Don't Go Near The Water

Bacteria reside everywhere. To find them in a water-based environment would hardly be surprising - indeed it would be rather worrying if there were none - but it depends what they are, and there has been an alarm following the apparent discovery of the Escherichia coil (E. coli) bacterium in water at Albufereta, the little Albufera outside Alcúdia on the way to Puerto Pollensa. Now let me make it quite clear. I am no expert. But E. coli, so I always understood, was a bacterium of the gut, be it human or animal. It would not be something that would survive outside of a body for any great length of time - at least that is what I thought was the case. If I am wrong, do please tell me because I don't claim knowledge; in fact I don't claim any, not of course that it's stopped me in the past. Oh, and I say there has been an alarm; there hasn't been, as I don't know that anybody much knows about it.

But, if E. coli has indeed been found, how has it got there? There are different types of E. coli. It is possible, for example, that it comes from rabbits or seagulls - it would seem that beaches on Lake Michigan were closed a couple of years ago and that gull shit was a possible cause of the E. coli that was found which caused the closure. The bacterium in Albufereta is said to be in the aquifers, according to the report in "The Diario", and there is a call for the environment ministry, which denies that there is contamination, to conduct a study of all the wells in Pollensa in order to establish where the bacterium has actually come from. Furthermore, there is a call for an investigation into the state of the water in Albufereta, which - it is further claimed - has high levels of salinity.

Anyway, I'm sure that the chaps have all got it under control and that there is nothing at all to be worried about. And one would have hoped that this was the case for all those who went to Pollensa for the hunters' fair over the weekend. Apparently, and finally, this did seem to get some publicity. None that personally I was aware of, but I am told there was. After I had made reference to the fair more than a week ago (1 March), I did actually get concerned that perhaps I had got the year wrong, and that it was happening next year. My concern was caused by the almost total absence of any information. But never too late, there was finally some, and so the one hundred thousand plus euros that was spent by the Council of Mallorca on the fair would not have gone amiss after all. And I'm sure that we are all reassured by that.

For those who wish to make Pollensa the destination of choice when it comes to holiday lets, the fact that any E. coli is of small concern and under the watchful gaze and control of the environment ministry will be welcome news. There was a study of people coming into the airport, which asked about where they were staying. This found that close to 16% were headed for places of so-called residential tourism (apartments, villas in other words). This is not a very high percentage. The study, under the auspices of an academic at the university, has revealed a figure about half that which the Balearic Government believes, and a third of that which the head of the Mallorca hotel federation believes to be the case. How very interesting, you might think. And I shall go into more detail as to why it is all very interesting tomorrow.


Things that are starting again
As every year, as things start to spring back into action, so I duly make mention, if that is people tell me. So, what have we got? Foxes Arms is back in operation as from today, the cheery home of a Division One title romp and where, some day before the end of the season I imagine, the drinks will be on the house when Leicester indeed secure that title. And this Friday sees the resumption of trips out with No Frills Excursions, Valldemossa being the first of the season and the island trip scheduled for Sunday.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - The Temptations, "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61U90Pqo-rU); the group didn't much care for the sentiments of this song or others that Norman Whitfield created. They still sang it though. Today's title - well, not one of the better ones from which Californian group known for the water.

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Wherever He Laid His Hat Was His Home

Shopping Trolley gets around. One moment he's in the Magic area, pushing himself past Kroxan, and then he's down by Eroski, lurking under the branches of pines by the Platja d'Or. Not far, in this latter instance, from where Doggo is getting out the ghetto-blaster in the warm early March sun; he'll be bending balloons before we know it. Shopping Trolley must have a good fifteen bags; I underestimated the amount when I mentioned him before. Fifteen, could be more. One of them has a TV in. He was seen watching it once; it had been plugged in to an outside socket. Perhaps he looks for one such when he comes to pitch his tent at night: after all, a chap needs a reliable electricity supply to watch the telly before turning in for the night. The trolley itself has to be pretty sturdy. All those bags. It must take some pushing as well. I once saw him in the old town, just by the church. If he'd ventured up there along the cemetery road that would have been a push and a half - all those bags, some with household electrical goods in them: if only there was a house to hold them.

I used to think that Doggo, the Local Colour, wasn't a Man of Ideas, but I've had to revise that. Last couple of times in Eroski I've seen him handing over coins in return for cans of beer. He is incomprehensible, which is part of the definition of a Man of Ideas. At least the dog seems to know what's going on. I certainly don't. Every time he speaks to me, I haven't a clue. Shopping Trolley though. No, I don't think he has Ideas. I've not seen him with a drink. If he were going to have one, then you'd reckon he'd crack open a can when he was watching the telly, but seemingly not.

A while back there was someone begging by Eroski, someone who had moved in on Doggo's manor. I only saw him once. Maybe there's some honour in this alternative world. Shopping Trolley once took a seat by the sports shop, the one with the Mallorca triathlon beach towel, but that's kind of on the periphery of Doggo's patch. He would have to wait for an invitation to come into Doggo's territory probably, and if he got one it might be by mobile phone. Or maybe Doggo just talks into a phone with no credit. That would seem about right. Not that I wish to do him down. It could be that the phone works, but speaking to an empty mobile with no-one on the other end would be the epitome of Man of Idea-dom. Perhaps Shopping Trolley hasn't got a mobile; put it this way I've not seen him with one. There again, I've not actually seen the TV; I was told about that.

Eroski seems to have got a manager. Well, there's a bloke working there where there used to not be one. A few years back, there used to be another bloke who was obviously in charge, or maybe thought he was. He used to shout after tourist kids who were running in the aisles, and he'd follow men of bellydom to make sure they didn't nick anything. Then he disappeared. No more Mr. Manager; that was in the days when it was still Syp. And for all this time, it has been almost completely female-run. No-one seemingly in charge, a sort of co-operative non-hierarchy that somehow worked; well, usually. But now there's this chap. You might think he would get tough, but appears not to. Doggo was there next to me in the queue yesterday morning, rambling on about something to me, or was it to the checkout girl, or maybe it was to the ceiling. Doggo's dog was sniffing around the checkouts and the café as well. I thought this manager chap would be bound to kick him out; the dog anyway. Said nothing. At least the girls at the checkout don't pick the dog up and give him a cuddle now though.

Maybe I have this all wrong. A few minutes later, Doggo was talking to a chap making a delivery. Maybe he's the manager. No, can't be. And as I drove away, there was Shopping Trolley, sitting. Sitting like he sits all the time, except when he's pushing the trolley. And when he sits, he just stares. Every day, just sitting, the bags of different colours and different sizes mounted on his trolley, tied to each other and to the trolley sides. Just sitting and pushing.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Arcade Fire, "In The Backseat" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpikhegY-Vs). Today's title - one of the great Motown songs, not that the group responsible were that keen on it.

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I've Been Learning To Drive

I should of course have mentioned, as a follow-up to 10 February, Mirror Man, that Sara passed her driving theory test. This is not bad going as you have to stump up for two tests as standard, on the basis that they expect you to fail first time what is considered to be the most difficult theory tests in Europe. Which does all rather make you wonder what happens between the theory and being let loose on the road. It does rather depend as to what theory; it could, after all, be theory as to how to be a complete and utter tosser when it comes to actually taking a vehicle on the road. If that is the case, then there are many who have indeed been able to translate theory into practice.

Anyway, now that she no longer needs the books, I have taken temporary possession in order to delve into the strange world of Spanish driving. The "learning to drive" book (and there is indeed an English version) suggests, with its front cover, a liberating experience of youth and activity. Five early-twenty-somethings in front of what may be a Golf, are all smiling, having been able to fathom out the contents of what is, in truth, a book of almost total incomprehensibility, and have taken to the road in order to drive to wherever it is one has to drive in order to play football and go skateboarding. And the reason I say that is that, of the five, one has a football and one has a skateboard, and so one has to draw the conclusion that driving is a means to an end, the end being football or skateboarding (and not of course going clubbing, getting rat arsed, off your face and crashing into high-kerbed islands in the centre of the main road that runs alongside the beach in Puerto Alcúdia).

It would be impossible to do full justice to the 200-odd pages of "learning to drive, playing football and going skateboarding", so let me choose but one example of the mysteries of Spanish driving for the time being. Now, you must realise that the book uses the verb "accord" liberally and not wholly accurately and therefore descends into tortuous prose as in - "drivers should drive with extreme caution when approaching the vicinity of crossings, always being prepared to stop to accord precedents to pedestrians". Yep, of course.

It goes on: "Motorists should not gesture to pedestrians to cross the road and should only use recognised signs to convey to pedestrians that they are according them right of way, such as brake lights to indicate the fact that they are slowing down and stopping". So, what this means is that you shouldn't, under any circumstance, it would seem, wave your hand, for example, in a manner that indicates that the pedestrian might cross the road. And the reason why not is that the pedestrian must walk to the back of your car to see if your brake lights are on, and then, and only then, will the pedestrian realise that he or she has been accorded precedent to cross the road. Or something like that. And it just goes to show how important it is that your brake lights are functioning properly, because if no drivers' lights were working properly, no pedestrians would ever cross roads. So keep those brake lights working!


The Inca plan
In the scheme of tourism things in the northern reaches of Mallorca, you would have to say that Inca fails to register other than as a place you pass en route to Alcúdia or Pollensa or as the town with that big market and those leather shops you get hauled off to on a Thursday. Well, the town hall wants to change all that, having put together a "strategic plan" for tourism development of a commercial and gastronomic nature. Oh dear. The words strategic and plan together bring me out in a cold sweat, induced by management bollocks-speak. And I can speak about management bollocks-speak with great authority, trust me on this. I have been working, for a while, on my own theory of what provisionally I call "the theory of the edifice of complete and utter shit", of which management speak is one major constituent. The past year of economic destruction has tended to help me in constructing this theory. Keep watching.

Anyway, I don't wish to debunk Inca's brave attempt at becoming a tourist destination. I'm sure that there are many cultural routes - which is one of their things - as well as fine cooking and shopping that will have tourists flocking to the town. Actually, I'm not sure about that, but good luck to them anyway and to the idea of a museum of hunting. Astonishingly, the town hall is saying that it wishes to open a tourist office: astonishing that there isn't one already, especially given those tourists who are dragged around the town on a Thursday as part of Inca excursionism. And can I just ask? I have seen this word - excursionism - used on more than one occasion recently. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist. Can someone please confirm or deny this as I am unable to sleep.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - D-D-D-David Bowie, and from some US TV thing - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chUolMjZyHc. Today's title - how could I have overlooked "quizzing" this lot for so long? Canadians: think amusements and heat.

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Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Every winter brings changes. What was previously that is now this or is in the process of becoming this. Some of that which is now this is fairly grand, such as the conversion of the old Alcúdia cinema into what is the Roman-themed Satyricon. There is also some of that which is to be that once again, apparently - the minigolf opposite Bellevue for instance. But nowhere seems to offer greater evidence of the transformation from that to this than Puerto Pollensa. Indeed the square - some know it as market, some as church - is in a state of empire-building. The yellow peril advances ever more in the form of the Dragon Oriente people and then there is of course the Bonyisation of Puerto Pollensa. For some, the devil that has taken the soul of the resort is a two-horned satyr, one being Grupo Boulevard and the Dakotas, the other being José, olé, and Bony. For some; not me.

There is a corner of a foreign market square that will forever be Bony - or "not forever" to use the rather enigmatic slogan that I tried to persuade José not to use. And that corner of a foreign market square is growing from both sides. Abutting what will be the yellow peril in the square will be son of Bony, Bony Mark II or, to give it the actual name, Más Bony y-to, which is a play on the Spanish "más bonito" (meaning prettier) in which the "más" will in fact be represented by a plus sign. "Don't cry." And "don't panic". That seems to be the latest José-ism. Corporal Jones to the rescue, or rather Bony with prices being cut to 2007 levels, more or less, so I understand. Of course, every time I pass Bony I am reminded of myself. It's that poster, the one with trousers rolled up and the clothes-pegs. Who do you have to blame for that? Yep, I'm afraid it was me; not the trousers and the legs, but the photo and what passed for design.

Elsewhere, the change has yet to be effected but seemingly everyone knows about it - it being The Nag's Head. However, I'm not going to go into it - the story - as it hasn't happened. Suffice to say that it was being spoken of in JK's where I had gone for the express purpose of taking the piss out of Kevin for being quoted three times in quick succession in "The Bulletin" apropos different things, including being the inspiration for the Pollensa tourism cash boom that isn't (as referred to on 26 February). Kevin is now a sort-of rent-a-quote for pretty much anything I think. What's your view of quantitative easing? "20%," said Kevin Park, owner of JK's Bar in Puerto Pollensa. Actually, between you and me, it's more than 20%. Because that's what Kevin told me. However, I am not in the rent-a-quote quoting business - yet. Anyway, what do you think about the Costa Brava Pyrenees Tourism Authority using a photo of a beach in Australia to publicise the 100th anniversary of the Spanish coastline? "Twenty per cent," said Mr. Park of Puerto Pollensa's JK's Bar. Yep, I reckon so, too. Odd thing though that the Spanish coastline is only a hundred years old. I would have said it was a bit older. But according to "The Times", that's all it is. Or maybe it's according to that tourism authority. Just so you know what I'm talking about, I quote (from "The Times") - "The photograph of a man and a boy standing on a white beach, staring out into a clear blue sea was used by Costa Brava tourism officials to mark the 100th anniversary of the Spanish coastline at the recent Forum Gastronimic (sic), a food fair in the nearby city of Girona." So you see, it definitely does refer to a hundred years - and that's all - of coastline. More embarrassing though is the fact that the beautiful coastline of the Costa Brava was not the Costa Brava but a beach in Perth, Australia. And to add to the embarrassment, the publicity company responsible (or should that be irresponsible, to use an old Peter Cook gag?) was the same publicity company that secured a photo of a beach in the Bahamas for another Costa Brava ad. Oops.

Kevin was first contacted by "The Bulletin" about the couple who got stuck in their boat in the Atlantic and who are now on dry land. Stuart, who is known to Kevin, was interviewed on Five Live's "Drive" programme yesterday. Though this whole thing has been blown up into a major story by, among others, "The Bulletin", he is - and I quote again - "amazed at how much hype" there has been, while he reckons it was "a storm in a teacup" and that he and his partner Andrea had "a lot of laughs" for the 40 days that they were floating around. If you missed the connection, Stuart and Andrea used to work at The Nag's Head, and that is why it became a story here and why Kevin found fame. I didn't catch all the interview, but I don't think Puerto Pollensa featured exactly; it will - and does - elsewhere.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Len Barry (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An1-ntyBcz8). Today's title - no clues given or needed.

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1-2-3

The Mallorca triathlon. And no, don't get excited, I'm not telling you about an actual Mallorca triathlon. One, two, three. There are triathlons, iron man's (or men I guess) and other acts of insanity. Not so long ago I got an enquiry from someone who organises the Scottish junior triathlon team. They were going to be staying in Puerto Pollensa and wanted a swimming-pool. Go to Alcúdia. For God's sake don't try Puerto Pollensa's; they'll probably have drained it by the end of next week.

Anyway, I saw this towel yesterday - Mallorca triathlon it said. This was a towel as in beach towel. You wonder why anyone would think to buy a beach towel with the grey skies and the gathering wind of what is meant to become severe gusts. Maybe some do. The towel itself was a grey and black mix. Hardly the colours of the beach you would have thought. There again, tasteful in its contrast perhaps. Some grey tones; rather sophisticated amidst the garishness of yellows, blues and reds. But not really that tasteful when you studied what was written on it. The towel was the first one on the rack, hanging outside the sports shop by Eroski. That was how I came to notice it. Mallorca triathlon it said. And that is? One, two, three. Drinking, Eating and ... Fucking. Replete with little pictures; well, like cartoons. How are your sensibilities? Mine? I really don't give a damn. You can swear as you want. Be as gross as you want. Anything can go, but there is rudeness and then there is funny rudeness, and this towel does not come anywhere near drying off some funny rudeness; it is stupid, blatant and without any semblance of humour. So why does someone bother to produce it? I have no idea.

Much as there may be something of a counter PR effort to suggest that that Virgin hospital programme was anything other than the usual let's see how stupid some people who go to Mallorca are, you cannot escape the fact that many people who go to Mallorca are stupid. Stupid enough to want to buy a stupid beach towel with a stupid thing on it about triathlon and the gerund form of the f-word.


It's a month or so before the annual boat and sepia fairs in Puerto Alcúdia; the dates are in fact 4 and 5 April. Not everyone knows that. Like restaurants that might stand to benefit from being open and participating. I said to one such restaurant owner, who enjoyed a packed terrace on the Sunday of the event last year, that I presumed he was looking forward to benefiting this year. Not as such. Wasn't planning on opening until 6 April. When were the fairs again, he asked. 4th and 5th. I suspect he might rethink.

Last year some 10,000 people came to Alcúdia for these fairs. The boat fair is the only one on the island other than Palma's. It's a month away, and yet who is aware of it? Not every restaurant owner, that's for sure.


Coming back to Muro's mayor and his wish to see the train ending up close to the Muro boundary. One of his reasons - well the reason as far as I can make out - is that having the station by Es Foguero will benefit "murers" (those from Muro). Let's just think about this though. Firstly, people from Muro would actually have to want to use the train in the first place, and people from Muro, like people from the whole of Mallorca, have their lives dominated by cars - several of them in some cases. Secondly, it is not unusual to have to travel to a train station. And the people of Muro would actually have a fairly long journey. Some ten kilometres or so, if they live in the town of Muro, and the majority of residents of Muro do live in the town of Muro. What, for the people of the town, would be closer? A station by Es Foguero or the current end-of-the-line station in Sa Pobla? I think you may find that it is in fact Sa Pobla. Which would leave those who live in Playa de Muro, the majority of whom, whether it was sited by Es Foguero or by, for example, the Horse Roundabout in Puerto Alcúdia, would need to make some sort of journey (probably by car) to get to it. Were there a bus that went past Es Foguero, then this might make a difference. But there isn't. The Muro argument is a non-argument. The train will not be stopping at Es Foguero.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - U2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWPosB-nTns). Today's title - sort of white soul from the mid '60s.

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Drowning Man

These are watery times, and so it must be the rain that has broken what seems to have been many weeks of dry weather but was probably nothing of the sort, just perhaps a fortnight at best, or perhaps it's the finally reopened Puerto Pollensa pool and the open doors policy at the weekend which meant you could go for free, but you wondered should it not have been an open waters policy instead or is it the case that their waters had broken or something like that or nothing, or was it all down to FUSOSA and their regular cuts to supply, and do you want to know something, the bloke actually rang back to ask if the supply had been restored, which was good of him, in fact it is unheard of, except you have now heard it, or then could it be the new desalination plant for drinking water that will serve Alcúdia and Pollensa from the coming summer and mean that supplies in certain parts, Cala San Vicente for instance, will have better quality than the cloudy, puffy stuff they've had to contend with till now, and I remember those little fluffy clouds, and also mean fewer nitrates and that "inhabitants wlll be able to drink tap water", in the words of Alcúdia's mayor Miquel Ferrer, albeit that he didn't speak them in English of course, and should also mean that those responsible for getting Alcúdia and Pollensa's water sorted out have a word with the people at the plant in Can Picafort that supplies that town and Playa de Muro where there are too many nitrates, or there again perhaps it's the news that all the marinas on the island are expected to be full to overflowing this summer, if - that is - boats and yachts can ever be said to overflow, which you would rather hope that they wouldn't I guess but would more likely be said to be buoyant in the water and in their number and in therefore the market for nautical tourism and raise again the question as to whether there should be more moorings and how much they should cost and what the effects might be on the environment, marine in particular, and also on the whole social dynamic of tourism in that an affluent, water-based elite assumes supremacy over the all-inclusive economy-class who might stretch as far as a pedalo but no more, and brings into sharp relief this notion of water-sports centres, the Estaciones Náuticas, that will be Alcúdia and could be Pollensa and whether they create second-class zones around, for example, The Mile, while the port and the marina is reserved for what some love to call "quality tourism" and yet is an affront to many, or perhaps it's all just a case of drowning under the weight of too many words in too long a sentence that has all to do with water because these, as I say, are watery times, and so it must be the rain, and those little fluffy clouds, or is it that everything comes in, flows in, lungs imploding, just like one long, unbroken, never-ending sentence, like a drowning man gulping for air, gulping for help in these watery times, which is how it feels, perhaps for you as well, and so it must be the rain that has broken what seems to have been many weeks of dry weather ...


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Duran Duran. From the same album, "Ordinary World" was better, so here it is, in fact it was bloody great (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaTL6VAr2RY). Today's title - it's them yet again, but this comes from a long time ago when it was decreed that all Irish bands had to feature a violin.


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Too Much Information

It's an old saw of course, but you should never believe what you read in newspapers. As a maxim, it's rubbish, but you do wonder sometimes. There are a couple of stories doing the rounds at present, both with differing information. Take the Puerto Pollensa swimming-pool. One source has the cost at 600,000 euros, another says 1.4 million. Then there is the story about Muro's mayor and the train. From one paper we learnt, as I said yesterday, that most of the rest of the council did not support his wish to terminate the train by Es Foguero, and then another says that the "government team" (most of the council therefore) is against the decision to not consider this as a location, thus contradicting the story from yesterday.

We live, I'm afraid, in misinformational times, and I'm not sure if I have not misinformed you by using "misinformational" as I'm not sure if this really is a word or has been conjured up by one of the prime sources of misinformation - the internet - as an adjectival development from the established noun of misinformation. But the word, the adjective, makes perfect sense and seems to be perfectly used, at least I think so. The irony of the information age and the ease of information is that there is an awful lot of it that is complete and utter garbage. The additional irony is that with the increase in the availability of informational sources we still end up with misinformation, as we always did. At least in the old days there were really only the newspapers you couldn't trust; now you can't trust any media. Do you trust what I write? Well of course you should, but it's not beyond possibility that what I write is actually total bollocks. And then, like with newspapers and other sources, I will get quoted somewhere and so the whole thing goes on, for ever, ad infinitum; an endless chain of pass-the-informational/misinformational parcel in the cyberspace party where the music never stops. Where will this entry end up, do you wonder? Years from now. Somewhere in whatever post-internet misinformational society we live in.

Actually, I do try to get or at least hope that I get things right. If I were paid for this, I would do thorough research, like a journalist is meant to. But I'm not paid, and so I do only so much research, if any. Even if I were paid and were I to attempt to be assiduous with my research, where would I go to find my information? Often it would be the internet, the never-ending chain or indeed roundabout of information and misinformation.

Anyway, this is by way of introduction to a conversation I had with Ben and Sara yesterday afternoon. We got to talking about history; history of Alcúdia. There were a whole bunch of old photos to look at, and the discussion led to the idea of doing, writing a history, not perhaps a whole history but a history of tourism - in Alcúdia. And as we spoke, the different strands cropped up. What was all this about the Swedes and the Belgians being the first to colonise Alcúdia? Which were the first hotels? When did it really all start? When ... when ... what ... what ... . If places can be said to have amounts of history, then Puerto Pollensa may have more than Puerto Alcúdia, though even then one asks how accurate it is, or if it's this damn misinformation. The internet says the Miramar hotel dates to 1912. Maybe it does; or maybe it doesn't. What's the oldest hotel in Puerto Alcúdia? How many would say a building that is no longer a hotel but in fact private apartments? Yep, the Primavera Garden. Or perhaps it's not yep.

The problem is that there are many anecdotes and half or partially remembered facts, but information, accurate information relies on accurate sources. The memory plays tricks. Ask someone about his or her experiences some twenty, thirty years ago, and how sure can you be that they are accurate? It's hard, but in fact it is not always misinformation. Anecdote is an accepted part of historical or indeed journalistic research, but there is still a need for verification. Primary sources. Do you know what those are? Often they are very, very dull, written in strange tongues and found lurking between thick, dusty covers. It's a long process to check them. Trust me. I've done it. Or they can also of course be newspapers - one with 600,000, the other with 1.4 million. The easy thing is to take the anecdote and leave it at that. But that's when you can just end up with misinformation, or is it? For now though the anecdote, the story will have to do, and it will do. The history starts here ... . Anyone want to join in?


Another FUSOSA moment. If you don't know, FUSOSA is the water company that supplies (sic) Playa de Muro and part of Puerto Alcúdia. Unreliable might be its promotional message. "We won't get you washed." Like this morning. A dry shower. A phone call. Something's broken. Yea, reckon we knew that. It'll be back on quickly. Maybe it will.

There is a problem with the supply probably once a month. Do you know by the way how much it costs to get connected? 630 euros. 630 in order that you can't get a shower in the morning. Please don't tell me that "this is Spain", as also with the electricity company GESA and its bizarre billing procedures. This is crap, and I'm sick of it.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Paul McCartney (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVK_mJrLbmY). Today's title - one of their less well-known; from the same album came something "ordinary".

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Pipes Of Peace

As tweeted on Twitter, and I'm coming to realise that if it serves any purpose then the Twitter thing is as a breaking-news or advance-notice facility, Muro's mayor is still blowing a whistle in favour of the Sa Pobla train extension; he being all aboard for a trip to end at the Es Foguero ruin. There is only one reason why: it would almost be in Muro, and he wouldn't have to drive as far to catch the 9.30 to Palma. Despite admitting that it doesn't really have a lot directly to do with him (actually, it doesn't have anything to do with him), he has raised a motion for the train to run by the side of Albufera and finish up by the ruin and therefore close to the Muro hospital; so says "The Bulletin". Not even Alcúdia's mayor supports this idea any longer. At one point he was in favour, but the governmental technical bods have closed the line on this one. This route was one considered under the so-called southern option. No-one now, apart from the mayor of Muro, is even talking about this. So the question has to be: why has he brought it up? The train extension would not pass through Muro, which means it really is not a matter on which Muro's opinion counts; all the environmentalists are against this option and pretty much all the rest of Muro council is in fact against it, so why go on about it? As is pointed out, this same mayor is the one who is in favour of the golf course on the Son Bosc finca. Maybe he just likes to antagonise the enviro lobby. Nothing wrong with that, but he's wrong on both counts, and not for environmental reasons. There is no need for the golf course, and the northern route for the train alongside the main road from Sa Pobla has been staring everyone in the face as the obvious choice ever since President Antich announced his age of the train. No, I really don't understand what the mayor is hoping to achieve, other than to perhaps make people realise that he's still there.


How To Ruin An Otherwise Perfectly Pleasant Sunday Afternoon
March entering as a lamb, how agreeable to take to the terrace and to the late-winter sun, the Sunday papers to hand. Only for it all to be shattered. What is that frightful noise? Oh no, don't let it be. Anything but that. I'm afraid it was though. Two down, the neighbours two down. They'd bought a CD. Giving it a bit of an airing. Outside. Quite loud. You could, unfortunately, imagine yourself at one of the local markets. It was a CD of the Ecuadorean, some say Peruvian, pipe players. Crimes against musicality. That's not what the CD is called; they are the offences, m'lud. Sting's "Fields of Barley", U2's "With Or Without You", Buggles, "Video Killed The Radio Star". How deeply, deeply unpleasant, especially bloody Buggles in a South-American Indian stylie. I really should have done what I said I was going to do with that pipe to that pipe-player at Puerto Pollensa market those years ago. Now, I might have to do it to my neighbour.


Maybe there is a way of getting hold of all the CDs and letting a JCB loose on them. That's what they do with pirated CDs and DVDs and the like. Well, that's what the photo in "The Diario" suggests happens. But what of the chaps that sell them? The street vendors, the looky-looky aka lucky-lucky men. I can tell you. They get let off. The paper reports the case of a gentleman of "sub-Saharan origin", in other words a luckster, who was nabbed in Arenal with 100 CDs and some DVDs and video games. The prosecution had wanted him to be banged up for a year and to be fined. The magistrate disagreed. It was a civil matter and not a criminal one, she said, and the scale - i.e. the number of discs etc involved - did not merit the sanction being called for in respect of the violation of copyright. The magistrate accepted that rights had to be protected, but the real villains were those who produced the pirated stuff on a grand scale. In this, she is absolutely right. Annoying though the lucksters can be (and not everyone finds them so), they are at the bottom of the pirating food chain and just trying to earn a centimo or two. You may recall that there is now a by-law in Alcúdia which makes it an offence to buy from illegal street sellers. So now the possibility would exist to fine a purchaser and not the seller. Meantime, can someone fine the people who make these bloody pipe-player CDs?


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Village People (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS9OO0S5w2k). Hard hat was one of the group (the construction worker), and I suppose Red Indians and indeed cowboys were hunters. Today's title - no, not really.

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It's Fun To Stay At

Put your hard hats on, chaps. And not just those of you who will be working on building sites into June and throughout October. Oh no, protect yourselves from the falling masonry of indignation in Puerto Pollensa; from the bricks and mortar of outrage; from the scaffolding of it's not what it used to be. Ah, the sweet sound of a Kango drill drifting across the prom-prom-prom-tiddley-om-pom-pom; the hammering of summer lawns; the summer breeze of brick dust and cement. Well, there you go, and just think yourself lucky that building work will stop in the middle of June and not resume until the first of October.

These are exciting times if you happen to be in Puerto Pollensa. Celebration of abnormal seasonal construction coincides with the re-opening of the great construction success that is/was the public swimming-pool. There was duly a "fiesta" to mark the occasion yesterday and which continues today. I wonder if there will be another one when it gets closed down - again. Rather curiously, given that we are at the start of March, there has been a poster doing the rounds which shows children happily engaged in water activities in what, unless I am very much mistaken, appears to be summertime - and in the open. Maybe they've decided to do away with the roof altogether.

And next weekend there will be something else to celebrate, though this will involve going to the old town. The hunters' fair descends on Pollensa for its ninth annual occurrence. Huntin', shootin' and fishin'. I can well imagine that there are, among the ranks of the Pollensa be-expated, those with an inclination to donning Barbours and flat caps, to looking like Prince Edward and to blowing small animals to smithereens. One trusts that they might not do so on the streets of Pollensa; indeed one might hope that they would give the whole gig a wide berth as the hunting class of Mallorca is not a class thing - it is very much more egalitarian.

The hunters' fair takes place in different towns each year. Last year's event was in Campos and it was in Alcúdia in, I think, 2005. According to reports, some 60,000 people turned up in Campos last year, so it is a little odd that they are forecasting only a third of that number to put in an appearance in Pollensa. Still, 20,000 is a fair number, and there will be restaurants offering hunting-based cuisine in the feeding of the 20,000 which will presumably do very well thank you. Not sure what this hunting-based food is as pretty much anything involving dead animals could, I suppose, be described as having been hunted. Perhaps you get to pick the shot out or something, so that you know it has been authentically blasted. Restaurants and other businesses that might gain from the weekend's festivities can thank the Council of Mallorca. A hundred and twenty grand is what it pays for this shindig.


Following on from the news that tourism in January was up by nearly 6% comes the perhaps even more surprising revelation that tourism spend for that month was up by almost 25 per cent. Unclear though it is as to how these figures are derived, a leap of this magnitude goes against all other current economic indicators. Polish and Hungarian pensioners can't be responsible, one would have to assume. It is largely all down to German tourists, despite Germany having to contend with similar economic woes to everyone else. Maybe there is something in that cash boom after all, even if it is island-wide as opposed to just Pollensa. Or maybe it is just one of those rather inexplicable blips. But if it were to be a blip that were to continue, I don't know that there would be many complaining. That said, this February, according to one restaurant owner in Puerto Alcúdia, was the worst he had known. However, one owner does not represent a whole resort.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Musical Youth (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFtLONl4cNc). Today's title - well various I imagine if there is still building work going on, and what other relevance does this have today (in the first line for example)?

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It Was The Month Of June

Pollensa town hall is consulting over the possibility of allowing building work to take place in tourist areas up to the middle of June and during October. Normally, work would be suspended at the end of April and then restarted in November. The reason for doing so is obvious: tourists don't want to listen to the sound of builders shouting "oi, luv, phwor" (or the local equivalent thereof) or to have to put up with the sight of builder's arse. Well, tourists may have to lump it for some of the season in Puerto Pollensa. Much as it is unwanted by tourists, there is sense in allowing some extension of building work. The six-month hiatus that exists at present not only delays projects, it is also a nonsense in terms of the credit that is issued for most building work to occur. There would still be a break of three and a half months under what would be a temporary measure owing to the current economic circumstances, but it would certainly be of help to the construction companies and it would also help to alleviate unemployment. The question would be which works would be allowed to continue. If this measure is agreed to, however, it is going to cause an almighty great rumpus where less-than-happy tourists are concerned. But it all comes back to how one reconciles tourism and everyday life of towns such as Pollensa. With difficulty is the answer.

I would like to know, though, why was at least one apartment block in the centre of Puerto Pollensa being worked on in August last year? I mentioned it at the time, and I'm still none the wiser. Oh, and words in the previous paragraph - "Pollensa town hall", "consulting". These have not always occurred in the same sentence, but now they do.

The typical six-month season looks as though it is losing one of those six months - in Can Picafort at any rate. I happened to be there yesterday, and in the warm sun and under cloudless skies, one could feel that not only was spring here but everything was rosy: Germans a-plenty, it seemed to me, taking the airs, annexing Son Bauló and marching on Café Paris. Well, not so rosy of course, and I was told that there is talk of hotels only opening for five months. As always one needs to be careful. These stories get bandied about and take on a life of their own. Does "hotels" actually mean one hotel, or indeed any?


Coming back to that junket whereby all those mayors, government representatives and various hangers-on pitched up in Brussels to plead for some more dosh and for a reconsideration of the directive on fireworks, how much do you reckon it all cost? Well, now we know.

"The Diario" gives the figure as 184,543 euros, made up of airline charter and other journeys, accommodation, an exhibition and a display of fire-running. A government official reckons that given the various meetings it was cost-effective There were some 17 meetings in all. What about I don't know. But the question remains - why did all these people have to go to Brussels? You do not need 40 mayors, for example. You don't really need 40 mayors in Mallorca, let alone 40 of the buggers swanning around the Belgian capital. I find it hard to believe that it was cost-effective. And I still find it hard to understand why this trip has not attracted widespread criticism - especially in these currently cash-strapped times.


One of those occasional personal moments, though not completely as there will be those of you who also know Juan from Restaurant Boy in Playa de Muro and Coloma. Well there is a new addition to the Boy world - a boy. Juan's father is called Juan, and Juan's son is ... what do you think? Congratulations to all the Juans.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Sweet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3XGjnQgsJA). Today's title - a line from something about being passed from the left-hand side: who?

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Index for February 2009
Alcúdia hotels - 1 February 2009
Bars - 2 February 2009, 26 February 2009
Beaches - 4 February 2009
Building work - 28 February 2009
Butane gas - 17 February 2009
Cave of Sant Marti - 27 February 2009
Cultural tourism - 22 February 2009
Cycling - 8 February 2009, 10 February 2009
Driving - 12 February 2009
Dunes - 27 February 2009
Ensaimada - 16 February 2009
Estaciones Náuticas - 14 February 2009, 19 February 2009
Expatriates - 16 February 2009
Export - 11 February 2009
Fire runs - 7 February 2009, 9 February 2009, 20 February 2009, 21 February 2009
Funding for the Balearics - 20 February 2009, 21 February 2009
Golf - 3 February 2009
Holiday lets - 3 February 2009
Hospitals - 5 February 2009
JK's Bar - 26 February 2009
Jolly Roger - 16 February 2009
Justice minister - 24 February 2009
Language - 2 February 2009
Market surveys - 22 February 2009
Mayors - 20 February 2009
Military bases - 25 February 2009
Moorings, Playa de Muro - 23 February 2009
Names - 2 February 2009, 6 February 2009
Nordic walking - 15 February 2009, 17 February 2009
Puerto Pollensa building work - 28 February 2009
Puerto Pollensa popularity - 18 February 2009
Puerto Pollensa's boat workshops - 20 February 2009
Puerto Pollensa's swimming pool - 9 February 2009
Real Mallorca - 27 February 2009
Restaurants - 5 February 2009
Roundabouts - 4 February 2009, 10 February 2009, 12 February 2009, 23 February 2009
Sa Pobla-to-Alcúdia railway - 13 February 2009, 14 February 2009
Thomson - 18 February 2009
Top Gear - 5 February 2009, 7 February 2009, 12 February 2009, 21 February 2009
Tour of Mallorca - 8 February 2009
Tour operators - 18 February 2009
Vandalism - 27 February 2009
Water sports centre, Alcúdia as a - 14 February 2009, 19 February 2009
Websites - 22 February 2009
Wing mirrors - 10 February 2009
Winter tourism - 1 February 2009, 25 February 2009, 26 February 2009

You Can't Push Willy Around

Vandalism directed at bars in Magaluf - mainly British-owned bars at that - comes at the same time as acts of vandalism committed against one of Alcúdia's most historic sites - the cave of Sant Marti; specifically, against the altars in the cave. If you don't know, the altars date back to the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, and the cave plays a key part in the triennial Sant Crist ceremony (the one to do with famines and blood coming from images and that sort of caper). The cave is at the foot of the Sant Marti mountain (or hill, if you prefer) that dominates the landscape at the back of Bellevue. One has to thank "The Diario" for its lack of censoriousness in showing a photo of how the vandalism has been applied. It is in the form of a horse having been gifted an erect penis. My guess is that you wouldn't get such a photo in a British newspaper. And it says something about British and Spanish cultures that the latter would and the former wouldn't show such a thing. I'm not sure what it says, other than attitudes to stiffies, but there's probably a doctoral thesis on cultures lurking in all this.

As the paper points out, the cave is one of the sites in Alcúdia of which much is made when it comes to cultural visits to the town. Yet, in addition to the newly added visual element, there is also rubbish at the grotto which has an air of being neglected. It is, I guess, a place that is out of sight and out of mind. Were it in the middle of the town, rather than down a track off the bypass that goes behind Bellevue, then it would probably be looked after rather better. One thing one can assume, though, is that when they next do the Sant Crist gig (in 2010), they'll have got round to scrubbing the willy off.


Accidental or perhaps incidental vandalism is that caused to the local dunes. Overt vandalism, in the form of getting rid of the dunes completely, has of course occurred, and no more so than in Can Picafort, but they are trying to make up for it with the wooden walkways that have been installed for a year or so now (and in parts of Playa de Muro, too). The hope is that if people use the walkways rather than trample all over the dunes then there will be less erosion and greater preservation of the flora. Yet, a few weeks ago, there were these whacking great sacks on Playa de Muro beach that were full of ... flora, especially that rubbery crawling type thing that you get. (Sorry, I'm not very good when it comes to botany; I need Klaus and his daily photo blog to help out.) Anyway, I grabbed a bit of it and put it in a plant pot to see if it would grow. It has been singularly unsuccessful, and I suspect it is an ex-piece of dunes flora by now. But if the preservation is so important, what were they doing getting rid of whole plantations of it?


I forgot yesterday to follow up the tweeting thing about football debt. I'm sure you were disappointed, so apologies. All the clubs in La Liga seem to be in debt to some extent, Valencia being the most indebted at some 550 million euros; a mere bagatelle. There is, of course, debt and debt. If it's serviceable, it isn't necessarily an evil. Real Mallorca, for all the club's problems, only ranks at number nine, though it, with its debt, was described as being "unviable" by Freddy Shepherd. Since then, the former chairman, Mateu Alemany, has returned like a knight in shining armour to rescue the poor damsel that it is Real Mallorca weeping from the top of the wicked king's tower and letting her hair down for him to clamber aboard, sorry up. He says the club is no longer for sale. Probably as well. Would anyone really want to buy it, though two recent victories could yet help the team stay in La Liga and would make it more attractive were there indeed to be a potential purchaser.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - John Lee Hooker (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOyj4ciJk34). Today's title - well obviously you can in that you can draw one: not you personally, but you in general. Beg your pardon, it's a bit juvenile I know. Who was this though?

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Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

As noted on the twitter thing, Steve reckoned that the 6% increase in January tourism was down to an aunt and uncle having come for a weekend. It wouldn't take a lot to register an increase, I guess is the conclusion one can draw. Actually, it was a bit more than a couple of relatives, around 8,500 more I'm hazarding. But as also "tweeted" yesterday (see I've got all this lingo sorted, you know), whatever happened to this social tourism that was going to boost the island's winter tourism industry? Or is this increase solely down to impoverished oldsters from Prague and Warsaw being dragged over to Mallorca to escape minus twenty degrees of a mid-European winter? Some 48,000 were expected to come (4 December: Rescue Me) to the Balearics. When you start to play with the figures, assume that this social tourism would be for the months of January, February and March, factor in that some would go to the other islands, and there, bingo, you have your answer. It's not just Steve's aunt and uncle, but a bunch of Hungarian pensioners who are making the Balearics the shining beacon of Spanish winter tourism; those Hungarian pensioners of which there have been vast numbers knocking around Alcúdia and Pollensa; have there not? But then we are also told that these January visitors were from a German market that is bucking the recessionary trend and is sending us many a Nordic pole-wielding Waltraud and Hellmut. Uh, huh. In that case, if there has indeed been this social tourism influx, are we to assume that had there not been, then the January figure would have been down on last year? I think we would have to, would we not? You see, there is always another story, always another way of looking at things, though, of course, maybe there isn't as perhaps those social tourists haven't turned up. In which case everything is indeed hunky-dory. Maybe.

Try also this, though, when it comes to looking at things in another way. "The Bulletin" ran with a headline yesterday which read that Pollensa was celebrating "a surprise winter tour cash boom". Just take that headline and the pretext for it, and you would think that Pollensa was awash with tourist money and indeed tourists. But this might not be the case. This headline reflects what has been said by one bar owner. Now, I could have mentioned this myself on the blog. In fact I sort of have alluded to it, but only alluded. What the paper reports is what was told to me, some while ago, by Kevin at JK's. I would not have dreamt of being explicit in stating that it was this bar which was telling me that business was up 20%. I get told all sorts of things - good and bad - as to how businesses are doing; sometimes by the owners themselves, sometimes by others, some of whom may have the best wishes of that business in mind but very often don't. But I only refer to such information obliquely, except today, in the case of JK's, because the paper has reported it. It is also, in this case, believable, which is not always the case when bars tell you how well they are doing. It is believable because this happens to be a very good bar. The crucial point, where the headline was concerned however, was that it was the experience of just one bar. Cash boom? Well, it may only be one hotel but I can tell you, though I wouldn't dream of being explicit in stating which hotel, that a particular hotel in Puerto Pollensa has so far failed to break double figures for when it opens next month.

There is, however, an aspect of this Pollensa so-called cash boom which does deserve attention and that is, as is pointed out, that people have been staying in private accommodation rather than hotels. Unless I'm mistaken, I don't think there is any major hotel open in the resort through the whole of winter, while private accommodation is an important aspect of Puerto Pollensa's tourism business all year. This may just prove the folly of the government's attack on private lettings, and nowhere demonstrates this more clearly than Puerto Pollensa where, were there to be a reliance on hotels, the tourism trade would slump dramatically. As the tour operators have all but given up with winter package deals, the do-it-yourself fly-and-rent arrangement becomes not just important but essential.


The One Euro Sale
And talking of Steve, Little Britain has a sale this coming weekend of various items at one euro and, perhaps more importantly, you will able to buy "The Bulletin" there from this weekend as well. How about that? Easter is approaching and there is a deal for early birds buying eggs. More on WHAT'S ON BLOG - http://www.wotzupnorth.blogspot.com.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Dixie Chicks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBgmbXBOb8). Introducing this song at a British concert was when Natalie Maines made the "ashamed of Bush" remark. Today's title - one of the great blues men who had late-career success with this. And don't say Basil Brush, Mr. Derek.

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Travellin' Soldier

Well, well, well, what do you know? Misery and gloom on the tourism front and then this ... the worst January for tourism to Spain in 15 years and yet the Balearics managed to register an increase in visitors of close on 6%. Let's not get carried away, but any positive sign is worth noting. We do, though, have to place this in context, and that context is as follows: in January, 153,000 tourists came to the Balearics, while the Canaries boasted 782,000. The latter may have seen a decline last month, but the difference in the totals tells us an awful lot. Do visitors in January go to the Canaries for the culture and the gastronomy? I don't think so. Much as there is all this desire to see alternatives to the sun and beach holiday, one only has to consider the respective January figures for the Balearics and the Canaries to see where the priorities lie.


You may be aware that there are no-go areas in Alcúdia and Pollensa. These aren't the local housing projects or sink estates; they are the military zones. That of Puerto Pollensa is pretty obvious. Just past the Playa Mar hotel there is the sign. You can't go in there unless you're from a NATO ally; then you can and have yourself a nice holiday. I forget the numbers now. 40,000 a year. Can that be right? Sounds like a lot. You wonder just what sort of military base is a holiday home for that sort of number. The base is also home to something non-military, the Canadair fire-fighting planes.

Rather less obvious is the military area in Alcúdia, which is at Cap des Pinar, which is the bit at the tip past La Victoria before you turn and start to head down towards Coll Baix and Alcanada. There are a couple of small, secluded beaches around there. Might be very nice, except if you get within 200 metres of the shore you might find yourself being target practice. Perhaps NATO troops and their families based in Puerto Pollensa go on excursions to them.

Back in 2007, it would seem, it was agreed that Spanish military bases would be open to civilian use. The Balearic Government seems not to have noticed. Apparently its parliament is the only one not to have adopted this. So, opposition groups in the parliament have asked that maybe it should be and that possibilities as to civilian use are looked into.

But would you really want them for civilian purposes? Indeed, what would these purposes be? Another tex-mex restaurant almost certainly. And I have a question. If all this NATO personnel really is turning up for hols in Puerto Pollensa, where do they go? Are these travelling soldiers all in the local bars? Or. Or, is it that they don't need to go out. Could it be that they have an all-inclusive deal?


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Pigmeat Markham from Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. Today's title - how long have I waited for an excuse for this (as in the most popular version of the song)? Brilliant, beautiful, sad ... an all-time great song, and one associated with what politically-related controversy?

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Here Come The Judge

So, the Spanish justice minister has resigned. The reason? He went on a hunting trip with a prominent judge or, more accurately, he was on the same trip; there is a difference. Sr. Bermejo, the minister, says that it was all a coincidence and that he "barely even greeted the judge", reports the BBC website of the trip. Justice minister, leading judge - would hardly know each other after all. Still, there is no reason to assume that they are best of mates, so could well have just been on nodding terms during this trip.

There is rather more background to this, of course. Judge Garzón, himself taken into hospital last week following an anxiety attack, is one of the country's top investigative judges; he it was who had ordered the exhuming of graves as part of a case to charge Franco and cronies with war crimes. That order was overturned, but he keeps coming into the public eye, as he did when he recently ordered the arrest of members of the opposition Partido Popular - the day before the hunting trip in fact. And it's this that has really stirred the pot. The PP leader Mariano Rajoy reckons that there's something a bit fishy about the whole thing. What is fishy is the fact that many of the current scandals nationally and in Mallorca stem from previous PP administrations. Sr. Rajoy has sought to draw a connection between the hunting trip and the investigation, which he says is for political reasons ahead of forthcoming regional elections. It may be unfortunate that they were both on the same trip, but I daresay that there are other occasions, other than those of formal governmental duty, when their paths might cross and would go unremarked on. Perhaps more important was the fact that the minister didn't have a licence to hunt. That he has chosen to resign might suggest that there is some honour among Spanish politicians, which is more than might be said for British ones, those close to the justice ministry, for example. She may be the minister for the other half of the old combined Home Office, but how Jacqui Smith cannot resign is beyond me. Anyway, that's another matter.

Still on matters political though, my thanks to Anne Marie for finding that the mayors' big away day to Brussels was hilarious and for asking whether there has not been a protest over the fact that so many mayors and other officials can all troop off to Belgium for something that should be the responsibility and duty of just one or two representatives. And the strange thing is that there hasn't been. Barely a murmur in fact. One wonders why the people of Mallorca and the Balearics are, as Anne Marie suggests, so "passive and disinterested".


Right, let me remind you that there is now this twitter malarkey on the blog. I am pretty sceptical about it I must say. I introduced it only because I was hearing that it was a sort of must-do thing. I really shouldn't succumb to this sort of pressure. Whether it serves any purpose where this blog is concerned I'm not really sure; whether it serves any purpose anywhere I'm not really sure. It seems like another way of passing on largely inconsequential bits of nothingness, such as one hears all the time when people are making calls on their mobiles. "I'm just gonna 'ave a dump now, babe, awright." "Yea, me too, babe." "Love yer, babe." That type of thing.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - here's a good version rather than the expressly religious ones: from his "Mack The Knife" phase, Bobby Darin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M58eoKaI2g0). Today's title - who was this and on which TV show did he appear?

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Row The Boat Ashore

Down Playa de Muro way, they're building roundabouts. Have I mentioned this before? Perhaps I have. There is one approaching completion in front of the Parc Natural five-star hotel. A lump of concrete with some bits sticking out of it is emerging as its central focal artistic point. We wait as we would await the latest exhibition of Damien Hirst to see this newest example of roundabout furniture; with huge anticipation. If it - the sculpture - is less than five star, then the accidents that await us on the roundabout will be. There is something I can't put my finger on, but something about the design - as one joins the roundabout from the side road - makes you not want to stop. And I'm not trying to be flippant here. There genuinely is some mysterious impulse at work that seems to make you unaware of slowing and looking to your left. You have all been warned. Then there is exiting the roundabout and turning right in the direction of the other five-star - the Palace de Muro. Something needs to be done about the line of hire cars that are parked on the yellow line because they, too, are going to be a cause of accidents. They were problematic before, but with vehicles coming off the roundabout potentially more swiftly than they used to cross the main road, there is even more scope for a fine old smash.

But I had not intended talking about this. What I had intended was that close to the roundabout is the canal from Albufera; this is known as s'Oberta. (I'm assuming that there are other "s'Oberta's", as I take it to mean "opening".) Whatever. On one side of the canal are moorings for boats. These are all small fishing boats; this is not a grand marina or anything remotely of the sort. The boat owners pay an average of only 400 euros a year, but they are complaining about the state of the place and the lack of security. Apparently there are regular thefts from the boats.

The 400 euros go to the government and the administration of the moorings falls under the environment ministry, albeit, according to "The Diario", this is being transferred to the ports authority. Whoever is responsible, the owners are far from happy, and so they are planning on installing a barrier in order to try and stop the robberies. To be honest, 400 euros does not sound a lot. This is not the marina in Puerto Alcúdia where you can be paying out 300 grand to obtain a mooring, and so would expect a pretty decent level of security; for 400 euros I'm not sure you really can expect a great deal.

Meantime, as part of the road works accompanying the building of the roundabout, the wall to one side of the road bridge over the canal has been demolished. Fortunately, there are some temporary blocks up to stop you driving into the water. With the pathway on the opposite side being upgraded, one can but hope that a result of these road works will be that stupid tourists are somehow prevented from walking on the side of the bridge without a pavement. It probably won't be the result, but should be. The road here is not really wide enough for two lanes and tourists walking two abreast - as is often the case. And this on a bit of road that does not have lighting.


I'm pleased to say that there is a major development to the blog. There is now a "twitter" element, whatever that is. Some of you may have read that this is one of those periodic hugely important things on the internet and with technology that can alter your life - supposedly. Can't say I've noticed. Anyway, if I do actually figure out what the point of it is or what possible benefit there is then I shall probably do something with it. Meantime, if anyone is already twittering or whatever one does, then do contact me and tell me if indeed there is any point to all of it. And there's another thing. In "The Sunday Times" Brian Appleyard has, over the past two weeks, listed the 100 top blogs. I fear that there has been an oversight on this list, and I shall be writing to Mr. Appleyard to point out his omission.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Jimi Hendrix (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4yZXb4aD2Q). Today's title - take your pick.

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Are You Experienced?

Another day, another tourist website. I suppose I shouldn't complain given that I have vague connections with such a thing myself, but does one reach a point at which destinations get websited out? The latest is yet another from the Balearic Government - all to do with culture, hence its name http://www.balearsculturaltour.es - and designed to make all-year-round tourists come to the islands. If only. To be fair, it is quite a decent site, quite informative, but it makes the mistake - again - of missing the Mallorcan (or Menorcan or Ibizan) target. People do not go to the Balearics, they go to Mallorca, or to Menorca or to Ibiza or even Formentera. Yet, here once more we have something in the name of the Balearics, and something that has cost close to 100,000 euros. Apparently, "a good part" of the moolah has been spent on getting the site into its different languages. Sounds like a fair amount to me for a site that hops around the islands giving some cultural recommendations. The trouble is that no-one would actually do a tour of that sort; it's one island or not at all.

Nevertheless, culture, if we are to believe another survey, ranks number three on the list of things of importance to the Brit holidaymaker. This is a survey by ABTA and was reported on in "The Bulletin" a couple of days ago. Culture appears to be defined here as local food and customs: it seems you can include pretty much anything under the culture banner these days, including local sausage. Whatever. Culture, however one wishes to categorise it, ranks higher - at 18% - than either sunshine in the form of sunbathing or having sex (with one's partner). Did it occur to ask if having sex with someone other than one's partner might have ranked higher? Chances are it might have done, and one should not forget that sex tourism in Mallorca is worth a significant amount of money - apparently. But be that as it may. The trouble, as always with surveys, is what the question is and who is asked. There is also the fact that people lie. Were one to try and draw a conclusion from this survey and to link it to this new "cultural tour" website and suggest that the survey proves the value of the site, I'm afraid one would be taking the wrong tour.

I was curious enough to find out some more about this survey. So I went to ABTA's website. The results, as presented in The Bulletin, were as they were stated in the press release on the site, but if you go to the actual survey - which you can - you will find that this "culture" aspect is made up of different components. In answer to the question "what do you value most about going on holiday", five per cent said "the culture", so it is not 18% after all, although it is 18% when one adds on "gaining life experience", "new people" and "the food". Food, though, was rated by only 1.63%. What "gaining life experience" is I'm not sure, but it has been assumed - by ABTA - to mean culture. I don't know that this follows; indeed I'm sure it doesn't follow. ABTA have made much of "culture-vulture Brits ... ditching their 'sex on the beach' image", but I stress - only 5% actually responded to the specific culture prompt. The survey, as such, doesn't say anything about a sex on beach image, only through this totally tenuous connection with rating sex with a partner lower than traipsing round a museum.

You do, I'm afraid, have to be very, very careful when it comes to surveys and especially when it comes to press releases offering a biased interpretation, because bias is exactly what there is. Oh, and you do also have to be careful when it comes to surveys which are reported on in the press that were actually published over a month before - http://www.abta.com/resources/news/view/85.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - A-Ha (http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x24eif_aha-the-sun-always-shines-on-tv_music). Today's title - who did this? Pretty damn easy I'd reckon.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Always Shines On TV

The more I think about it, the more I think I might, were I in a position to worry about such things, be worried that this Top Gear Classic Car Rally thing might not be the wonderful advert for Mallorca some seem to believe that it will be. Put it this way - why are they coming to Mallorca, for this particular rally? Clarkson and the boys don't do veiled PR exercises for tourist authorities; they do taking the piss. And that, the more I think about it, is what might, perhaps should, worry some.

Oh that these were still the glory days of motoring - a sedate drive in the countryside, yer best girl by yer side, yer dashing moustache and yer Brylcreemed hair set in concrete against the open-topped breeze; the mountains in the background as yer pull up by a marina for a G and T stiffener with David Niven. Unfortunately, things aren't like that anymore. There is also the not inconsiderable factor of Clarkson's total absence of political correctness. This, as anyone who reads him will be aware, manifests itself in a variety of ways, such as the fact that he would be the last person who might be described as an environmentalism fellow traveller. Then there is the matter of killing wildlife.

I fear there may be this rather misguided impression that this is all going to be an advert for Mallorcan landscape and its wonderful environment. There may well indeed be landscape, but there will also be some serious pollution occurring. Those classic cars do about a kilometre to the gallon. Haring around the roads going into the Tramuntana could be bad news for local hares as well. Or indeed any other poor animal that happens to get in the way. A classic car rally is just about the single most environmentally damaging event that one could possibly dream up, which is probably part of the reason that they're taking part. Then there is the potential for, well, just taking the Michael, and there is no shortage of potential in this respect.

The Top Gear programme comes at a time when apparently there is to be some reality thing showing how expats here are coping, or not, with the credit crunch. Doubtless there will be some poor saps who put their hands up to take part and are made to look total idiots - for that is the way it is with TV. Take also this "Sun, Sea and A&E" reality docu (5 February: Murder On The Dancefloor). There have been three articles about this programme in "The Bulletin" over the past week. Why, do you suppose? Because it's news? I doubt it. Seems more like PR for the show, and moreover, if it has not received criticism for being patronising, then it should have; patronising because the message that has come out of the programme is that Mallorca has good health facilities - as if this should come as a big surprise. This is Mallorca, not some basket case bit of African jungle.

All these shows may, in some respects, be beneficial for Mallorca, but please don't let's be naïve in thinking that they exist just as a way of promoting the island.


Following on from yesterday's item about Brussels and Balearic money and fire runs and so on, a local councillor from Palma has apparently been impressing upon European commissioners that were it to be the case that fire runs were outlawed then legal action would probably be taken to reverse this. As I said before, how to win friends and influence bureaucracts. Here we have a councillor making a sort of threat while at the same time many - some other 149 or so - compatriots are attempting to extract money from the same political entity. Here's a scenario, a dilemma and a question for you to consider: You are a Mallorcan politician, you go to Brussels as part of a delegation to try and obtain a whole bunch more funding from the European piggy-bank. The Euro-meisters say, "ok, we'll give you the money, so long as you agree to stop setting fire to your streets and to conducting fire runs, and to following - to the letter - the European directive on pyrotechnics". Do you, as a Mallorcan politician, accept this as a reasonable compromise, dismiss it as a form of bribery or demand the money and the continuation of the tradition?

It's most unlikely that this scenario would occur, but there does come a point where you can't have your cake and set fire to it, too, which is what the 150 who have marched on Brussels would presumably want.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Deep Purple (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WX_4FNoto4). Today's title - for years I thought the lyric meant that the sun shone onto the television set.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

Smoke On The Water, Fire In The Sky

The mayors' big away day. Look, I know it isn't that far - to Brussels, that is, when compared with, say, Australia - but who actually has coughed up for 40 mayors to turn up in the Belgian capital in order to harangue the European authorities into divvying up more dosh for the Balearics and into not stopping fire runs as part of a directive against pyrotechnics? If they have all paid out of their own pockets, then my apologies for the following, but I somewhat doubt it. How many mayors are needed to change a light bulb, or in this instance to change the level of funding? And to the mayors you can add various other politicians, businesspeople, artists, union representatives - 150 in all. One hundred and fifty! What on earth for? If you are going to argue a case for more funding, you should be a bit careful someone doesn't turn round and ask if some of the current funding is finding its way to pay for 150 people to come to Brussels for a couple of nights in a decent hotel plus flights and some nosebag. Furthermore, if a sizeable chunk of the Mallorcan and Balearic political population can piss off to Belgium on a midweek jolly, does this perhaps suggest that they don't really have enough to occupy them when back on the islands? I say to Brussels - keep your money and tell the mayors to get back and do a decent day's work.

Now, I don't know if one of the 40 was Pollensa's normally under-fire mayor, but had Joan Cerdà gone off for a day or two's respite from the normal attacks he is subjected to, one could have understood it. There is more trouble brewing, one suspects, in Puerto Pollensa. This time, it's the relocation of boat maintenance workshops, by which are meant - I think - the likes of Astilleros Cabanellas (there is in the report a reference also to Boquer, which seems a bit odd, given where it is, but there you go). There are, according to "The Bulletin", two options for siting the workshops, and I'm afraid I don't understand either of them; well, I don't understand the descriptions. One, it says, is a plot of land "on the left of the road running down to the wharf ... on the Gotmar country estate". The other is to the right of the new ring road, apparently. Anyone help here, because I've no idea. I know that not all work needs to be carried out in water, but I can't figure out whether these options are by the water or indeed where they are. But of course, the very mention of Gotmar will probably have the radicals of that part of Puerto Pollensa back on the trail of his mayorship. Things have gone rather quiet on that front. Too quiet, I'd say, if I were the mayor. Watch out! If he happens to be out of the country, it could be the moment for a coup d'état!


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Pet Shop Boys, "West End Girls" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAHfoIfo_7A). Today's title - how can you not know this?

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

To The Finland Station

The great and the good, the businesspeople of Alcúdia, the likes of Piero Rossi, Toni from No Frills, oh and me. There was a fair old gathering in the old "sala" of Alcúdia town hall on Tuesday evening. One could admire the considerable height of the room and the sense of nobility both of this altitude of local democracy and of the chairs that would normally be for the even greater and better, i.e. the local councillors, who dispense such democracy. Looking rather out of place in this room of some antiquity was a screen and the beam of PowerPoint. I think the chap probably needs to pay a bit of attention to his presentation technique. Shouldn't really have something up on screen for the audience to read whilst doing your spiel; distracts them, you see. Anyway, the chap was there to sell the Estaciones Náuticas idea - or water-sports centres if you prefer. To remind you - Alcúdia is to become the first such centre in Mallorca; they exist everywhere else in Spain but, for some reason, they seemed to have overlooked Mallorca until now, which might actually have been a question for the chap, but too late now.

The point is, of course, what is the point of it all, and what does it all mean? And one felt that, even after the presentation, there were some who didn't quite get the whole point - PowerPoint or no PowerPoint. It's not altogether surprising. One of the rare occasions during the presentation when I nodded with something approximating comprehension was when he drew a comparison with a ski resort. I'm not entirely sure why I did this nodding, but it seemed to make sense at the time, but on reflection I'm not sure that it does. But I suppose if one thinks of a ski resort as some sort of integrated tourist destination which generally has a reputation for quality, then I guess that this was what he was getting at and what I was agreeing with.

What would it mean in practice, though? There would not be anything new in a physical sense, except perhaps for an information and bookings centre and some transport between different things. Essentially, all it would be would be a coming together of existing facilities, and not just those on water, but also accommodation and restaurants etc.; all under this umbrella concept. Basically, it would be a branding exercise with a website. Alcúdia would become known as a water-sports centre and would use the Estaciones Náuticas logo as a mark of quality, and businesses associated with it could also display the logo. Or something like that.

If this brings about greater co-operation between businesses for the betterment of Alcúdia, then well and good, though one might ask why such co-operation has not existed in the past. There are meant, also, to be additional benefits both in terms of new products, whatever these might be, and a lessening of seasonality, though quite how this would occur I am not entirely sure, except that, through some co-operation, packages of holiday offer could be made, perhaps of the sort I have mentioned here before.

Alcúdia would be the first of these centres in Mallorca. Pollensa, I understand, is likely to follow. If it were to, would there then not be a danger that whatever sense of differentiation that Alcúdia might benefit from in being a water-sports centre would be diminished? If you have two such centres next to each other, does the message (whatever this might be) for both resorts not get rather lost? And what about other places, most obviously Can Picafort? It has as much claim to be a water-sports centre as Alcúdia and Pollensa, more so in one sense than Pollensa and that's because of the second marina at Son Serra. If its two richer neighbours, which already enjoy a reputation for rather superior quality, were to be branded with this mark of implied further quality, would it not suffer by comparison? Or would the intention be for it to also become part of the Estaciones Náuticas network? And then what would the point be, if everywhere could make the same claim?

If you are still a bit mystified about the whole thing, and I wouldn't really blame you if you were, you might want to take a look at the Estaciones Náuticas website for Menorca (http://www.enmenorca.org/); there are three resorts on that island that have this title. What you will find is that there are various sports and activities as well as accommodation and bars and restaurants. In other words, it's what was already there. And if there is meant to really be an advantage in reducing seasonality, I'm afraid Menorca is a poor advert as they don't even bother flying planes there in the off-season.

Much as I may appear to be cynical on this blog, I am not when it comes to new ideas. I was quite expecting to be saying that this is a great idea, but I'm afraid I can't get that enthusiastic about it. Beyond a bit of branding, it strikes me as something and nothing, albeit that there are also grants available from Turespaña, the national tourism organisation to which the Estaciones Náuticas network is attached. Will it bring more tourists to Alcúdia? Will they spend more money? Will the season stretch for longer? These are the questions businesses want positive answers to. I don't know that the Estaciones Náuticas concept can offer such answers. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not convinced.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - UB40 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCGcljqOSW0). Today's title - it's all about water, you see, as well as "stations". There is much water in Finland, and the thing is that I had intended this as the title the other day but Valentine's (and Kylie and Jason) intruded. Where's it from? One of the greatest of all singles.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)

One In Ten

A headline which reads "Popular Pollensa" is likely to attract you to the story. And in "The Bulletin" yesterday the front page had just such a headline - in large type, 96 point maybe greater. This was a story about a "survey" which lists the top-ten most popular destinations in Europe, as chosen by Thomson clients, of which Benidorm is at number one and Puerto Pollensa, the only Mallorcan resort among the ten, is at number nine. The article pointed out that "long-term favourites" such as Alcúdia are not in the top ten and that the absence of other Mallorca resorts would come as "a blow to Majorca tourism bosses".

Well, if we're talking long-term favourites, then Puerto Pollensa is one such, but more importantly is what - on closer examination - this was all about. This listing, this top ten was based on reviews by clients on the Thomson website. How representative was all of this? Let me tell you how representative - not at all. You can find out yourself: you don't need my word for it. Front-page headlines, want to know the source? Go and have a look - the Thomson site. Seventeen reviews for Puerto Pollensa over three years, 23 for Alcúdia; I didn't bother looking at other resorts. The reviews for Puerto Pollensa were good, only one was really negative. As for the reviews for Alcúdia, they were also good; not as good as for Puerto Pollensa but that was because Thomson came in for a slagging-off. Also, some of the Puerto Pollensa reviews were for villas, which was not the case with Alcúdia. You are, therefore, not comparing like with like.

What on earth is this all supposed to prove? What it represents is that 40 customers over a period of three years or so have been bothered to post some opinions on a website. It does not constitute a survey. A very, very small sample of Thomson clients (how many have there been to Puerto Pollensa and Alcúdia over the past 36 months?) has felt inclined to write something. They have not been asked; therefore, they have not been surveyed. They are self-selecting; they have not been chosen through the application of some research methodology. They and their opinions are not scientific; they constitute a collection of opinions, and a tiny collection at that. And on this basis, someone calls this a survey. No, it is not. If you took this to the likes of the Market Research Society, they'd show you the door and blacklist you from future membership.

It is easy to do this sort of alleged survey. I have done so myself. Three years ago, I trawled through various review sites and came up with what could be described as the best bars and restaurants in Alcúdia. I had intended this for publication, but didn't in the end. Had I done so, however, I would have made it quite clear that it was not scientific, that it was based on selective opinions and that it was really only a starting-point for discussion. As it turned out, or would have done had I published, the "best" restaurant and bar, as in those that received the most positive reviews, were Luna Grill and Cheers/Peach Pit. But then when you think about it, these results would not be surprising. Most tourists stay in the Bellevue area, so they would be likely to opt for establishments in that area. The results, such as they were, proved nothing. And the same can be said for this Thomson thing.

I am unclear as to the motive behind this. It would seem that Thomson have put out the results, as a "spokesman" is quoted, and the main purpose appears to be to promote the review facility from its website on the basis that, as the spokesman and indeed the Thomson website, says: "you've read the brochure, seen the photos and it looks great. But what's it really like?" This is an odd thing, though; it's an admission that the brochure doesn't give you what you want. And some of you may remember that we have been here before with Thomson and its brochure. Remember this: "then walk your dinner off with an evening stroll along the sands or head for one of Alcúdia's bustling bars"? (21 June: John Kettley Is A Weatherman). It was from the Thomson website; it was for the Rio Mar hotel. Where is the Rio Mar? Well, it isn't in Alcúdia, along with the other hotels referred to on the site that are in fact in Playa de Muro.

So, let's just get this straight. Here we have a tour operator extolling the virtue of what its spokesman calls "honest" holiday reports, which does rather beg a question, though I'll leave it to you to work out the question I have in mind. To be fair, we also have a tour operator who is prepared to allow critical comment, as is the case with a review of the Delfin Verde hotel, but do they not want people going there? Far worse, though, is the judgmental nature of the so-called survey - that Mallorca can apparently only have one resort in the top ten and that resorts on the island (Alcúdia, Can Picafort, Cala Bona, Sa Coma, Magaluf, Palmanova, Cala Millor, Santa Ponsa, Calas de Mallorca) are in some way inferior; only one in ten, in other words. Very, very strange.


QUIZ
Yesterday's title - Elvis Costello And The Attractions (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpprOGsLWUo). Today's title - some of Birmingham's finest.

(PLEASE REPLY TO andrew@thealcudiaguide.com AND NOT VIA THE COMMENTS THINGY HERE.)