Johnny Foreigners

It is fun reading what the British press has to say about expat life. Fun because it can be withering in its damnation. You need to have a thick skin if you live in Mallorca and to accept that you can be the object of satire, and at times vicious satire.

The other day, I mentioned Clarkson and his post office blag gag. There have been others, such as A. A. Gill and his character assassination of the by then ex-Keith Floyd and lampooning of Brits assembling for their all-day benders. The "Daily Mail" whipped up a storm two years ago when it addressed the shallowness of life in Mallorca's Portals Nous, only for it to be accused, at best, of misinterpretation. But it served a purpose. And with any of this, there is some basis in truth, and the truth can hurt.

The British press takes a certain delight in attacking the collective Aunt Sally that is the Brit expat community and giving her a periodic knocking. Fair enough. I do the same. But there is a difference. One of being here or being there. Distance, you might think, lends a greater objectivity. Perhaps. But it can also generate ignorance or prejudice. Not everyone is, for example, a Portals airhead.

On a tangential note, it was "The Sun" what did it over the fallout from the bombs two summers ago. The paper ran a most extraordinary item in which it reckoned that the bombs could spell the end of tourism in Spain and Mallorca. What was doubly extraordinary was that it was written by the paper's travel editor. The item wasn't so much irresponsible as complete drivel.

I treat travel pages in newspapers with great suspicion. Unless the writer is blessed with genius, like Adrian Gill, and demands to be read regardless, I wonder what the agenda is. Generally, and unlike the expat have-a-go, the travel pages are positive towards Mallorca. But there is always the punchline, as in so-and-so travelled with such-or-such a company. And if the writer is not Adrian Gill but, say, Louise Redknapp, then you do really have to wonder, especially when Louise, the boy Jamie in tow, discovered (in "The Mail") some "authentic" Mallorca. Where? Portals Nous.

All of which brings me to Christina Patterson. She's a good writer and penned a recent article in "The Independent" that was, notwithstanding the odd dig at some lousy tapas, highly positive. It still came with the punchline caveat, but it didn't matter. However, Ms. Patterson has some previous.

She once wrote an article about expats, the thrust of which was the old chestnut of integration (expats not speaking the language and all that) and of the expat treating Spain (and therefore also Mallorca) and Johnny Foreigner as though empire still existed and the pith helmet was de rigueur headwear.

I despair of the integration thing, not because it isn't an interesting topic but because it is used as a term without any attempt being made to define it. Suffice it to say, if expats couldn't care less about learning the lingo or prefer to spend their evenings watching "Corrie", then quite frankly who am I, or indeed is anyone, including Ms. Patterson, to say they're wrong.

But what was particularly galling about her invective was that she implied that people who had found their lives ruined because of what had turned out to be illegal housing pretty much had themselves to blame. She then mocked those who, on discovering they were in such a parlous situation, levelled accusations of corruption without appreciating that this is how things are in Spain.

Up to a point, she was right, but she should also know that plenty of Spaniards and Mallorcans complain about corruption and that they also stand to lose, or have lost, as a consequence of both corruption and illegal housing. Furthermore, another ingredient in the strife caused by buildings near the coasts is the old 1988 law, newly interpreted by the Costas' authority. A demand from Mallorcan landowners (not expats) means that the Costas now have to explain themselves to the European Parliament.

There are plenty of expats who do bring upon themselves the ridicule of the stereotype, and it is great fun to indulge in such ridiculing, but sometimes their lot is no laughing matter, especially when there is an issue of natural justice at stake; one that affects expats and also plenty of Spaniards and Mallorcans.


Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.

Plastic Beach: Alcúdia's beach bars

The beach bars of Alcúdia are to become smaller. The Costas' authority, the guardian warriors of beaches and anything else it can lay its legislative hands on, has said that the bars must be no bigger than 150 square metres. Some are bigger. Loss of size will probably mean loss of interior seating, which shouldn't necessarily be a negative for those who prefer to sit outside. But it could still mean another loss - of earnings. A few square metres here or there. Do they really matter? Alcúdia has a lot of beach. The bars do not exactly make a difference in terms of how many people can pack themselves in on the sand.

The reduction in size of the beach bars is one change. Another is to be the look and materials. The wooden balnearios are to be replaced with those made of concrete (and glass). This, apparently, is a law, one dreamt up by the Costas.

There is something distinctly odd about this. Firstly, there is the fact that there any permanent structures on the beach at all. The beach bars have a special dispensation to be there, which didn't stop them tearing down the Café Playero, which wasn't even on the beach. Secondly, there is the visual element. Is wood not a bit more appealing than concrete? You might have thought so. You might also have thought that wooden structures appeal more to a romantic sense of what the beach should be - any beach, not just Alcúdia's. Concrete? It seems to fly in the face not only of the Costas' own remit but also of what a tourist might actually wish to encounter.

Nevertheless, there may well be a practical side to this. Wood is not the most practical material to be let anywhere near a coastline. It rots, it warps, it expands, it contracts. Damp air and salt are not friends to wood, be it for shutters, gates, doors, whatever. Increasingly, one sees wooden shutters that have been replaced with alumunium. Steel roller shutters are becoming more popular. They may not look as attractive as wood, but they are considerably more sensible and more secure, and they are also more attractive than wood that has become scarred, chipped, broken and bent.

So the replacement of the wooden beach bars with concrete ones may also be sensible. Yet the stipulation for these new bars also covers the colour. They are to be white-washed. White. White, which discolours so easily. White, which may look brilliant when it is new but soon fades and looks anything other than brilliant. Why white? Here we seem to have another example of the trend towards neutrality of colour on the landscape. Could they not be more in keeping with the beach? Sand-coloured, brown like the wooden ones, blues or yellows.

Smaller beach bars. The size may not be that important. But white concrete ones? Could be worse; could be plastic. Now there's an idea - plastic beach bars; even the Costas wouldn't sanction that. Whatever. At least, rather than white, put some colour back into the beach.


QUIZ:
Right up to date. Plastic Beach. Who?

Any comments to andrew@thealcudiaguide.com please.