the ‘60s and ‘70s impersonate Harold Wilson? Because they liked him? No. Because Mike Yarwood took the piss so effectively. (3 October)


The First Choice Contribution To Local Culture Award: Rep at a Puerto Pollensa hotel
Rep: “What’s this photo of?”

Me: The Calvari steps.

Rep: And this?

Me. The pinewalk, here in Puerto Pollensa.

Rep: Oh, yes I must go there some time.

How long has she been here? Two months. How close is the pinewalk to the hotel in question? Three minutes at a stretch. (19 June)

The Most Contentious Issue Of The Year Award: All-inclusives
There is no doubt that the AI attracts - in part - a low-rent market. We’ve heard enough of fighting and bad behaviour, of drunkenness, of kids hyper on Coke overdoses to know that such low rent exists. But it is not the whole truth. Far from it. There are plenty of people who opt for the AI for sound reasons. Some of them would rather go for something else, but the advantages are clear. (20 July)

The Greatest Aid To Father-Child Bonding While On Holiday: The baby buggy
A side effect of this buggy-based mass tourism is that fathers have discovered a whole new way of bonding with their small offspring. They bond through the medium of plastic and aluminium. (2 June)

The Find Some Totty To Promote Mallorca Award: Anna Kournikova
The ITB travel fair has been showcasing the Balearics and a certain Ms Anna Kournikova who - it would appear - is now the face of the Balearics. Why an average Russian female tennis-player, God knows. ... At the ITB, Mallorca has been working hard to promote itself as a place for active holidays (golf and tennis) and for cultural, gastronomic and leisure tourism. All well and good, but what about the low-grade tourism stuff? Does Anna Kournikova pitch up at an all-inclusive and get bladdered? I very much doubt it. (10 March)

The Sculpture Of A Tattooed Tourist Award For A Tourist With Poor Taste: Trev 69
Puerto Alcúdia. Bloke. T-shirt says “Trev” “69”.
There are several words that spring to mind, but there’s one in particular. Six letters, begins with T and ends with R, and it’s not Trevor. (21 May)


The Destruction Of The English Language Without Any Apparent Attempt At Irony Award: Taylor Woodrow
Taylor Woodrow. A well-known name in the construction industry. They are building on what was the Garbi hole in Puerto Pollensa. They have a slogan, an ungrammatical slogan. It is: “We build in Spain since 1958”. (8 September)

The Most Curious Environmentally Correct Award: “We need the sand”; Playa de Muro’s environmental protection
The notice informing us of this ends with a further request, namely that when people leave the beach could they kindly dust all the sand off themselves and their belongings, as the sand is needed. Strange thing to ask. How much sand can one person carry away with him or her? But that’s ecological sensitivity for you. (11 August)

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